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Newest Member: debsous (61846)

User Topic: My First Post in R
♀ 31558
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm here because of the wonderful thread about wanting a love letter from WH. I was going to talk about it in MC today but I chickened out. We talked about WH not having been ready to do anything to help me heal before but now that he's been sober a year he says he's ready to go back and look at the books I tried to get him to read two years ago. So, maybe asking for a love letter is a little premature but this feels like progress. I may have to accept the fact that WH will never tell the truth about the past but he will also have to accept that I will always know he didn't tell the truth. We talked about that MC today as well. Meanwhile, maybe if he does "everything right" in the here and now, including dealing with the PTSD he has caused, maybe eventually it will lead to R. Which books should he look at first?

[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 12:24 AM, May 31st (Friday)]

Me: BW a youthful 51
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 58
Married 21 years
Two sons, 18 & 19 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1585 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 5:12 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would think the first book should be "How to help your spouse heal from your affair.". I scanned through it and my fWS read it early on. I think it was helpful.

We are currently reading "After the Affair" together. It has been hard for her to read.

BS 42
fWS 38 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2859 | Registered: Aug 2012
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:20 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No advice..WH wouldn't read any books. I just wanted to give you a hug...I know this is a huge step for you.


FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 15220 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ 36654
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read "Not just friends" after Dday#2. It really gave me more of a perspective on what I was looking at. WH#2 read about 50 pages then stopped and hasn't picked it up since then. It gets in the way of his rug sweeping broom.

I am so glad that your husband is starting to make some effort to heal the marriage and I wish you both lots of luck on your road to R. (((HUGS)))

BS-55 XWH#2-No longer my monkey
M-11yrs LTA-5yrs Divorced 8/15
"A person is either an asset or a lesson"
"Changing who you are with does not change who you are"

Posts: 9219 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
♀ 36456
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He read "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" first. It's a very fast read. We were still separated but dating at that time. His comment "I'm already doing most of this" and he really was.

He started reading "Not Just Friends" after DDay 2. I forced the issue. I told him his boundaries were shit and threw it at him with the comment "You need to read this book cover to cover 10 times!"

I read both books after we started dating again so I was ahead of him!

Honestly though, the best thing that worked for my husband was hearing his own words. The day after DDay 2, we sat on the edge of the bed together as I read to him some of the things he had posted on Facebook and Twitter. Comments he had written to porn chicks, real life chicks, random chicks - basically acting like a single guy for years on the internet.

He didn't know I had them with me, so when I started reading them, it caught him off guard. He listened for a few minutes before the tears started. Then he tried to take the papers away and told me to stop. He didn't want to hear "that filth" coming from my mouth anymore. NOW he's very cautious about how he talks to other women.

Good luck with your R!!

Me (46) WH (42),2 boys 15 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 792 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
Topic Posts: 5

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