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Do I tell now?

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undonelife posted 5/31/2013 15:36 PM

I'm 6 months from d day. 3 months from true beginning of R. We started MC & we've both done IC. When I discovered the affair he asked for a divorce that his heart was with her, he loved her. I had to force NC on him twice with threats of outing hom to his boss & i told the AP that it was done & over or her boss would know too before they stopped contact. He was afraid of loosing his job & people finding out what kind of man he really was. I guess she was too. I wish now i hadnt done it and just let them hang themselves with their stupidity. I didn't know about SI at this time & did not tell the AP's BS. I was concerned he'd do something stupid like cause a scene @ WH work or brong a gun yhere or worse because he knew my WH. I wish now I'd have told. Should I tell him now this far out? I also know the sluts parents & the BS parents contact info. Should I tell them now ?

Heavy Sigh posted 5/31/2013 15:43 PM

If you really think he would take a gun to work and is known to be a hothead who would come over and blast away at your family or at work, then no.

As for your other actions, Why did you want a man to be with you only because you threatened him with work exposure?

Remove the threats to your WH and his job. Tell him he can do what he wants. If he stays, then that's true reconciliation. It's not true reconciliation if he's there only from coercion.

If he wants to stay, then you'll have a true reconciliation and happier marriage if he's not mentally doing what that song lyric says - counting the days until the end of time or until one or the other of you dies so he can be free.

If he's hanging around after the threat to tell is taken off the table and he knows it will never happen, then you'll know he's with you because he wants to be with you.,

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 3:49 PM, May 31st (Friday)]

BaldwinBeauty59 posted 5/31/2013 16:30 PM

So what you are saying is that you caught your H having an A with a coworker and he is only staying in your M to protect his job and to protect his AP? Why would you want someone that doesn't want to be with you? Her BH has a right to know about the A. Your WH took a risk that her BH would kick his ass if they got caught. It was worth it to him so let him suffer the consequences of his actions. I hope you come to realize that you deserve a H that wants and loves only you. It is time to let the one you've got loose.

It is highly likely that they have taken the A underground as they didn't want to end it on their own, you forced them. I bet they have found a way to get around you. If he wants out of the M, please let him go. Love yourself enough to know that you deserve better.

undonelife posted 6/2/2013 17:26 PM

I guess I didn't explain well enough. I did say I would tell his boss but he brought it up in MC and tried to use it as a reason against me, to prove I was this horrible person that he was married to, so I took it off the table about 4 weeks post D-day. He was nasty for those 6 weeks following D-day at MC, he was angry, non repentant, etc. So I took away all the threat and told him to do what he wanted. He ended up telling his boss himself a couple weeks after that, I guess out of guilt? Things went down hill during MC and I finally cancelled all the appointments after I took the threat of telling his boss off the table. I was sick of it by then and saw that he wasn't going to be remorseful. He stated to me in MC that he didn't want anymore time with me to work on things. I was crushed even more and decided I needed to let him go. He filed for divorce a few weeks after our last MC session. he was waiting around for me to do it but I wanted him to make the decision to bury our marriage once and for all on his own. I wasnt having any part of it. I went to see a lawyer to protect myself, and borrowed money from my father to pay for the lawyer. About the same time I found SI and learned about the 180 and also read "Tough Love" by James Dobson. I decided to go into 180 mode and started making plans for myself and my 2 kids. We got out and visited, developed new friends with single moms with kids their age. I got more involved in small groups at church. I went on about my life. It hurt like hell but I was bound to go on without him. It worked for me. I was getting stronger and felt more like I could make life happy without his crap. I was looking for new place to live and increased my hours at work to full time. About 5 weeks after he filed for D he changed his mind and decided he wanted to work on the marriage. I made him take care of all of the cancellation of the divorce. I stood on the sidelines and watched. I was watching to see that he would really do what he said. He said he would do whatever I wanted. He cut his hours at work down greatly(he had an affair with a co-worker). He told his co-workers who didnt already know about the affair and asked them to help him remain accountable (I didn't ask him to do that, that was his idea). He gave me his passwords to everything, he agreed to have 2 accountability partners at church and to go to IC on his own. I wasn't about to go to MC until he got his shit in order. He has been been here, he's done whatever I asked of him. He's planned date nights every weekend for us. I wont do it. He's has started helping around the house a lot with laundry, cooking and the kids. He likes cooking together. He will answer whatever questions I have about the affair (I can only hope he's being truthful there!) I don't believe he took his A underground cause he is home all the time with me and the kids now, I have contacted a couple people he works with to see that he is acting like a married man at work, he's okay with them keeping tabs on him. I set boundaries and he seems to be respecting them. Of course it will be a long time before I really believe his actions completely--its a fall out from the A and the mistrust I feel. We started MC again with a new counselor last week and next weekend we are attending a marriage restored retreat. it all appears he is doing what he needs to do to reconcile. Looking back now I'm glad I didn't tell his boss but wish I had contacted OW husband. I still have a nagging feeling that I should tell him, but don't know my motivation for it other than I'd like him to know what kind of wife he has. I wish someone had told me. At this point I don't think he would have brought a gun, but at the time of discovery I really didn't know for sure. He's an avid hunter and the OW was telling my WH that he beat her up so I really didn't know what kind of man I would be dealing with. I finally asked WH if he ever saw any bruises of cuts or injuries on OW since he obviously had seen her naked enough times. He said "no" and he finally realized that she was feeding him a load of crap. So, with the information I have now I really don't think her BH would have come with a gun. He might have come and caused a scene at WH's work, maybe tried to pick a fight with him, but I wouldn't have cared if that happened. I do wonder if I told him if it wouldn't piss her off so much that she would file sexual harassment against him at work with her little private world being blown up. So....why do I have this nagging feeling to tell OW's BS now? And, should I?

NoraLee posted 6/2/2013 17:32 PM

Now that you're no longer in crisis/survival mode, you can look at the loose ends...yes you should tell OWBS. He has a right to make decisions based on the truth.

Jospehine85 posted 6/2/2013 19:02 PM

I would think a sexual harassment claim would have less sticking power if it came AFTER the A is outed to her BS.

If she claimed it now, before her BS knows, then it might have traction. But after she gets caught in an affair by her BS? No one is going to believe it.

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