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didiknow posted 5/31/2013 16:24 PM

This is my first post. I was actually directed here by the mother of my WS.

D-day was 5-25-13, just 6 days ago. A week before D-day WS got home from a 2 month deployment. 2 days before D-day WS tells me that she almost called from overseas to tell me not to buy the house.

WS thinks we are good friends but nothing else, WS loves me but is not in love with me, i don't make her feel wanted. WS says there is a lack of intimacy(WS has been rejecting my attempts at intimacy and sex for months)WS says that we will probably end up Divorced anyway and doesn't want to hate each other when it happens.

I've heard most of it before and always worked my ass off on the marriage. I thought I could fix everything. I could change and do better.
On D-day we were moving in and I was telling my best friend about my suspicions of my wife and her squad leader on her 2 month deployment that she just got back from.

He dropped a bombshell that WS had actually cheated on me a year ago on a one month deployment and that I should do some digging. I called mutual friends and they confirmed both the fling last year and the recent A.

I confronted WS that night and she wouldn't confirm but said she was sorry. I asked why and for the first one it was "i was unhappy and he made me feel wanted". For the recent A, it was "it just happened".

The next day I was so angry and hurt that I called their platoon sargeant and he already suspected, lots of people did. She couldn't believe that I involved the Army. WS asked if it was over, in a haze, i said yes.
I asked WS when she was moving out. She looked stunned. WS left the next day but unpacked boxes are everywhere, all of our stuff comingled. I tried to call but she was more mad about getting caught and in trouble than the A and my broken heart and the ruined marriage.

We have been married only 2 1/2 years. I think WS gave up a long time ago.

Food and sleep have been rare in the last 6 days. I've lost 10 lbs in that time.

WS agreed to meet me tomorrow to discuss things. Her last text was "how long will this take"
I'm writing a letter to her because I'm not going to be able to think straight when I see her tomorrow.

[This message edited by didiknow at 5:04 PM, May 31st (Friday)]

Jada52 posted 5/31/2013 16:47 PM

So sorry you had to come here for the reasons you did.

"i was unhappy and she made me feel wanted". I got this same line from my husband. or "she makes me feel good about myself"

Try to take care of you. I know it is hard to eat/sleep, but you need to try. (((hugs))))

didiknow posted 5/31/2013 17:06 PM

it just sucks that these people don't realize that they are putting themselves in this position by seeking the attention of the opposite sex,

or maybe they think they can handle without anything happening, how stupid

Stillkicking posted 5/31/2013 17:10 PM

I am sorry you find yourself here my friend, but you have found an amazing community of people here who have all experienced this in one form or another.
It is very important that you try and take care of yourself right now, eat what you can, sleep when you can and make sure you stay hydrated.

In the yellow box on the left there is a tab called the healing library, you need to visit it as there is a lot of valuable information there. Also in the forums list go to I can relate, there is a forum there for betrayed men with some very wise men in there and another forum for military affairs.
Good luck brother and stay strong! You will survive and come out stronger

redrock posted 5/31/2013 19:51 PM

She couldn't believe that I involved the Army.

SHE involved the army when she chose to have an A with some one in her direct chain of command. JEEZ. What a couple of unprofessional idiots. They both deserve loss of rank and pay.

I commend you for turning her it.

she was more mad about getting caught and in trouble than the A and my broken heart and the ruined marriage.

When she shows you who she is believe her. She is worried about herself.

We have been married only 2 1/2 years. I think WS gave up a long time ago.

2 years, 2 affairs. Not a great candidate for a life partner. You deserve better.

Her last text was "how long will this take"

What an asshole! Hey she needs to get out there and find all those special someones who make her feel wanted or just "happen' upon her. She is going to run out of warm bodies soon if she keeps fishing in the unit pond.

Try to look at this meeting like business. You have to untangle yourselves. Be brief, cover what needs to be covered and hit the road.

She will try to blameshift to you. The phrase "I am sorry you feel that way" comes in real handy in these situations.

She is still in the A mindset. She may come out or not, but opening yourself up to her when she is like this will not be a fruitful exercise at this point.

Welcome to SI.

movingforward13 posted 5/31/2013 21:44 PM

Fuck that b!tch. I am so sorry she is putting you through this.... Don't worry, a person like her will never be happy, so after you have healed, you can watch her life blow up in her face.

didiknow posted 6/1/2013 09:22 AM

What is the 180 that I keep reading about

shiloe posted 6/1/2013 10:09 AM

What MovingForward said: Fuck that Bit@h. Be glad it was only 2 yrs. Get out while the getting is good.

Sorry to be so blunt, but us old timers who know what we know now, would leave the cheater before more years and kids are involved.

Oh . . .and it's not your fault, any of it, be prepared to be demonized.

MystiKay posted 6/1/2013 10:58 AM

The 180 is in the healing library. It is a process to help you detatch and take care of you.

In short simple terms. Take care of you and do for you. If she calls needing you to fix a flat for her or anything like that. Don't do it. Do your laundry don't do hers.

Don't concern yourself with what she does. Don't ask and try your best not to care.

CallMeRed1 posted 6/1/2013 11:38 AM

I'm so sorry you find yourself here.

It hurts a lot, but you know this isn't the first time, and so soon.

At the risk of sounding harsh, I think you'd be wise to move on without her.

Thinking of you.

didiknow posted 6/1/2013 12:18 PM

I got like 7 hours of sleep last night, I feel so much better, and I'm hungry as hell.

thrivingnow posted 6/1/2013 13:53 PM

I'm glad you decided to come here.

Your WS needs to see strength today when you meet. She needs to see love and compassion too. She is still in the fog and I think if you grovel to get her to come back it will continue.

Strength my friend. And one way of showing strength is the 180. Read it in the yellow box on the left.

You may want her back but she needs to "see you" moving on.

I'm so sorry.

HeavyE posted 6/1/2013 15:34 PM

Welcome brother. Sorry you have found us but glad you did. You are not alone.

Have you spoken with an attorney? You have rights and you need to know how to protect yourself. Even if you don't file there is strength and peace of mind in doing so.

This is a roller coaster. It will take quite some time to get over this. Whether you divorce or reconcile, there are no short cuts. You will survive this and you will be all right.

It is too early to know whether or not your marriage will survive. For many infidelity is a deal breaker. Some may try to reconcile but in the end they find divorce is the solution. Others do reconcile and are happy in their marriage.

I am glad you asked about the 180. It is a very powerful tool for yourself.

Eat. Sleep. Exercise. Drink plenty of water. Find something that can take your mind off of things like a hobby.

Skan posted 6/1/2013 19:23 PM

A link to the 180: 180:

A link to "If you love them, divorce them"

I'm hoping for the best for you today. Your WW is a true piece of work ... and there is no way in hell that I mean that in a good way.

Heavy Sigh posted 6/1/2013 20:20 PM

She's cheated each year of your entire marriage, which means she has an entirely different value system from your own or has issues that make it unlikely she will change in the near future without devoting herself to those issues with a desire to change.

Her lack of commitment and empathy would be a terrible burden and trauma if directed to a child, and so you do not wish to have this woman with her current mindset and these issues to one day become the mother of your child, and get bored with the child in a year or two, as well. She does not seem to wish to overhaul her entire outlook on life and value system, so right now, she does not look as if she's a good candidate for wife or parenthood.

I rather disagree with how some define the best use of the 180. It should be acknowledgement that you can't change who SHE is or control her. You can only become the best person you can be, in terms of character and fixing one's own issues, because regardless of how it turns out, in the end we're all alone in our bodies and we need to feel as if we're good people with good values and we've lived those.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 8:21 PM, June 1st (Saturday)]

didiknow posted 6/2/2013 01:09 AM

We met today, ww refused to talk about the affair until after the army has done its investigation. She is getting an apartment and coming for her stuff next weekend.

All I really got her to say was that she had decided to leave me when she got home, if I hadn't gotten the new house and that she was pretty much done.

I asked why and got the typical response, I don't know.
I said, you have to know, you just decided it while overseas. You confided in the OP, why can't you confide in me.

Her response, "when I talk to you, I feel like you're my parent and I'm a child"
No wonder we have had communication issues.

I fear this one may be over and there's nothing I can do about it.

Long Gone posted 6/2/2013 01:40 AM

and you know 3 years you are going to look back and say "thank GOD!"....

She is about as mature as a rake handle....

Move on.....I promise you that life int he future will be better...far better than it would be with her...she checked out a long time ago...

stronger08 posted 6/2/2013 04:29 AM

The best advice I can give you is to let her go. She is throwing every bullshit, cliché excuses at you. Its apparent she is not ready to face her demons. I've been a member here for a very long time. And from my experience the one sure fire thing to snap a WS back into reality is a good dose of consequences. Yes my friend consequences. You may think she has you by the short hairs right now. And from an emotional standpoint, she does. But the reality of this is that you pretty much hold all the cards. I sure do know it does not feel like it now. But lets really take a hard look at what she is facing. Her command already is on to her. So she is going to have deal with that. She is running so fast away from the only stable thing she has. That's you and her M. She is going to find that her lover is not who he says he is. Because as we all know cheaters lie to each other. Chances are once she is available to him fulltime he will bail quickly. Most OM go after M women because they are a source of no stings attached sex. They fill your WW head with promises of love and lies of what a great pair they make etc. But in most cases he is looking to get laid and that's about it. So I don't think he will be around too much longer.

Now your WW on the other hand believes what he is telling her. He is validating her. He is giving her what she actually tells him she wants. She already has told him of what she dislikes about you and he will act the opposite. She has told him what her favorite things in life are. And guess what ? Those are his favorites too. So she is eating up this bullshit he is feeding her. Naturally she thinks he is the best thing to come along since sliced bread. But its all a lie, a smoke screen. Once she gets a dose of reality she is going to find that OM is not so great after all. This could take a few weeks, months or even a year or so. But trust me its going to happen. Affair partners lie so much to each other it sometimes takes a bit to sort through what is fact and what is fiction. And around 90% of what they tell one another is fiction.

Now during this time you can either sit there being a fool waiting for her to come to her senses. Live in total misery feeling sorry for yourself. Or you can use this time to heal yourself from this wound. I suggest you use the time to get yourself to a better place. Go NC and do a 180 on her ass. Show her that she is not breaking you. Move on from the horror that she really is. Look, this is going to hurt in the beginning. But if you stop feeling sorry for yourself, man up and take a stand the time for healing is that much quicker. Show her cheating ass the door. Let her go live her fantasy life. Because in a very short time you will be in a much better place and she will find herself out in the cold. She will find herself alone and confused. She may even try to worm her way back into your life. If you want her back you better make sure she does the hard work to earn her way back in. Not through words, but through actions. Don't just swing the door open and let her in. Make her live in the reality she created for a bit. If you do not want her back in that's your choice. And there is nothing written in stone that says you have to.

So you see you really do hold the cards here. You have a chance to rebuild your life while she is busy destroying her own. In a shot time you will be back on top while she crawls in the gutter of life. And given that in a very short M she has had multiple affairs chances are your better off without her. Take this time to work on YOU. You can not change her. You can not win her back. The more you try the more power she takes away from you. You can not nice her back into the M. She must be cut loose to experience the mess that she created. And in that time if you decide that your better off without her and D. Well tough shit on her. There are women out there of substance. Women that will love and honor you. Don't settle for damaged goods. Good luck and welcome my brother.

Happydays posted 6/2/2013 06:38 AM

@didiknow. Welcome.
Read and re-read @stronger08's post.

Let her do what she wants and in the mean time heal yourself.
Eat , stay hydrated and keep yourself busy.

Best of luck.

didiknow posted 6/2/2013 07:52 AM

Thank you all so much, this site has been a source of great information and comfort.

It's time for the 180 and NC with WW.

It's time to unpack all my stuff and get on with my life.

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