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Wanting to wait to meet in person....is that bad?

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She11ybeanz posted 5/31/2013 10:16 AM

Okay...so I've been dabbling in the OLD scene recently...and I've noticed that the guys that have contacted me thus far have been somewhat pushy about wanting to meet like NOW...with very little communication. I do not feel comfortable with that at all and now I'm just downright ignoring one guy because he was getting nosy about "where exactly" I lived in our hometown and is now asking if I go to a certain gym.... cause I said that I would probably be going to the gym over the weekend.... CREEPY stalkerish type stuff IMO...

Am I being over-analyizing? I would like to get to know someone a little more over emails and stuff before I take the time to get a babysitter and meet them in person! Ya know?? Thoughts on this...

damncutekitty posted 5/31/2013 10:21 AM

When I was doing OLD I preferred to meet in person ASAP. I saw no point in spending weeks (or sometimes months) emailing back and forth. I would rather meet the real person than establish a false relationship with their online persona.

h0peless posted 5/31/2013 10:22 AM

I think you should do whatever makes you feel safe and comfortable. If you don't want to meet them in person then don't. Who cares what they think?

lostmommy posted 5/31/2013 10:23 AM

There has to be a happy medium. I spoke to one guy for two months before meeting him (which was not by choice), and I also had plenty of "what are you doing tonight"'s. Red flags go off for me when they want to meet right away. I don't even give my phone number out unless I feel comfortable doing so. It amazes me how many people send out their numbers right away. Ideally, within a week or so of starting to talk is when I'll first meet up with someone, if I'm interested. Obviously the calendar comes into play with that, but I don't like to wait too long and I don't like to meet immediately either.

[This message edited by lostmommy at 10:23 AM, May 31st (Friday)]

She11ybeanz posted 5/31/2013 10:23 AM

Well, I would do that, but I am still trying to decide if I WANT to meet this guy yet. I haven't really talked with him enough yet (just small talk) and plus there is the obstacle of childcare. I am not taking my daughter on a date with me. Its just not going to happen.

And, that's me too...if we had been talking for a week or two and I was really sparking an interest...then I would definitely be open to meeting in person....but he just started talking to me yesterday!

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 10:25 AM, May 31st (Friday)]

osxgirl posted 5/31/2013 11:09 AM

I can tell you that my DH, when we first started communicating, wanted to meet pretty quickly, and I kept putting him off. Fortunately, he was patient.

We talked about it at some point after we were engaged, and he said the reason he was pushing to meet so soon was because of his experiences with OLD. He had gone out with quite a few women with whom there seemed to be a real connection after chatting for a few weeks or even months on-line, only to find out when meeting the first time in person that there was no real attraction on one side or the other (and sometimes both). He just decided he didn't want to waste a lot of time with the initial on-line talk or phone calls only to have things flop in person yet again.

He was patient with me because I explained that I was very cautious after my experiences with my X (who I also met on-line, well before OLD was available).

Bottom line - there are arguments both ways. With a child, you have even more reasons to be cautious. If, when talking to someone through OLD, you can't talk and work out some sort of compromise or at least understanding of each other's viewpoint on this, then that's probably a good sign you're better off passing anyway.

Amazonia posted 5/31/2013 11:09 AM

It does take a little time when you start OLD to figure out what your process looks like. There aren't right or wrong answers here, Shelly. You just have to determine (probably through trial and error) what works for you. When I was OLD, I found that the longer I was there, the faster I would "size up" a guy and want to meet. I, and many others here, have had too many experiences with people on dating sites who are just there for a little ego boost, but never actually want to meet.

I had one guy string me along, planning and canceling dates, for two months! What a colossal waste of my time. He lived about an hour away, so the dates we planned (3 of them) were always planned well in advance, and at the last minute, something always came up that he had to cancel. I let it slide because he was so apologetic and took a lot of initiative to reschedule.

So my MO became that I wouldn't talk to someone for more than a week without a date getting scheduled. And yes, I accepted dates from first messages, if their profile was well fleshed out and their message was intelligent, well thought out, etc.

I don't, however, tell people where I live, where I work, etc. General neighborhood, yes, specifics? No! That would be a bigger red flag to me.

Must Survive posted 5/31/2013 16:41 PM

SB,

Your in a harder situation because of the baby. Your right in not bringing baby into the mix. I went on 1 date and spent 2 hours at a bar talking to the guy. He was great communicating online and via txt. Not so much in person. I decided I was not going to waste that much time, online and in person.

So if after a week or so of talking, txting etc and we don't plan on getting together, I am probably done. I don't need a pen pal and I don't need to just be something to do. I also decided no more sitting at a bar with someone. Not really my lifestyle. Now if someone wants to get together, its for a bike ride, walk on our local trails, kayak etc. I am going to at least get exercise out of it. And I have found that it is much easier just "talking" not like at a bar where it seems no real conversation takes place.

I have a pretty thick skin but it takes nerves of steel. The guys usually say that I look way better than my pics, that usually when they meet up with some girl, her pics are decades old, major weight etc. In my opinion a couple of guys didn't look like their pics either (hair colored, much shorter than advertised). I have had a few poofers too. One after he asked what I thought of him after 1 meetup! Some rush to make plans, then cancel.

After everything you have been through, I say, do it your way! If they can't accept that so early in a possible relationship, NEXT.

Must Survive posted 5/31/2013 16:43 PM

Jees,

Didn't even get to my point. Maybe try to combine 2 things, one that you would do anyway at a neutral spot and a meet/greet with a potential OLD person.

OnceInALifetime posted 5/31/2013 17:01 PM

I gave up on OLD for the time being (been out if the game for about 3 months). I see no point trying to size someone up for more than a few messages because honestly what you get in real life is different than what you get via messages or phone calls. Messaging takes significant time and energy if you're really trying to get a sense of someone's personality. It's much more efficient to just meet in person for a casual first get-together (date is too strong a word for a first meeting).

But I don't carry around a fear that when I meet someone in person that she'll be a crazy stalker out to kidnap my children. If you have such fear, then I suppose you should be very very cautious.

What truly sucks about OLD is the weird fixation on chemistry from the start. It's an awkward dynamic, that way, and people rule each other out more quickly and for more superficial reasons than if they grew to know each other more gradually (and inversely, if there is the almighty chemistry, relationships jump start quickly in OLD, only to fizzle and die once the sexual mystery has been demystified - but this I say from observation of others, not my own experience as chemistry has not come my way easily).

cmego posted 5/31/2013 19:07 PM

In the beginning, I felt like I needed to know them a little before I accepted a date. That was wrong, because I wasn't attracted to them in person. So, I was getting my hopes up, then dashed again when I didn't like them.

Several guys have asked me out in the first message or two. I generally say, "I'm all for meeting quickly, but can we exchange a few emails so I can determine you aren't a serial killer (joking)". That took a little pressure off of me, I got their full name so I could Google them, then I decided pretty quickly and set the date.

It felt weird at first accepting a date from a total stranger, but...I always drove separate, met them in a public place, gave their name/number to my BFF and was cautious.

Oh the Irony posted 5/31/2013 20:38 PM

It really can get strung out--there are many online that don't actually want to meet. That is why the want to meet right away.

I think since you have to hire a sitter it isn't unreasonable to wait a bit. I personally wouldn't go longer that 2 weeks though. You can build this weird intimacy in messages that have nothing to do with reality.

GrievingMommy posted 5/31/2013 21:42 PM

Back in the beginning of my OLD days, I would email/chat for weeks before meeting. I then got tired of spending weeks, only to finally meet and have them drive me nuts, annoying quirks, or a weird vibe, etc shutting down any possibility of progressing with him. So I decided to limit it to two weeks tops before meeting in person.

Go with what you're comfortable with. I'm a single parent as well with and Ex who doesn't see his children so a babysitter is a rare and precious thing!

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