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Help! decode, decipher, talk me through

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caregiver9000 posted 5/31/2013 10:38 AM

Ok. Back story. Remember worst date ever guy? the introvert that I started seeing in early December? Our communication levels are mismatched (I text, he doesn't for days...) He works third shift, 14 hour days, lives alone, dedicated to his parents who are local, never been married.

In person, we are great. Great friends. Loads of fun, easy going comfortable.

The relationship never developed because of his schedule, me multi dating and being in a relationship for a brief period, and his complete lack of attention to moving it forward in any way.

We saw a movie together two nights ago. We ride together but meet up somewhere neutral. He has not been to my house or me to his.

I don't see any red flags (I don't have any reason to believe he is in a relationship or hiding anything.)

So the other night I attempted to talk to him about "us." I joked about calling him my boyfriend and the timetable to holding hands and he panicked. He really did and I took pity and accepted his hug and went home.

I sent this via the dating website we met on. We both maintained our accounts. It was never an issue.


This seemed like too much to text and I don't want to leave things between us "weird" in any way.

I hope my directness last night didn't make you uncomfortable. I have no patience for game playing so I tend to say what I think and ask what I want to know.

I am very interested in finding someone to be in a relationship with BECAUSE I very much want some of the perks that come with a relationship: someone to count on for the typical "couple" type events and a physical relationship. I personally won't engage in a physical relationship until there is a defined relationship, expectations should be clear on both parts, a level of comfort and a conversation about exclusivity, etc. This feels like oversharing at this point, but eh.. it is what it is.

Seeing as we haven't gotten past holding hands... I wanted to clear up if we ever would. No hard feelings that you aren't thinking that way! I will keep on as I have been, with no expectations of you. :) I am not heartbroken or upset or angry or anything. Curiosity satisfied.

Hopefully we can continue to share movie dates and errand days. AND I would like to shoot if that ever can be arranged.

What might lie between us became an issue for me, as the last several guys I have been in conversation with and the few I have met recently were falling short as I compared them to you. (You are a sarcastic, witty, kind, and handsome fellow. None too humble so I hate to tell you all that but truth will out). I enjoy spending time with you and decided that if I were ignoring potential matches because of you, it was worth a discussion. not that it was much of a discussion...

ok, I feel better now.

He responds with (and the first statement is typical of his teasing style. It was not unexpected or hurtful)
His response came in less than 12 hours which is not a speed record for his response, but close.

I think you suck!!

No really.. I do like you.

Not sure if you know it or not, but the little we have now is far superior to the majority of most "relationships." That being said..

I would prefer we hang out occasionally and hold hands and not anything more. And..

When you find yourself a guy that comes close to the great qualities you seem to think I have. I will gladly, but sadly.. wish you well.

Until then.. You are all mine.


And then he closed his dating profile and has no active account. I will have to respond to this in text or call.

WTF?? What does it mean....


damncutekitty posted 5/31/2013 10:40 AM

I think it means all he wants is someone to hang out with occasionally and hold hands.

lostmommy posted 5/31/2013 10:43 AM

Pretty sure that means you're his buddy, who might occasionally hand hold, but that's pretty much it. And he's telling you to keep looking for what you're looking for, and he'll be around until you do.

osxgirl posted 5/31/2013 10:48 AM

FWHB - friends with hand-holding benefits.....

caregiver9000 posted 5/31/2013 10:54 AM

ok, so he's my "buddy."

Damn, I wish he'd kiss me, suck at it, and I could get the wistful feeling I have for him out of my system.

I guess then, nothing has changed, except that we both know what is what.

Him closing his account just means that he has what he wants it just isn't the same thing I want so I get to keep looking???

lostmommy posted 5/31/2013 10:56 AM

It's up to you to decide if you want to continue contact with him. If it was me, I wouldn't, simply because you have an emotional investment already and you've laid it out there for him and he's clearly not on your page. So move on, and keep looking for what you want. You're not going to get it from him.

Amazonia posted 5/31/2013 11:01 AM

FWHB - friends with hand-holding benefits.....

I would personally clarify that you're not "all [his]" as you will be continuing to date, as you want a real relationship, and this guy obviously has some sort of intimacy issues that lead him to not want the same thing.

caregiver9000 posted 5/31/2013 11:17 AM

thanks Ama, your response makes me feel more stable and normal.

You realize I am quite capable of letting my imagination script a perfectly sad and tragic disfigurement or sexual disability for him that gives him pause, one he can't/won't disclose to me. He will grow to love me (who wouldn't?? ) and will struggle with ever telling me or losing me.

See why I come here for the clarification? Y'all can retype what he said so I can hear it without the Hollywood background music and snapshot memories of all that is good between us.


At least I got a message from Isreal today at the same time as this one. Such HOPE for finding that real relationship...

persevere posted 5/31/2013 11:25 AM

Talk about emotionally unavailable....yes, even if he is fun, I think your interest in him means that you need to cut it off at this point.

A few months from now maybe you can be friends, but if you try that now you are likely to be seeking validation that he IS interested, that something has changed, basically high risk for unrealistic expectations, that end up disappointing you.

Oh the Irony posted 5/31/2013 11:42 AM

Oh my goodness.

If you want someone that you can have sex with I suggest moving on now before you get more invested. Perhaps easier to say than do since you like him...but yeah, sex. It's a good thing.

Sad in AZ posted 5/31/2013 13:07 PM

I think you have a Sheldon Cooper. Do you want a Sheldon Cooper?

Look at it this way say you meet someone else with potential. You go on a date or two. Things really could happen with this one. One night you're out holding hands with Sheldon & the new guy sees you. You're cooked.

However, what I see as the worst-case scenario is Sheldon starts to get with the program. Now you are stuck with a 'project'. At this point in life do you really want a project?

caregiver9000 posted 5/31/2013 13:16 PM


Sheldon Cooper...

Ah, poor Amy. I have such sympathy for her now.

damn Sad, you are sharp. And now that it is in context I can wrap my head around it and let it go. maybe.

HopeImOverIt posted 5/31/2013 13:51 PM

Yeah he's a "Sheldon Cooper." And my take on the Sheldon character is that he's a closeted gay. Is this guy?

Otherwise I can't make heads or tails of him. I can understand "friend zoned" but I don't hold hands with my friends.

She11ybeanz posted 5/31/2013 14:04 PM

FWHB - friends with hand-holding benefits.....


If it were me...and my emotions were getting involved...I would end things with him just to salvage my heart from getting broken. You obviously are starting to develop stronger feelings for him and if he is not on the same page.....the only person that will get hurt by it in the end...will be you. I would cut your losses.... remember the good times... and just move forward and look for someone who has some of the same qualities...but also wants all of the fun mushy romantic stuff too!

caregiver9000 posted 5/31/2013 14:07 PM

I don't think he's gay, but no way to know for sure.

I think emotionally unavailable is accurate.

He doesn't seem to "need people" in the way that almost everyone I know needs social interaction. But I don't know many introverts.

Teachers are usually performers to some degree. So my daily contact with adults is with fairly confident, outspoken people.

This "Sheldon" is solitary.

What do I know (unverified but told to me by him) about him and past relationships?

One 7 year relationship with a woman somewhat younger than he was and she left him after doing the girl's night out thing for a good while. He declined to go and wasn't terribly surprised she left. They had been living together.

He has one friend that he speaks of that he spent a lot of time hanging out with, but she got married and moved away within the last year or so.

He has a sister married and thousands of miles away. Mom and Dad are older and have some health issues. He sees them at least weekly and took his mom on a week long beach trip.

He has two dogs and admits he likes dogs better than most people.

His hobbies are solitary. Kayaking, metal detecting, working on his car. He will go at a problem for hours without giving up or getting angry (car issues). Yard work.

He lives where he doesn't have internet or cable. He rents from red box and has a cell phone that he often leaves in the car.

He is pretty confident, not a worrier so I don't think he's hiding his sexuality, but who knows?

As for holding hands, I don't think he enjoys it so much as allows me to do it.

eta: oh, and one guy from work who is married but has a history as a player and is not well thought of by Sheldon, but they do cook outs and a few social things outside of work. I don't think Sheldon likes him too much. Only guy friend I have heard anything about.

[This message edited by caregiver9000 at 2:10 PM, May 31st (Friday)]

Spirit13 posted 5/31/2013 14:50 PM

Maybe he is impotent.

For me it would mean he is not worth the effort.


[This message edited by Spirit13 at 2:50 PM, May 31st (Friday)]

Snapdragon posted 5/31/2013 18:03 PM

I wonder if he is on the autism spectrum.

cmego posted 5/31/2013 19:01 PM

geesh, Care. I guess I would have thought it would have progressed by now.

You don't want to be with someone who really doesn't want the same as you. You can't wish him into someone else.

He sounds like a nice guy, and a nice friend, but nothing more.

Who knows what the issue could be? It is a very confusing message, he only wants to hold hands ( many guys are really happy with holding hands?) He doesn't perceive himself as having good qualities, and he states he will gladly let you go.

You deserve a full relationship, Care. He simply isn't....capable.

My Dad was a total introvert, loaner type. He really just didn't like people very much. But, he was able to be a good dad and be married to my Mom for 30+ years until he passed away. There is a piece of the puzzle missing...

Has he ever asked you to do something? Or do you ask him and he agrees? There might be something said to poofing and focus on your other dates for a bit. Not as a game, but he does have to tow some of the relationship, even a friendship.

caregiver9000 posted 5/31/2013 21:41 PM

The phrase "failure to launch" comes to mind.

I wondered too, if impotent might be the issue.

Interesting question about the autism spectrum. My best friend's son is an Aspie, and I could see that possibility...

As for poofing, I would say I have done that. At first, there was more "normal" spacing between conversations and seeing one another. It seems like it was a mutual scheduling and working meeting times. He was on a winter vacation and did not work for 8 days straight and was available.

Then the holiday season hit and there was spacing between contact. Longer between texts. I began dating someone and did not have any communication with "Sheldon" for over a month. He contacted me, made his jokes, and brought up a promised ice cream. Then nothing for like a week.

He tends to text me with his schedule for days off, suggest a movie, and then either make contact day of to set a time, or doesn't contact at all, and I get a sense of why next time we are together and catch up. (There is drama/emergency with his dog, or his truck, or his dad, or his health. None of this is offered as an excuse for why there was no contact, just an accounting of what has happened since we last chatted.)

You can't wish him into someone else.

sigh.... I know.

I like WHO he is. But I want more of him. More time, more conversation, and yes, eventually some level of physical intimacy.

I am full time single mom, so I don't have a ton of time to devote to someone. In fact, my lack of free time has derailed a few potential matches, so this SEEMED like a refreshing change. Not getting the guilt trip for not being available.

The whole "what we have now is far superior" comment throws me. What do we have? we are both genuine. We laugh. We get along. We are intelligent and kind. I bet we make a pretty picture together. We have good table manners. What exactly about that is superior?? We are two decent people with no chemistry?

Easy enough to "poof." I am going to the beach for a week.

Pass posted 5/31/2013 22:34 PM

caregiver, maybe I'm just at a "sensitive guy" stage of my new beginning, but let me tell you something: If I were to receive a message like the one you sent Sheldon, my heart would beat out of my chest. I dream of having someone feel such warmth for me some day.

You are obviously a warm, caring person. Sheldon, on the other hand is a cold fish (should hook him up with my STBXW!).

Trust my 17.5 years of experience. You can't melt a cold heart - no matter how much you turn up the heat.

Move on. Nothing to see here.

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