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dontstop posted 5/31/2013 14:28 PM

Here's what I'd like to say before I begin. My husband and I have always been best friends and married for 11 years. We have two daughters. Anyone who knows us says we are in sync, a great match, you name it.

So he left for an eight month military tour this past year. Throughout the eight months, we spoke of our future in hundreds of ways, we talked almost every day, and we sent care packages and postcards. Most of all, we talked about how much we missed each other. As the date came closer, I had the girls decorate the house. I ordered the cake. I had my dress and shoes picked out months earlier with the hope of wowing him. I even had won a free nightís stay at the Hilton from an art show earlier in the year so I talked to two managers about extending the coupon until he came out and arranged a babysitter. It was going to be perfect.

The last week before he came home, he acted completely distant. At our "homecoming" he embraced our daughters while I received a one-armed hug. On the ride home, he was distant. Maybe a day or two later, he asked for a divorce.

He kept telling me that we grew apart and such, but that made no sense from what heís told me in the past eight months. I knew there was something going on so naturally I figured it was post traumatic stress syndrome. It wasnít. While I kept trying to tell him not to divorce for something I believe we could work on (i.e. so-called growing apart), I noticed him talking on his phone at the side of the house. Then I confronted him. The words just blurted out. Did you cheat on me? At this point, we were up together night and day talking and crying (mostly me). I had nothing else to understand, nothing else made sense. I was numb when he said yes.

I had my best friend take the girls away from the house so I could talk to him. But I yelled at him. Then I just stopped. There was no Jerry Springer show. No vindictive plotting. I admit that I had been so stressed out trying to figure out what was wrong that it was slightly a relief that I knew the truth. Since then, heís said sorry a million times. Heís asked my permission to get near me. Heís told me any detail Iíve wanted to know. We donít even argue, we just talk. He said he wants to try to make it work, he loves me, etc. Heíll do things like bring me coffee in the mornings, ask me how I am doing throughout the day, anything you can think of. He said he feels ashamed, guilty, remorseful, and sad. He has said and done everything a woman like me would need to hear after learning about the adultery. I could have turned him in and he would have lost his promotion, or even his job. The same for her. RevengeÖIt feels great when I play it over and over in my head. But thatís not me. So she moves on with her life. He still gets his big promotion, he's still a great dad, and everything works out for him. Then thereís me.

I donít feel better. I wake up and tell myself to get out of bed. All I have to do is think about it and my whole day is ruined. As I write this, these things have occurred all in the last 3 or 4 weeks. Itís all new to me. I didnít magically stop loving him just because I learned all these horrible details. I know I will never be the same, nor will I look at ďloveĒ the same way again. I donít have his trust and apparently respect. We have so much that weíve invested in our lives together and I was grateful for every day of it.

He wants to save the marriage and I said the same out loud to him. That is as far as I can go at this point. Please, somebody tell me anything that can give me hope.

Lostinthismess posted 5/31/2013 14:48 PM


I'm tearing up reading this because I feel the same way. Get to counseling. Military onestop will provide marriage counseling. Tricare covers individual if you need them at the same time. I'm so sorry you're here.

TrustGone posted 5/31/2013 15:27 PM

I am so sorry he has done this to you and your marriage. You are still very raw and what you are feeling is normal. It doesn't matter how remorseful your WS is, it still hurts and will for a long time. The only thing that has helped me somewhat is time and understanding he is not who I thought he was. It also helped to know it really wasn't about me or our marriage, but what was broken inside of him. I am just collateral damage in his LTA, sad but true. I also thought we were best friends and never in my life ever thought he would/could cheat on me. I thought we had a great marriage. The fact was it was just MY illusion of our marriage. He obviously did not feel the same way and does not put a lot of importance on marriage, integrity, or trust in a realtionship. As long as his needs are getting met that's all that matters to him. When our marriage moved out of the honeymoon stage and onto everyday married life with bills, responsibilities, jobs, family, etc.. it was no longer fun and exciting like it was in the beginning. He craved the new love feeling and that is what the LTA provided for him for a while until the OW started making demands of her own and wanting him to leave me for her. He even gave her an engagement ring almost a year before DDay#1 just to shut her up for a while. It didn't work, after 2yrs she was tired of being his secret and so she spilled the beans on their relationship so to speak. By then she was like an obsession and he took it underground for another year, in false R with me, until she outed him again. It was hard for him to give up his ego-kibbles and face what he had done. Easier to just rug sweep and act like it never happened, you know. so that's where we are still at. Will he ever own it, who knows?? He is transparent and kind. He comes home on time everyday and shows me all of his proof of where he has been. I wished I could say we are in R, but I know we are not yet there and may never get there. That is what I am accepting myself now and have almosr succeded at detaching myself from him and the marriage.

There are lots of couples on here that do succeed at R and some of their marriages are even better (Minus the affair). They say it takes 2-5 yrs to R from an affair and that depends on the couple of course. Can the WS own his shit and be remorseful and transparent, find out what is wrong and fix it and help the BS heal from the pain he/she caused?? Also can the BS get past the pain and mistrust to let the WS back into his/her life??? All these are huge hurdles to get over in order to fully R and all of them take a lot of time and work. Some people have it in them, some just don't. It all depends on the sitch. Nothing is ever impossible or hopeless. Keep posting. SI is a great place to vent and express your emotions with people that know what you are feeling now. (((HUGS)))

dontstop posted 5/31/2013 22:50 PM

So I went to his ceremony this evening and put on my smiling face. All I heard over and over is what a great guy he is and everyone on Facebook is going on about how proud they are. Meanwhile, I'm pissed. I want to make him feel like know, the way I feel. I hate being on this emotional rollercoaster.

Thank you! I appreciate the kind words. We went to the mil counselor individual and together before he told me the truth. From what I experienced, the counseling was way below quality. I know eventually counseling is going to happen though.

I know exactly what you mean when you say he wasn't who you thought he was. And I do get the feeling that it was about his needs getting met. If we were to go down the road of D or legal separation, he didn't want me to put "adultery" as the reason so the military wouldn't find out. I really don't care. I know we all need his paycheck, but it's like if he can get away with it now without any real consequence, what if he ever tries this again in the future? I feel stuck in a bad predicament.

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