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ShockedAndHurt posted 5/31/2013 02:57 AM

I know I am probably crazy, I know I should probably be focusing on me etc., but I am already dating. I only separated from xWH in March. I guess part of it is trying to fill the void left by XWH, part is to reassure myself that there are other, better people out there who I could be with if I wanted.

I guess I just want some reassurance from you lovely folks that this is normal.

SBB posted 5/31/2013 03:44 AM

Broken attracts broken - its not fair to the other party to start a relationship until you've had time to heal.

I've had quite a few suitors and quite frankly I've judged them for wanting a relationship with me when I waa months out of an M. Even now IMO I'm not even a year out and not D yet. Not ready.

Now I know I'm in the minority but IMO if by dating you mean casual FWB stuff then I'm all for it. I still waited 7m before sleeping with anyone because I wasn't even ready for casual before then.

Turns out 'casual' in your late 30s is quite different to in your 20s - not so casual and I've found myself unintentionally hurting some good guys. Right now I've taken a step back from it all because there have been complications with their feelings rather than my own - I didn't expect that and am just not ready for it.

If you are making a love connection I can't warn you enough about it. Filling an emptiness with someone else's heart will always end in tears IMO and you could end up doing yourself more damage and delay your healing.

The goal here is to heal - not to end up with Wayward # 2 or a Wayward yourself.

suckstobeme posted 5/31/2013 05:07 AM

It's very normal to want to fill that void and to assure ourselves that we are still worthy. That part is normal.

Unfortunately, serious problems can occur if you act on it at your stage of the game. You are vulnerable and so badly want to feel loved. That's a great recipe for disaster in the dating world. You will miss lots of red flags and gloss over issues with whomever to make sure that void remains full.

And what about another rejection? Are you strong enough to endure that?

On the flip side, you may find that you are not ready for a relationship after another person has become emotionally invested. That means you could hurt some unsuspecting man as he discovers he was being used for the wrong reasons.

Based on your tag line, it looks as though your entire adult life has involved your WH. You've never had the chance to get to know yourself as an adult independent woman. That's the person you need to build a relationship with now.

Everyone here understands what you're going through so no judgements. But, lots of SI members have made these same mistakes and we see the posts in the aftermath which are filled with more pain. Don't walk that same path until you are healed and truly ready for the right reasons.

Amazonia posted 5/31/2013 05:25 AM

Normal yes, healthy no.

I guess part of it is trying to fill the void left by XWH, part is to reassure myself that there are other, better people out there who I could be with if I wanted.

For the record, this^ is you using other people without regard for their feelings, because you are selling yourself as available when you aren't actually emotionally available or ready to connect with someone new in a genuine way. Is that really who you want to be?

phmh posted 5/31/2013 06:50 AM

It's normal, as others have said, but I'm another one who would caution you against it.

A good guy, one you'd want to be with, wouldn't touch your mess right now. The only guys who would are messed up themselves and/or looking to exploit someone. (The old adage "broken attracts broken.") And if you get mixed up with someone like that, then you're not working on yourself and healing, and you'll never attract a good guy.

We see it so often here, it's almost cliche (part of the BS handbook, maybe?)

Find ways to feel good about yourself without male attention. Go out with girlfriends, learn to do things by yourself, pick up new hobbies or restart old ones. Do some super fun things with your kids. You won't regret taking some time to yourself. It's a wonderful opportunity for personal growth.

SeanFLA posted 5/31/2013 07:33 AM

Two comments on this because I was guilty of it too. But unfortunately you may have to walk in those shoes to and live it to get it. First, you want to be with someone else to fill the void of course, but at the same time want to rebuild your self-esteem. To feel attractive and wanted again. I think we all get that.

But I also feel that if the dating is casual and you KEEP it as casual then I don't see a lot of harm. You just need to set that agenda. Let them know you aren't divorced yet. You are testing the waters and not looking for anything serious. My feeling is we are all adults. If they fall THAT quickly for you knowing what your life is like now then 50% of it is their fault too. For a year I went out with my guy friends, played tons of hockey and tried to do everything in between to try to keep busy. Guess what? still sucked. It was still lonely. But I never did anything before my divorce papers were signed. The one thing I always wanted to be able to say is that I never cheated on her during our marriage. I wouldn't even so much as step into a strip club or anything like that like a lot of lonely guys might do. Keep the course and get your business done. When your D is finalized you're going to go through a different set of grief you will need to deal with. Some people move through it quickly and feel relief, others not so quickly.

damncutekitty posted 5/31/2013 08:25 AM

It's normal to want to date right away. But it's not a really good idea.

Pass posted 5/31/2013 08:28 AM

I also just left my wife in March. I've been on a few dates. It was nice to know that I could attract women enough to want to date me, because my confidence was down a deep hole.

However, after each date, I felt even worse about my failed marriage. Came home and had a little (or not so little!) cry each time.

I've called it quits for a bit, but am still looking forward to eventually meeting someone who will give me the love I deserve.

lostmommy posted 5/31/2013 10:18 AM

I decided I was ready to start dating a few months after XWH left. Our marriage was over, even if not officially, and it was time to move on. Big mistake. Because I was still broken, I attracted Mr. Clingy/Verbal Abuser. I spent 6 months in a relationship that my friends warned me was toxic, but I didn't want to see it for myself. Looking back, maybe I needed that relationship in some warped way. But...broken attracts broken. The kicker? He actually broke up with me because I was too broken while in the relationship to actually see the forest through the trees. And still to this day texts me every so often with "no one loves like you did". Sorry buddy, you shit and pissed all over that relationship, but hindsight is 20/20 and I wouldn't take you back if you crawled over broken glass.

Do yourself a favor. Take time to heal. You owe it to yourself as well as any potential dating prospects.

katiesmom posted 5/31/2013 11:48 AM

I made the mistake of trying to make myself feel better by dating about a month after my divorce was final. I was way too vulnerable to begin dating, but I tried it anyway. Looking back, I wish I didn't!

Sure, it was great to feel wanted again, but the two guys I dated so soon after my divorce were not good for me at all.

I started falling for one of them pretty hard. We went out for about a month, then he completely cut off contact with me. After standing me up for a date, he just disappeared. No calls, texts....nothing. I tried calling him a couple of times, then left it at that. I was devastated, but I got over it.

I realized I was only trying to make myself feel wanted again because of the incredible blow to my self-esteem after my ex left me for OW. I needed time to heal and to be alone for a while.

The funny thing is that after a year...A YEAR...of not hearing from him, he sends me a facebook message out of the blue and says he didn't know what he was thinking...that I was really what he was looking for and that he was really messed up. He asked me for a second chance, texted me constantly and said that all he wanted was me. What the hell? It totally creeped me out. And you know what my answer was to him...nothing! He got no response from me at all. What a loser!

And it is true...broken attracts broken. That soon after a separation or divorce is when you are at your most vulnerable.

ShockedAndHurt posted 5/31/2013 12:51 PM

Thanks for the replies, I know you're all right. I got together with XWH when I was 17, so yes, he has been with me my entire adult life, we grew together through our twenties and I have no idea what I am like without him. Losing him is like losing a limb, seriously. I do not want to be alone, it petrifies me.

The dating I'm doing now is casual, I know I'm not looking for love and have been honest about that. I haven't gone into any details at all about my ex or how long we've been separated, so I know no one is preying on me knowing my weakened state. I'm not interested in casual sex though, I just want to meet a few new people, have a few drinks, flirt a bit, feel some butterflies and call it a night. I might make a few new friends out of it, which would be no bad thing.

I think this is just something I need to do and I'll probably stop in a couple of weeks, it feels like a phase. Part of what I need to do to heal.

Amazonia posted 5/31/2013 14:04 PM

I just want to meet a few new people, have a few drinks, flirt a bit, feel some butterflies and call it a night.

Minus the dopamine butterflies, if this is genuinely all you're looking for, try - you might actually find some lasting friendships, since most people there are also looking for friends, rather than on a dating site where the majority of people are either looking for a relationship or sex.

gma56 posted 5/31/2013 14:11 PM

I did similar years ago after my first divorce and all I did was hurt a couple really good men because I wasn't ready. Careful, you are treading on other's lives and emotions.

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