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apparently WH is seeking male sex????

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hurtyetstrong posted 5/31/2013 16:13 PM

looked through WH's email today - he responded to a craigslist MFM ad.

I am (unfortunately) not new to this site, but this is a completely new revelation. I am in so much shock. I was considering reconciliation (hadn't yet confronted him) but this is truly a dealbreaker.

Why can't I just realize there is no fixing him - he is sick, sick, sick!!!

TrustGone posted 5/31/2013 16:17 PM

Oh no!! Hopefully you have been STD tested. If not do that first thing. The shit they do just never ceases to amaze me. I am so sorry...

DoneWithMarriage posted 5/31/2013 16:32 PM

My XH did the exact same thing. I got a hold of his laptop one afternoon and checked his browser history and emails. FILLED with links to guy on guy porn sites, transvestite sites..emails with other women AND men. This from a guy who claims to be such a Christian and live a "holy" life. Ha!

Exit Wounds posted 5/31/2013 16:34 PM

Damn!
I am so sorry! I have zero advice but wanted to share hugs (((((hurt)))))

Reality posted 5/31/2013 16:54 PM

I'm so sorry, hurt. That kind of layered issue is pretty definitively unfixable.

My first husband was...omnivorous. From your tag, it looks like this is not the first PA. Once sex becomes that voracious and all encompassing of a fixation, it takes an enormous amount of work to re-emerge from that tar pit.

Work you can't do for him, like you said. Time to find a clean spot and establish safe distance, Hurt. We're all with you. <3.

NeverAgain2013 posted 6/1/2013 12:07 PM

Ugh. Always a joy to find out your husband/SO is a sexual deviant. I discovered that about mine as well (I've since dumped his sorry ass).

It's probably meaningless at this point, but just so you know, "MFM" doesn't sex with a male. It simply means both men interact with the woman but they don't interact with each other. I guess some guys get off on using a woman as a f*ck doll.

Now, a "MMF" would mean a threesome where there IS interaction between the men. So in all fairness (and I know at this point it probably doesn't mean much), the placement of the letters IS significant. For what that's worth, anyway.

So, your husband was looking for a situation where he and another guy were both going to 'tag team' some woman but not have any interaction themselves.

Gee, I'm sure THAT makes you feel much better.

You know, I honestly have to say that once they become deviants and get a taste of an alternate lifestyle (orgies, threesomes and foursomes, etc. etc. etc.,) it's almost like they've opened a Pandora's Box and there's no closing it again.

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt AND the commemorative plate. Puke.

confused615 posted 6/1/2013 13:41 PM

Around here,on the local craigslist,MFM means "man for man." There is NO female involved.

WH was on craigslist...he posted in the MFM section 99% of the time(according to all evidence I found in his secret email account). He was looking for a man.

Since dday,nearly 3 years ago,I have spent alot of time on craigslist,looking through the casual encounter section..in the beginning it was because I was looking for my WH..and looking to see wth this section on craigslist was all about(I'd never noticed it before dday). Now,I check every once in awhile...yes...looking for my WH.

I have looked through more MFM ads than a person should ever have too...it's a wonder Im not blind. Anyway,the entire section is men looking for men...

The MfMW is a section for men looking for an encounter with a man and a woman.

doesitgetbetter posted 6/1/2013 16:49 PM

Woah, not much support in this thread at all.

Listen, there is a possibility that even though he was responding to ads for MFM that he was not actually DOING anything with men. My H also responded to a few ads for M4M (not to be confused with any threesome stuff that was posted earlier). I read the entire email threads between him and a few guys. None of them ever met in person, and I know that based on the ending of the email threads with these people. I wouldn't believe my H if his tongue came notarized on this because he was hooking up with women all over the place.

Anyway, my H was sexually abused as a young teen by a male babysitter. My H was cheating on me out of a deep sense of self hatred and a desire to relive that trauma because he didn't know how to deal with it (and hadn't dealt with it from a young age). This was his way to punish himself, to do what he thought he deserved, as this was how he was treated when he was young. So he sought men on CL as another way to self punish.

After years of IC, MC, weekend retreats, books, etc. etc., he no longer feels like he is worthless as a human being and deserves to be treated like that by anyone, but especially not by himself.

My point is, there might be deep seated reasons that are legitimate, there might not have been any male contact, and if you were exploring R before, I would recommend at least getting to the bottom of this (if you feel you can or want to) before automatically tossing in the towel.

I know I'm not the only one who has had to deal with this on here, and there are many where the WS actually did have homosexual PA's as well. Your dealbreakers are your own, and if it is that for you then that is fine. I just wanted to shed some light due to the fact that you said you were considering R before.

Maat1021 posted 6/2/2013 01:21 AM

I've also made this discovery about my stbxh (4/12). I went through his email and found he had been soliciting blow jobs from men on craigslist. This was already after an EA in 2009 with a co-worker that he still claims was not an EA and sexting/picture swapping with another co-worker in 2010. I immediately felt we would not survive but stifled by the fear of divorce I stayed in limbo to allow myself time to process and act with care as this really had me on the verge of a breakdown. 4 months later he did it again because he was angry with me but did not confess until 8 months after (4/13). April is not my month :(. 2009&2010 were not dealbreakers for me, soliciting men on craigslist IS. I have no clue who I've spent the last 10 years with, I don't know him at all. At the end of June,my children and I will be moving to my mom's house so I can piece my life back together. I've been a SAHM but luckily I just completed my degree so hopefully there's a job with my name on it very soon. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone. Please get tested for STD's, he gave me herpes :'(

[This message edited by Maat1021 at 1:23 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)]

MoreThanMe posted 6/2/2013 19:48 PM

I'm so sorry. For about two hours I thought the same- it was awful. Even more horrifying than my SA WH - stranger sex. It turned out not to be true- but thank goodness I didn't have that.
FWIW- my sober SA husband says he would have kept going and going- more outrageous, more deviant- etc. it's the addiction- doesn't excuse it-AT ALL. He can recover- though that's NOT YOUR problem & not a reason to stay.

[This message edited by MoreThanMe at 4:12 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)]

ButterflyGirl posted 6/3/2013 00:12 AM

I found lots of male on male porn in STBX's browser history as well. And his naked body on some kind of sexual twitter like website where he was "following" and "being followed" by over 400 people, I would say 95% men..

There was traditional women porn too, and I only know of women that he cheated on me with in real life, but finding that on his computer was certainly a different kind of shocker..

My STBX and I were both sexually abused as children. The difference? I got counseling over the years and always tried to be honest with myself about how it might be affecting my personality, my sex life, my relationships. I knew I needed help, and I went out and found it and will probably always have times over my life when I will need take a revisit to deal with it again.

Him? Refused counseling. No want to change. No wanting to talk about it. No wanting to deal with it. I feel bad for him, yes, but I am NOT letting him use that as an excuse anymore. As adults, we all have to take responsibility for our issues and decisions and actions.

Why can't I just realize there is no fixing him - he is sick, sick, sick!!!

I would say there is no YOU fixing him. Perhaps there is a chance if HE wants to fix HIMSELF and his issues, but you can't do anything to make him want that..

Big hugs. It is a huge shock for sure..

Pudding posted 6/3/2013 13:32 PM

This was my situation with my first husband and fatehr of our sons. I found out 21 yeasr into our marriage and it had been going on our entire relationship. We tried to make it work, but he would not commit to hcanging his behavious. He was also an alcoholic (probably a like) and died whilst I was going through the divorce process.

I treid for yeasr to work on getting him over his Bi SA and honestly it was a complete waste of time. I regret every trying after I found out the truth. the amount of continued angst it put me and my wonderful sons through was simply not worth it.

They really have to want to turn around and change. If they don't then it has to be NC, 180 and the rest.

Athena1979 posted 6/3/2013 18:51 PM

Wow! Is it normal to know all these terms?

Same thing happened with my WH. I have been finding pictures and websites with him soliciting. Lot of stuff on Craigslist. I've thought about posting an ad of my own and catching him on it. But...what's the point. I already know more than I want to.

Sometimes I think it would have been harder to catch the spouse in one affair with someone from work. Because than, there is emotion attached to it.

With Craigslist, escorts, prostitutes, whores, strippers, porn websites, etc., it's all just a service. He might as well be going to the gas station and filling his tank with gas.

I wish I could unthink some of the words "how much?" "$125""ok. Be there is 10 minutes. Have to use the bathroom. Unless I can do that on you?" "get your strap on on so you can f** me!"

Be strong. "Know where you stand or you will fall for anything. " I like that quote. Can't remember where I heard it...

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