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uniquenewyork posted 5/31/2013 14:03 PM

So, I check my W's work email on occasion. Today was such an occasion. She knows, gives me the password, etc.
At 10:30 last night, the former mOM sent her an email, saying that he was cleaning out his email and came across one that he had sent her over a year ago. It was a request for a donation (my W runs a small charity org, as just part of her job). Then, he said "Lunch next week?"

Okay, so she kept it in her in box all day today. She knows I check, but she kept it around. I didn't see a reply to him. I actually just checked again, and now it's gone, but nothing in Sent.

AFAIK, she hasn't spoken to him in going on a couple of years (AFAIK). But, he asked her out to lunch?!?! I ratted him out to his wife and his BW let me know about contact that they had post NC, etc.

So, is he that stupid? Should I ask my W about it. I was (and still am) hoping that she will mention it to me. (I made a screen cap of it, so I can always send it to his BW).
I'm not terribly worried that she will go to lunch with him, but I will have my eyes peeled.

Thoughts on how to approach this? Needless to say, that put a damper on my day...

authenticnow posted 5/31/2013 14:06 PM

It's very concerning that your W didn't tell you. I'd definitely talk to her about it today.

And yes, I'd send it to his wife.

cayc posted 5/31/2013 14:07 PM

You need to speak up and ask why she didn't say anything to you. It's not ok to just delete and not mention. Even if you're monitoring her email and she knows you saw it, it's not being transparent to just say nothing. It is, in fact, rugsweeping b/c clearly she doesn't want to deal with, face it, face you.

uniquenewyork posted 5/31/2013 14:10 PM

For the record, she didn't get the email until this morning, so I am going to see if she says anything tonight. If not, I'll say something.

It's all very curious. They have no contact for almost 2 yrs. and he says "Lunch next week?" That seems a little too familiar for not having spoken...

luv_lost posted 5/31/2013 14:11 PM

I agree with the previous posters. She should have said something right away and if it was honestly not possible to say let you know right when she received it, she should have let you know asap. Or say, hey can't talk right now but gotta tell you something when I'm free. (I dunno, maybe she had a meeting...whatever but you get my point).

This is not behaviour that rebuilds trust.

I would def send to the OM'S BW. She deserves to know he's still an ass.

Happydays posted 5/31/2013 14:19 PM

I'd wait for 24 hours.
She must have genuinely forgot to mention the email received from former OM.
In that case I'd cook up a conversation regarding some email related stuff which should make her remember to tell you.
Deleting before telling you, is not good for M health or R health for that matter.
ETA:
After giving cues to speak up about the email, she doesn't talk about it, I'd be mighty suspicious.

[This message edited by Happydays at 2:21 PM, May 31st (Friday)]

gonnabe2016 posted 5/31/2013 14:22 PM

Perhaps I'm looking at a horse and seeing a zebra, but the "Lunch next week?" seems pretty darn casual and friendly for a person that is contacting someone after not speaking for a couple of years. Of course, the guy could just be an awkward social bumbler....or maybe I'm channeling Miss Manners.

(I just saw your newest post....and see that you noticed the same thing that I did.)

gonnabe2016 posted 5/31/2013 14:23 PM

Was the email in her trash? Or had she deleted it from there also?

uniquenewyork posted 5/31/2013 14:47 PM

The email was in her Inbox all day. Now, it's nowhere to be found. Not in trash (but there are hundreds in there).
It's weird. I access her webmail, so it may not be an accurate reflection of her "real" mail. Also, it seems that when she accesses her email from her phone, it doesn't "record" her operations accurately. KWIM?

gonnabe2016 posted 5/31/2013 14:58 PM

I would then suggest that you wait a day or so to see if she brings it up on her own. If she doesn't, perhaps a bit of investigative work is warranted before you address it.

The fact that there hasn't been contact in a couple of years, along with the overly-familiar tone of the email, and that it happened today....should bother your wife enough for her to not *forget* about it.

I vote for a *wait and watch* approach.....with perhaps the subtle email references dropped into conversation that were suggested to you earlier.

eta: dropping an email reference into conversation gives a way to *broach* the subject without you having to sound accusatory....and might be helpful for her in case she is having a problem with *how* to bring it up.....

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 3:01 PM, May 31st (Friday)]

5454real posted 5/31/2013 15:17 PM

personally, I would wait a week. completely deleting the email is one heck of a large red flag. I don't know if it's possible in your situation, but I would monitor for lunches for the next week.

at the end of the week I would forward the email to the betrayed wife, and I would have a serious boundary discussion with my Fww. that of course is assuming that nothing happens at lunch.

strength

m334455 posted 5/31/2013 15:24 PM

Why is everyone saying wait? I'd call my WH right away. After a while, you get sick and tired of the cloak and dagger drama. At least, I hope you all do/will. Call her at work. See what she says.

metamorphisis posted 5/31/2013 15:40 PM

I would also suggest waiting a little bit to see if she brings it up. It could be she knows it will put a damper on things and is waiting a little bit to collect her thoughts and tell you gently. BUT.. there is no excuse in my mind for erasing it without telling you. That bothers me. Give her a chance to do the right thing, but don't let it go too long, and definitely confront if she doesn't come forth with it.

metamorphisis posted 5/31/2013 15:42 PM

m3, I see your point. But I think it's important to wait because if he brings it up, she's going to say she was going to tell him, and he will never know if that is true. If he waits a bit, she may tell him and I think her honesty there would be a huge relief.
I'd rather give my husband the chance to do the right thing so I knew without a doubt he'd make the right choice.
Though knowing me I would confront the second I saw it because I shoot from the hip and have zero patience

[This message edited by metamorphisis at 3:43 PM, May 31st (Friday)]

solus sto posted 5/31/2013 15:46 PM

What's to be gained by waiting?!

I would ask, tonight, why only ONE email from her work email was deleted from BOTH her inbox AND trash: the email from OM.

I agree, the cloak-and-dagger stuff is for the birds. Why should a BS's anxiety be left at Defcon 1 when simple conversation can resolve the matter, one way or the other?

Unique, I agree that the "lunch next week?" is very casual for someone not in contact. It may be that he's now pushing boundaries and testing the safety of work email.

I would want to know whether there has been other communication (waiting won't answer that), why the email was deleted before you were told and could read it with her (waiting won't answer that), and what the plan is to ensure future NC (waiting won't answer that).

Transparency is crucial. Waiting may give you an idea of whether your wife is being transparent...but really, you already know that she hasn't been, at least today.

So talk about it. Find out if there have been other days she hasn't been transparent.

Heavy Sigh posted 5/31/2013 15:55 PM

M33 and solus - I'm dumbfounded you'd both ask why wait.

If you ask a WS about the email, they lie. Nearly always. Even if it's just to avoid drama and not that the WS plans to resume the affair. Drama avoidance. Conversations with a WS are worthless if they're lying.

But if you wait, then you can figure out what they ACTUALLY WILL DO (like respond to it or really meet for lunch). And that makes all the difference in the world as to whether or not a WS is trustworthy and whether or not a BS wants to remain married to this person

My Opinion: People who confront early and don't investigate are chicken. They would rather the WS lie than to have to deal with the truth if it's not good. So they confront early so that a WS can lie, or go more deeply underground by being tipped off.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 4:02 PM, May 31st (Friday)]

uniquenewyork posted 5/31/2013 16:10 PM

I am going to wait...a bit. 1) to see if she brings it up, which is doubtful; she's a pro rugsweeper,and 2) to monitor. Didnt like the tone. Of course now i get to be anxious. I'm sure tjat she knows there is a chance that i saw it. But she will most likely wait for me to bring it up--thinking that if i didnt see it, i wouldnt bring it up. .se

Jrazz posted 5/31/2013 16:24 PM

My Opinion: People who confront early and don't investigate are chicken.

So I agree that in a lot of cases, including this one, it makes sense to wait a bit an collect evidence.

I wholeheartedly disagree that those who confront immediately are "chicken" and would rather their WS lie. Sometimes emotion just takes over. It takes a HELL of a lot of wherewithal to go into investigative mode instead of just blowing the lid off the case because your universe was just upended.

I'm terrible at keeping things under my hat, but not because I'm chicken. Impulsive, sure. I also have this thing where I need my reality to be REAL, and I need it yesterday. People trying to hide things don't like me - what can I say.

Sorry to t/j. I just think that the namecalling was really unnecessary.

5454real posted 5/31/2013 16:29 PM

If a ww is going to cheat, there really is no way to stop her, just drive it deeper underground. Right now you have an opportunity to check both her honesty and fidelity. If she thinks you didn't see it you have an identifiable timeframe in which to 'catch' them. Confrontation about the deleted e-mail can wait until after that window of opportunity closes.

Damn, I really hope she comes home and admits to it.

Infidelity sux.

ETA I agree with Jrazz "Sorry to t/j. I just think that the namecalling was really unnecessary."

[This message edited by 5454real at 4:31 PM, May 31st (Friday)]

metamorphisis posted 5/31/2013 17:34 PM

People who confront early and don't investigate are chicken

Duly noted. Good thing I don't care if you think I'm a chicken. Look I was overwhelmed. I literally went from "My partner loves me and is not having sex with someone else" to "Oh.. apparently he is."

Being tactical was the last thing on my mind. Murder was pretty much at the forefront.

But in the end.. who the heck cares? Do what's best for you uniquenewyork (and everyone), and if that turns out to be the totally wrong thing.. approach it a different way. Last time I checked it wasn't a contest on who handled this shit show perfectly.

[This message edited by metamorphisis at 5:46 PM, May 31st (Friday)]