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Talk me down....

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MUFan posted 5/31/2013 10:10 AM

I have a sudden urge to contact the OW. I know no good can come of it but I want to verify what fWH told me. I don't even expect her to fully tell me the truth. I don't know why this has come over me now....
I don't even know what I want to ask her. Just want to get her side of things???

itainteasy posted 5/31/2013 10:18 AM

It's not a great idea.

Is it that you want her side of things or you want to remind her that YOU are a REAL person who she willingly helped to hurt?

I wouldn't call/email/text her.

How are things going with your fWH? Is there another way you can verify what he's told you?


TrustGone posted 5/31/2013 10:24 AM

Don't do it!!! No good will come of it. You are saying fWH (f). How far along are you in your R? If it has been a while since his A and he is a FWH then why open that can of worms back up? NC should be not only for the WS, but also the BS. She is not worth your mind space now or in the future. I know how tempting it is and I had to make myself not contact OW when she broke NC last month, but I told myself the only way to make her go away is to ignore her and make her go away. Any contact whether good or bad lets the AP right back into your marriage. Hopefully WH#2 also knows that now, we shall see. He can act a little stupid when he wants to.

MUFan posted 5/31/2013 10:25 AM

Things with fWH are great- never defensive, completely transparent...but I have no way to verify what he's told me. He deleted all of their texts/FB messages/etc. before confessing since he had planned to hide it.
I want to know why him really. What did she pick up on that made her target him? Or was he the only one that showed willingness? She knew we were married and I was pregnant. Hell, she was planning to throw me a baby shower. She had sent a card to my ODD for her birthday and visited my mom in the hospital.

HeartInADustpan posted 5/31/2013 10:30 AM

Just no. For your own sanity, no.

I've said it before, I did with my WH LTA and all she did was directly forward my email to my WH with a bunch of "I told you so" and "You need to leave" crap.

**Edit** And she didn't even have then nerve to reply to me. Not a word.

Good luck.

[This message edited by HeartInADustpan at 12:30 PM, May 31st (Friday)]

TrustGone posted 5/31/2013 10:40 AM

Yes. The not knowing can be crazy making at times, but so can the knowing. Since OW contacted me on DDay#1 and DDay#2 I got to hear her side, so I guess I shouldn't give advice on not contacting her. I do know a lot more than I would have if it would have been told by him. I still only got a fraction of the whole 3yr LTA saga. Mainly the highlights and the things that would hurt me the most and make me D him so she could have him. It just about worked out that way for her and I may still let her have him when I am done with him, but I know the NC is killing her right now, so that's why I don't contact her. You have to do whatever gives you some piece of mind and it is hard to know what that really is. I am just now taking advice from my fellow SI tribe and wished I would have had them to talk me down too on DDay#1. Some things are just best left in fantasy land where they belong.

sri624 posted 5/31/2013 11:46 AM

it is tempting...and i know you really want to know...but whatever you do...dont do it. for your own sanity. no matter will never, and i mean never get the full truth from her. no matter what she says. first, she might ignore you...and then that will upset"oh my gosh...she didnt even respond!" or, it opens the door for her to contact your husband...and that is just getting things started again...and allowing the drama back in. and then, even if you did talk to her...she would lie....all cheaters lie. she would spin it her way...or make it look like he really cared about her...and share all the details to make herself feel relevant. all affair partners do that. even if she comes at you full of apologies...dont believe it for one minute. she wasnt sorry when she was repeated cheating with yoru husband. she does not have your best interest in any way. and she is doing you no "favors" or helping you in any way by "taking your call" or answering your questions.

and you dont want to let her think for one minute that she is taking up time in your head...even though she is. you dont want her to think that she is relevant to you or your husband.

i am telling you this because i did contact the ow...and all of these things happend. and it was the worst. and in the end....i still didnt feel any better.

i hope you are being talked down....

dont do it.

itainteasy posted 5/31/2013 12:11 PM

I'm so sounds like you were doubly betrayed, by someone that you thought was a friend.

Instead of one knife in your heart, you got two.


If you contact her, she may lie to you just to hurt you more. She might tell you the truth--but it's not likely. She will probably want to spout off about how SHE'S the real victim in all of this...not you, not your family, and she might tell you how it's all your own fault, really.

Just don't do it.
Post here instead.

MUFan posted 5/31/2013 12:27 PM

Thanks everyone...fWH and I went to lunch and I feel better.
I talked to her once after DDay and pretty much just told her to never contact us again (she had called fWH and he immediately let me know). We sent the NC letter that night. I guess I just regret not telling her exactly how I felt at that point and asked her questions then.
fWH claims she lied about some details to her BS but I have no way of knowing who was telling the truth.
The more questions fWH answers, I see how bad his fog was and know she used his weakness against him. Just wish he hadn't been so needy/selfish/broken.

so_lost posted 5/31/2013 17:09 PM

When I talked to the OW, she lied to me. When I emailed the OW, she wrote some pretty hurtful things. Talking to the OW is not worth it.

I questioned my FWH to death. I've gotten the full truth from my H.

Teach8 posted 5/31/2013 17:19 PM

I didn't read all the replies to this. I know contacting the ow is usually not a good idea. However...after dday I continued to have nagging gut feelings. I finally just contacted the ow and she told me everything...and I mean everything. It wasn't easy at all. I had to act nicely to someone who made me sick...but if I hadn't done it...I may never have known the truth. I know that my experience isn't usual but I felt I had no choice. I knew I wasn't getting the truth. She did give it to me. Sometimes you have to follow your gut.

dab110 posted 5/31/2013 17:47 PM

I contacted the OW because I needed the verification. The whole process was very traumatic. However, I know that I would have been in D, not trying to R, without speaking to her. I didn't believe anything he said.

I'll give you the really bad stuff first. I told my H that I was going to contact her and that he should tell me anything that I needed to know before I walked into the shitstorm. It was ugly, but he sobbed hysterically as he told me that he had expressed feelings for her, and that she had written him a letter after their "breakup". When I spoke to her, she told me the "girl's" point of view. All of the emotional stuff: what he said, how they loved being together, how he would hug her to keep her warm.... blah, blah, blah. THIS IS THE INFORMATION THAT HAUNTS ME TO THIS DAY! I have nightmares where she is talking about this stuff! And I have never met her!

The good things. I finally got ALL of the truth from my H. And the OW confirmed all of the sexual stuff he told me without any variation.

But my H denies any of the emotional stuff. So now I'm sort of in the same situation. I believe the sexual stories, but now I don't know what to think about the other stuff.

I do know that hearing her confirmation of what my H did tell me made me stay and try to R, but I am REALLY struggling and I am almost three years out from D-day.

Only you can decide what is best for you, but be careful. You can't unscrew the donkey.

sailorgirl posted 6/1/2013 07:53 AM

I go through times when I'm tempted to contact OW. She was a coworker of WH's and had met me and our children. She lives less than a mile from us and I have seen her in the grocery store.

When I feel like confronting her, I think about how that will just validate her feeling of being important in our lives. Better to leave her wondering whether WH and I have forgotten about her because she is so insignificant. Better to show her that she did not damage our marriage and our solidarity. WE are the team--she is an outsider.

Also, I remind myself that NC is NC. If I break it, it gives her an excuse to break it with WH.

As far as why OWs targeted our husbands? I think that emotionally manipulative women have radar for men with bad boundaries. They fish to find out who feels sorry for them. They are messed up, so pity feels like love to them.

Women who are broken in certain ways don't know how to get a man interested other than doing the damsel in distress routine, and making him feel obligated to help. They broadcast "need need need need" and the broken men think they have to respond and placate.

In our case, OW didn't really care about WH. She was just terrified to be alone and desperately trying to fill the holes in her soul.

wanttogoforward posted 6/1/2013 08:02 AM

The fact is if the person you love more than anything else in the world will lie to you so will the OW, who has nothing to be loyal to you for.
OW will lie! They might tell you what you want to hear, they might tell you lies about how much your H loves them... either way NOTHING good will come of it for you.
I got a phone call from her.... and I was cussed at, you name it.... if they were just friends and doing nothing wrong, why would she feel the need to be so angry at me?
Please don't do it.... you will feel more hurt and doubts because of anything she says....

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