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Found out years later !!!!

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Daysie posted 5/31/2013 11:36 AM

DD was 3mths ago on our 35 Wedding Anniversary !!!! WH had an affair with my then BF.
Has anyone else had to deal with an affair coming to light after 32yrs ???? For me it could have happened yesterday - the pain is so bad and its as if all our years since have been based on lies. I just feel all the respect I had for him has gone. Until DD I always thought we were really happy and well matched. He has had no contact with her since then as we moved away - but I still kept in touch. More fool me - if only I had known

hopefulmother posted 5/31/2013 12:47 PM

So sorry...mine was going on 8 when H had an A. But, I know what it is like to feel like the last 7yrs have been a lie. Not to mention, you are in shock of who this man is that you sleep with every night.

Skan posted 5/31/2013 14:16 PM

Dayse, for you, it DID just happen yesterday! Because that's when you found out and all of the horror and shock hit. But, unlike having it happen "only" yesterday, you have had 32 YEARS of yesterdays. You're legatimately asking yourself:

Was this the only time?
Have I been betrayed over all of these years?
When I think of X good time we had, was there another woman waiting in the wings for him?
Was our entire marriage a lie?
If he's kept this big secret from me for 32 years, what ELSE is he hiding?
How could he look into my eyes for 32 years and tell me that he loved me and only me?

I ask all of these questions. And my FWHs ONS was "only" a year ago. But his involvement with strippers and porn, I found out in the discovery phase, went back to year 6 of our 21 year marriage. He used a photo I took of him in Paris for a hook-up site to show he was "well traveled." He used a photo that he cropped me out of, for a profile. Etc. So yeah, it's raw, its immediate, and it throws a doubt on your entire life together.

Please look up at the upper left corner of your screen at the yellow box and click on The Healing Library. Start reading. There's a lot of good stuff there. Do not let your WH tell you to "get over it" because it happened so long ago. It is fresh and immediate to you, and it is a colossal lie that he and your "friend" have allowed you to live for decades. Personally, I would write a NC (no contact) letter to your "friend" letting her know exactly what you think of her letting you live this lie for all of these years and, if she was married at the time and is still married to the same person, I would copy her BH. He has a right to know that his life has been full of lies as well.

(((hugs))) Keep coming back often. We are all here to support you.

Daysie posted 6/1/2013 01:54 AM

Thank you so much for getting back. I did contact my EXBF and she admitted to their affair. She told me all the details and said it was all a big mistake . Of course I never want to contact her again - I did send a letter to her BH but I think she got to it first and then had the police contact me to warn me off and not contact her again . I am giving myself some time and then I will send another. I just want her to know what they did to both me and her BH. My husband has told me there has never been anyone else since - says the shock of what he did has lived with him since. If you read my history you will see what a nightmare it has been recently. I want to believe that we have a future again - but I don't know if I will be able to stay? He is trying so hard to make me happy again and said he can't live without me. He says that if he didn't love me why would he be still here with me after all these years

betrayed2years posted 6/1/2013 05:19 AM

Daysie, sorry that your here, i too know what it feels like, my wife admitted to a affair 2 years ago with her boss, she was going through menopause and wanted a divorce, but never left,i felt betrayed,cheated on, lied to, now karma has bit her on the ass, she has a S.T.D.(thank god i don't) i was tested , and she was pissed i that i went for the test,so there is many people in here that can help,strangers that can offer support for what ever your feeling, so vent all you want girl,
me BS 53
her WS 52
D-day Nov 2012
trying to figure out what to do

[This message edited by betrayed2years at 5:21 AM, June 1st (Saturday)]

somanyyears posted 6/1/2013 16:53 PM

..same here!!

..found out the truth 40 years later..

..there is a special thread in the "I Can Relate' forum, pg 2 titled:

..For those Who Found Out Years Later.." can read there to get lots of advice as well.

So sorry you are here.


Rella posted 6/1/2013 17:18 PM

I'm sure this is as if the A just occurred yesterday. And 35 years of lies probably makes it even harder.

I think she got to it first and then had the police contact me to warn me off and not contact her again

I don't understand what the police would have to say about it! It's not criminal to out an A. If I have a beef with someone, I don't go running to the police! Her guilt will have her looking around every corner expecting to see you for a very long time.


Blameitontherain posted 6/1/2013 21:15 PM

I found out 4 years after it happened. skan is right on- you will question everything that has happened since then. It is mentally exhausting.

My big hang up is if he thought he got away with it (his words), why wouldn't he have another A ? Makes sense to me. If to got away with it, no consequences, what the hell would keep him from doing it again. He denies there was anymore. I don't know if I believe him.

Gr8Lady posted 6/1/2013 21:32 PM

Oh yes, SO been there after 35 yrs, I had suspicions here and there over the years but always denial denial denial from WS.
It cuts to the essence of my soul, no matter when I found out the truth. The truth ha (after the initial turmoil and feeling of gut wrenching behavior) a very healing thing for me. At last I know without any doubt my gut feelings were correct. Despite that comment, it isn,t about being right, it is about having my feelings and concerns validated.

I so wish you peace and comfort, from the bottom of my heart.

InRetrospect posted 6/1/2013 21:38 PM

The thing I hate is how these SOBs make us re-evaluate decades of shared history. Bastards.

traditoperanni posted 6/1/2013 21:52 PM

I can relate. Only too well. My fwh had many ow over the last 40yrs.
One ow was around for 37yrs.
(see profile) I found out about her a year ago. She is no one I know, thank God, but to know that there has been another w in my life that I didn't know about is mind blowing to me.
There was another ow that my fwh had a brief A with 25 yrs ago, they remained friends ( I sure didn't know about this) and about 13 yrs ago she needed a job so my fwh hired her!! We became friendly, I use to have her over for holidays etc. I found out about their A 3 yrs ago. Yeah, it was 25 yrs ago but to me it was like yesterday. And the fact that they had this "little" secret kills me. How am I suppose to feel? She still works for him(that's another story) and now I do not talk to her ever. She feels absolutely terrible but that's too bad.
We are in MC and trying to work through all this shit,but there are days where I just want to scream.
How much is one person suppose to take? Actually, I'm more upset that they remained friends talking once a week all these years than I am about the 4 month A.
Really? You hired someone you had an A with years before? You bring that back into your life and mine?
Who does that? A fucking idiot that's who.
Sorry. Got carried away.
Take care

Daysie posted 6/2/2013 17:31 PM

Thank-you for all your posts - it is comforting to know I can relate to you all. Today I really lost it with WH. Told him I was ashamed that he was my husband and ashamed that he was the father of my children. Also said that if I had found out about it back then, I would have taken my DD and DS away and then divorced him. His affair took place just after my son was born - in my eyes he didn't deserve to be a father. Have said to him he prevented me and the children from having a better life with a decent man. Oh boy was I horrible to him - I just couldn't help myself, I am in so much pain and have not been able to sleep or eat properly for the past three months.

Phoenix1 posted 6/3/2013 00:52 AM

Sorry your here. I found out after 25 years together that his first affair was only 3 years after our marriage. Made me question absolutely everything in our relationship, and now I feel like it was all a lie, a fraud. Only you can decide if it is a deal breaker or not.

m334455 posted 6/3/2013 01:12 AM

You two need to talk about it. It will help. You say it ended because you moved away. Maybe he can elaborate on that for you. Has he had other affairs? If not, why not? Does he know why he had this one?

My WH's LTA was 20 years long at the time I discovered it, and we'd been married 7 of those years. So, I get the long-time "this has all been a lie" feeling, even though I'm on a bit of a different timeline.

Talk it out with him. It's possible he never had another affair, that gives you more to work with. It's also possible this is just the tip of the iceberg. That happens here too.

Most of all, be gentle with yourself and focus on your health first and foremost.

ItsaClimb posted 6/3/2013 01:22 AM

I am so sorry you find yourself here Daysie. I can totally relate. I found out 8.5 years after the affair ended.

I think finding out years after makes it so much harder to deal with in many ways and (I hate to say it!) a little easier in others.

If it were a book, it's like I am on chapter 1 and fWH has already finished reading the book. I am freaking out, going through trauma, crying, screaming and in his head the thing is completely over, past tense, dealt with (well rug-swept in his case!) and filed away. This makes it SO hard, we are literally "not on the same page"!

I also feel like the years between the A ending and D-Day are one big fat lie. I thought my life was "this" and in fact it was "that".. it's a mind-fuck of note! I question every single thing about all those intervening years.

To make matters worse, a couple of people we have confided in who are very close to us have got the attitude "It happened years ago, it's not nice, but it's been over for ages so what on earth are you making such a fuss about? You have been so happy since then, the A is long over, so forget about it!" Which pisses me off REALLY badly! Because it happened long ago and he hid it from me does NOT mean he never betrayed me, it means he betrayed me AND lied to me!! People just don't understand.

What does make it easier in my situation is that the A is very much over and has been for 9 years now. My fWH came to see what a horrible person OW is a long time ago, his feelings for her are LONG over. I don't feel like she is "waiting in the wings". Although he still works with her, their relationship is very cold and distant. So that helps IMO. He is not still trying to get over her, those feelings are not fresh. I have found comfort in that.

In my situation I acted as if the A had just happened as I worked through it. I read all the books and posts here on SI and identified completely with those who were dealing with an A that had just happened. Time has helped immensely, it really is the key in dealing with infidelity.

As time has gone by I have slowly come to realise that the years between the A ending and D-Day WERE in fact good in many ways - I totally could NOT see that at first. I have reclaimed some very happy memories from those times and I am enormously grateful for that. It is still a work-in-progress though.

Hang in there. I promise you that if your spouse is truly remorseful and if you can be honest and understanding with each other, things WILL get better. If you ever need to talk, please feel free to PM me. {hugs}

Daysie posted 6/4/2013 11:49 AM

Hi Friends,
Thanks for all your advice. If you read my posts you will understand how difficult this has been recently. Problem is WH has huge difficulty with his memory (not lying) I had to find out most of the details about the affair from my XBF. She only told me because she was scared I would ruin her life. My husband knew it had happened but all his thoughts about it were all mixed up. I have never known him to lie about anything - this was the first. He is in a real bad place just now and keeps saying he was so ashamed about it that he pushed it way down deep. I do believe that - but it still doesn't stop this pain . He has not left my side since this came out and I know he is devastated watching me go through this nightmare. He is cooking for me, checking when I struggle to go to work that I have had something to eat and doing all the household chores. I see him looking at me and I know he is aware that he caused all this !!!

Itstoohard posted 7/18/2013 20:46 PM

(Daysie) I found out 22 yrs later. Questioned him numerous times but he always denied anything happened. He has done everything he can since to change. It's been 10 months. Like everyone says time does wonders. My FWH doesn't remember much either. He remembers the details of the ONS but nothing of years before he got to the point that he could take it to a PA. It's a hell of a roller coaster ride...hang on..take care of yourself. SI will help you get thru this.

Juanita posted 9/13/2013 20:24 PM

Oh, Daysie, and everyone else on this thread - My first post was July 23rd - "I've been robbed . . ." I found out 8 months after my husband died !
After being together for 43 years and married for 39.Its in my profile. I've met with his mistress. She told me their emotional affair went on their whole lives but the sex only began in '97. She was 54 and he 57. How absurd it all seems but, at 71, I am feeling so cheated of a chance at a wonderful sex life, of a life companion, of the chance to mourn or have any good memories of most of my life.
My sons are in shock and telling me they want to preserve their good memories so "Mom, don't talk about it., Don't tell us what you're going through"
His mistress has told her children, who are my childrens' generation and who my children know and like. So the comfort I seek from my children isn't available to me.
Two days ago I was diagnosed with uterine cancer - I relate this very directly to the stress and the pain I was suppressing even before I found out. I have a "suspicious mass" in my breast. Body - mind.
I was suffering from diverticulosis and had a re-section done. Mind - Body. ALL, yes ALL ! of this can be directly and medically attributed to stress. So when caring people remind you to take care of yourself, of your health: eat, drink water, try to calm, or meditate - it's no joke.
I'm now so scared that my diverticulosis -stress induced - is searing my gut again that I'm taking pills - antidepressants - anti-anxiety - therapy - everything I can to calm down the searing pain of my gut, the deep ache in my heart, whenever I think of my husband meeting his mistress, lying with his mistress in my bed or anywhere, arranging rendezvous with his mistress on the phone -
I know he drove 4 hours to see her within 2 weeks before he died ! They had to be having sex for 20 years, though she says "only 15".
Her letters indicate a different story. So I really know how it feels to find out your life has been a lie and a joke for so many years. So so long to keep a secret life !He was so good at it, though I have to recognize that his mistreatment of me, hisz refusal to make love for so long,so many years, should have been my wakeup call. I didn't want to know that he didn't love me. I was denying.
I chose to trust. From the beginning he had trained me to not complain, to not question. Such a docile student. The man is dead. He's wounded me irreparably and clearly I can't confront him. Ha,ha.
I loved him so, and I can't even stop that feeling! I can't hate either. But if I lose this damned cancer dance contest, I know he was fixing the competition with his betrayal of my life with him.
The ironies are endless, aren't they? I'm 71 and he would be 73 and I still want to make love with him. . . .
I could if he were alive and willing.

Camalus posted 9/14/2013 07:07 AM

I found out almost 15 years after the fact. For WW it is ancient history. For me, it is a living hell and very new.

I'm a greenhorn at this and should not give anyone advice.

I will say IC is helping me a lot and my WW will go for her first IC on Monday.

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