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User Topic: So...there really is no end to the nerve WH has
Spelljean
♀ 35624
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are still S. WH has been wooing and wanting to R, YET--he still refuses to make rock solid plans to do so. Always wishy washy, gets gung ho for a few days, then he is MIA emotionally and physically.

And basically I'm tired of the dance, the fence sitting, the limbo. I want my life back 100%.

So, this morning we talked on the phone and I said its "shit or get off the pot time" and said I would be scheduling with a divorce clinic next week and we can both go in and figure everyting out. I told him calmly and matter-of-factly. (because its how I feel)

He doesn't want to talk divorce. And, his reaction to me saying earlier "Ok, then I will move back in with you in a couple of weeks and we start MC immediately" also had him panicked and he didn't know how to respond.

Which tells me he probably is playing both me and the OW still.

So apparently it is possible for a WH to talk about R, and plan for his BS to move back in...at some point soon....but still be cake eating?

He is either not sure of what he wants yet (or who he wants yet honestly) and is stalling me for as long as possible.

So he tells me on the phone before we hang up "Lets talk more this weekend."

I said "no more talking is needed. If you seriously aren't ready for me to move back in immediately and start MC immediately, then you don't want R."

I added "Look, its just divorce. Its not so tragic. We can handle it."

He went silent then.

I hung up, I had to get to work.

Fence sitting? Cake eating? Both? Probably both.

Anyway, going through with the divorce clinic next week.

I want the D done, and I want to find a nice man someday. I realize I do want that companionship of someone special.

[This message edited by Spelljean at 10:57 AM, May 31st (Friday)]


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
SisterMilkshake
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really, the nerve. When you got married, Spelljean, I imagine you thought you were done with the "dating scene" and that your WH made up his mind and made his choice. To expect you to go through that whole dance again is ridiculous.

Yeah, I don't see what your WH thinks is so appealing for you to be separated and "dating" your WH. Fuck that shit. You are married. Or, you are not. Simple.

eta: I personally feel he is fence sitting. Knock his ass off the fence Spelljean.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 11:04 AM, May 31st (Friday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9952 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Tiredofthepain
♀ 37932
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry. I don't know the details of your story, but it sure sounds like he is not interested in R right now. If he can't commit, today, to what you need to make this work, then you are wise to proceed in whatever way you have to in order to protect yourself.

I have read so much on here about affair fog, fence sitting, cake eating, etc.

I can't say which it is with him, but you know that right now he isn't interested in R.

So I guess it may not matter which he is, fence sitter, cake eater, etc, it's still the same end result.
I am so sorry and take care of yourself!


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So apparently it is possible for a WH to talk about R, and plan for his BS to move back in...at some point soon....but still be cake eating?

Absolutely.

It sounds like you hit the nail on the head here. Panic was the easiest telltale sign that FWH was lying.

If he "wants" R but doesn't want to commit to a deadline for beginning... well, there's really only one reason for that.

Stay strong and on your course. It MAY yank him out of his fog when he's got the divorce paperwork in front of him, or it may be the road to you getting your life back.

Either way, you win.

((((Spelljean)))


"Sometimes people are mean, and sometimes things will be hard. One of your jobs is to try and make sure that that never makes you mean and hard, too." Cord Jefferson's Mom

Posts: 18304 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Spelljean
♀ 35624
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked him point blank "Are you still seeing the OW?"

He said no.

Don't believe him now!


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
HeartInADustpan
♀ 38341
Member # 38341
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fence sitting? Cake eating? Both? Probably both.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

I'd go to the clinic and go 180/NC on him. So sorry you are going through this.

Hang in there.


Just call me Heart. :)
Reconciling
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain

Posts: 379 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
SisterMilkshake
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He may or not be, Spelljean. It is hard to believe liars. It is hard to trust. I feel he is fence sitting, but of course I have no way of knowing. He maybe NC with OW, but he didn't "break up" with her totally if you get what I mean. I feel he left the door open so he can go back if you don't work out. He is coming to you with one foot out the door. He isn't committed, doesn't really matter so much why, does it?


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9952 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Holly-Isis
♀ 13447
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Spelljean))))

I thoroughly sympathize with being in limbo.

I have to say though- if he's involved with OW in anyway, you're not in limbo, IME. You're either in an open M of sorts or no M at all. A M is two people. Not one, not three or more.

He's chosen to date, so he's choosing not to be M. He's likely testing his options- who will make the least demands of him.

It looks like you're where you need to be- willing to be without him rather than accepting less than you deserve. Just like you need to decide what you expect from the D, you need to decide what you need to remain M. He's shown complete dismissal of you, your heart and the institution of M. How can he show you he's ready to change all of that and remain the husband you deserve for the next many decades?

If he can't or if he refuses...then you'll know. No limbo, no wondering. You're not a puppy to be picked from the litter. If he can't commit, he doesn't need to be in your life taking away energy you could put to better use.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11275 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
realitybites
♀ 6908
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, you finally just get to that point where YOU now don't want to sit and wait for your own life to get back on track. Instead of waiting on him and being a "possibility".

It really is a freeing feeling. You will still have sad days but mostly it will be fewer and farther between once that big huge weight you have been dragging around is let go.


Posts: 5698 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
Spelljean
♀ 35624
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. I feel fine actually.

Just always amazes me how much someone will try to get away with if you allow them to.

Still, to take advantage of someone that cares about you isn't something I could do to someone.

I had been in a somewhat vulnerable state and he knew it and used it to fence sit, or whatever he has been doing.

Mental abuse and not even in a mild form.


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
NeverAgain2013
♀ 38121
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you that you didn't fall for that old stalling tactic, "we'll talk tomorrow/this weekend/next Tuesday..." blah blah blah.

That's just a way to buy more time and keep you hanging on the fishing line while he continues to play both sides of the fence.

Good for you, moving forward and making your OWN choices. That's what it's all about.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1899 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
JanaGreen
♀ 29341
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry Spelljean. Tell him you're tired of relationship hokey-pokey. Put your whole self in, or take your whole self out!


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 5-year-old daughter. Baby Green 2.0 expected June 2015!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 6921 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
I think I can
♀ 17756
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So apparently it is possible for a WH to talk about R, and plan for his BS to move back in...at some point soon....but still be cake eating?

Not just possible, but extremely common. They'll do it as long as you let them.

Actions actions actions. He's doing jack shit. (Well ok, he's doing OW)


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8845 | Registered: Jan 2008
Spelljean
♀ 35624
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actions are what I'm all about. All I have been getting are words.


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
Heavy Sigh
♀ 34243
Member # 34243
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actions are what I'm all about. All I have been getting are words.

Amen. It's difficult for BS to grasp this, from letting hope blind us (the BS Fog), but actions are everything.


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
Spelljean
♀ 35624
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW has no doubt been getting lots of "words" too but she can have the whole rotten enchilada now if she wants.

All I know is its the first time my WH said "We need to talk about it later this weekend" and I came back with a "No more talking is needed" response.

'Cause I really don't want to talk about anything.

Here is what WH could "DO"

1. Bring a U-haul and move my stuff back into the house immediately.
2. Schedule a MC session himself and be early to arrive to the first appointment.
3. Turn over his cell phone to me as a gesture of trust and commitment.

But I really don't care if he doesn't do all that.

Just an example of actions versus words. Not that everyone here doesn't already appreciate the difference.


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
Skan
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good on you, spelljean. To everything there comes a time, and it looks like it's your time to be freed from this circular hell. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5096 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
sodamnlost
♀ 37190
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((HUGS))))

Stand your ground. You deserve better and you know it.


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 769 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
ButterflyGirl
♀ 38377
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Either way, you win.

Yep. I always think waywards should be shown the door. Then they can knock and pound and beg to get back in, doing EVERYTHING you need and want to make this work and help you heal, or they can walk away since they were never going to be faithful or do what it takes to recover from this anyway...

None of this in between time, cake eating, fence sitting, emotionally abusive "deciding time." It just amazes me how selfish these waywards are when they pull this crap.. ONLY thinking about themselves..

Good for you.. You aren't letting him manipulate you one bit, and that shows a lot of strength on your part..

Big hugs..


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2675 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
gonnabe2016
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honey, file for divorce.

Shut. The. Door.

I realize that this year has been full of ups and downs for you. But think about it. It has been almost a whole year since Dday....and he is still trying to *talk* and being wishy-washy.

You have got to let go of your *hoped-for* outcome and deal with what is right in front of you. You still aren't even sure whether OW is in the picture or not.

Your hope is making you waste your life. You are sitting at home...*hoping*....while he is off doing <whoknowswhat> while wooing you.

Sultan did this stringing along shit to me also. Just last December I was getting texts from him about all that he was willing to do if I would *R* with him and stop the divorce. Guess what I found out later.....he sent those texts while he was sitting in a bar, 2.5 hours away from home, with his OW and her friends.

At some point, SJ, you need to start looking out for YOU. Chalk the marriage's demise down to his brokenness, incompatible relationship values, or incompatible definitions of what love is. It really doesn't matter.

The only thing that matters is this: He betrayed you. And he doesn't really seem to feel very badly about it.

So even if he called you 5 minutes from now and asked you to come home.....would you really feel safe, loved, and wanted with a person that has spent the last year treating you in the manner that he has?

edited because punctuation marks matter....

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 7:49 PM, May 31st (Friday)]


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8181 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 25
Pages: 1 · 2

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