SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

DoneWithMarriage posted 5/31/2013 15:00 PM

This is my second marriage. My first husband abandoned our family (3 kids)--went to work and never came home again. Had already set up a home with the OW. I survived, we all moved on, and I tried again. Just found out last week that my husband cheated on me in the first year of our marriage with his XW. I never thought I would have to feel this pain again but here I am. Life is even more complicated now with grown/teen kids, college, a house, a business... I'm not 30 anymore and am terrified of how to make it on my own at this stage of my life. This is an absolute deal breaker for me....but where do I go?

[This message edited by DoneWithMarriage at 3:01 PM, May 31st (Friday)]

Heavy Sigh posted 5/31/2013 15:07 PM

So have you been married in just one year, or have you been married for several years but just now finding out he slept with ex-wife years ago, in that first year?

Men and their harem-building. Hell yeah, I don't know what to tell my daughter about marriage. I guess married or not, you get hurt.

tryinghard2013 posted 5/31/2013 15:08 PM

I too dealt with that. This is my second marriage and three weeks before our wedding I learner my husband had a four month affair with his exwife. He ended it that day but it will take lots of time and work yo get back the marriage

heartache101 posted 5/31/2013 15:12 PM

You will do just like you did last time if it is a deal breaker for you. You are strong you can do this!

But why did he just now tell you?? Like how many years has it been?

DoneWithMarriage posted 5/31/2013 15:15 PM

We have now been married 10 years. I just found out that during year one, he slept with his XW. There is no amount of counseling that will allow me to forgive him. To think they shared that little "secret" all these years...that he was lying to me every single day. And his XW, btw, HATES me. She is verbally abusive to me when she sees me, sends me ranting, cruel emails, has tried very hard to turn the skids against me.... To think all this time I drew comfort from thinking my DH had my back...when he was instead stabbing it.

DoneWithMarriage posted 5/31/2013 15:18 PM

Oh, and he didn't tell me. His XW did. They were battling over college expenses and as always, she started sending me emails about how DH was agreeable and easy to deal with until he met me...and that is when she dropped the bomb. She said she has been tempted to tell me for years but actually felt sorry for DH and didn't want to make more trouble for him.

TrustGone posted 5/31/2013 15:41 PM

I am so sorry you are going through this again. I also married two different cheaters. (I guess my picker doesn't work so well). I also thought that this would be a dealbreaker for me, but we are still muddling through at this point. There are others on here that their WS cheated with the ex-spouse. Luckily mine found an old skank GF and not his ex to cheat with. I would hate to have her know that for so long and not tell me. ICK. That would certainly chap my ass too. To know what these ex's are like and then to cheat with them takes stupid to a whole new rim doesn't it. (((HUGS)))

Reality posted 5/31/2013 16:34 PM

In my second marriage, too. Second time in this situation, with some similarities and some major differences. I'm also on the second DD with my current husband.

With my first, though I know now he was acting out his sexual addictions (and other issues) pretty much any place available, I divorced him for his physical, sexual, and emotional abuse. The affairs were way down the list.

With my current husband, there isn't any physical abuse - just sets of emotional affairs. Big, involved, multi-party emotional affairs.

They've gutted me. Maybe it's because my first husband was such a literal monster, from day one, that I never had any pretense of being in love with him. With my current husband, I was so in love with him. Even now, I catch a glimpse of him and find myself staring, before the pain and sadness pings. Even with that, after the first DD, I swore I would never go through that kind of pain again for anyone.

But I'm here. The reason I'm still here is because he's trying - really trying. He's learning about himself, understanding what caused his thought processes, discovered that unhealthy need for validation. I'm not at all saying that EAs aren't absolutely on par with PAs - because they ARE in terms of betrayal - but also, frankly, his affairs weren't sexual at all in nature - which is a hugely loaded thing for me after the terrible sexual connotations of my first marriage. If they had been PAs, bye-bye. I can't have physical intimacy be twisted for me again. Ever.

If the betrayers really work on themselves, this is survivable. If they don't, everything possible in that relationship is doomed.

I won't blow rainbow clouds of magical sparkles; it's HARD. It's like performing surgery on yourself without anesthesia; you have to stay awake, stay in pain, and dig around in terribly sensitive areas with steady hands that aren't just cutting everything up. For a long time. Forgive the continued metaphor, but if the body is too unhealthy to survive surgery, boom - dead on the table. If there's healthy tissue, and a solid operating plan, there's a chance. There's a difference between injury and long term (and fatal) disease.

You're the only one that can diagnose the situation. Ten years is a long time. Who told you obviously has major agenda, both emotionally and financially.

Clip board and stethoscope up, Done. Check for a heartbeat, or salt and burn the corpse.

1Faith posted 5/31/2013 17:10 PM

Has he admitted it?

How has your marriage been in the 10 years? Do you feel that you have a "good" marriage?

So sorry that you have lived with this lie.

Hang in there.

(((hugs)))

sparkysable posted 6/1/2013 06:50 AM

Donewithmarriage...I was actually going to recommend this website to you, but I see that you found it.