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Need to get over the fear of divorce...

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hurtyetstrong posted 5/31/2013 16:47 PM

cause I can't live like this anymore. If you've seen my recent posts you'll know I was trying to determine how to confront him.

Today I find an email response to a craigslist ad for male sex.

I am beyond done. I need to get over my fear of being poor, not being able to stay home with my kids, possibly being a single mom forever, the 'shame' of a failed marriage, etc. Seriously. I think at this point my spiritual and emotional well-being is more important than any of that. I can't raise my girls within the confines of this sham of a marriage.

I need some 2x4's because honestly divorcing him has been way overdue. I seriously need to grow a pair.

SBB posted 5/31/2013 17:12 PM

As hard as this journey has been none of it was anywhere near as bad as being in a toxic M. None of it.

I hate missing out on my girls due to 50/50 but I make the best of it. They have my full, undivided attention. I do all of my housework, socialising, crying on the floor when the girls aren't here. When they are here I'm full to the brim and beaming. Present, engaged, loving, happy. I wasn't any of these during the toxic M.

((hurtyetstrong)) The fear itself is often worse than that which you fear.

hurtyetstrong posted 5/31/2013 17:29 PM

The fear itself is often worse than that which you fear.

So true, my friend, so true.

Jada52 posted 5/31/2013 17:41 PM

I feel the same fear over divorce. My first husband died and I just cannot fathom this divorce. How do you come to grips with it? I know it happens every day, but never thought I would be facing it.

Reality posted 5/31/2013 17:49 PM

The "divorce stigma" still haunts society, but is as outmoded and lame as 50's style femininity.

Don't be scared of it, Hurt. Those who would judge you or choose to classify you by it are just as antiquated. Marriage isn't about suffering along with your spouse; it's about two people building something together and being balanced in their life goals and growth.

If one of the people chooses to functionally not be married anymore, then there isn't really isn't anything to save or rebuild. Commitment takes everyone to be on board.

At that point, it's just being honest about what's up.

I was scared, too, at first, mostly for what I thought it would mean for me and my kids. The process does take time, but the feeling that swelled in me, listening to that judge tell me it was over, that I wasn't bound to my ex anymore had me floating for weeks. Determining your fate, your life, and not having to deal with someone who, well, doesn't want the same things as you is enormously liberating and worth going through the process to get to.

Housefulloflove posted 5/31/2013 18:38 PM

I'm right there with you hurtyetstrong. It is so scary!

But living life tied to a deceitful person who cares nothing about my well-being sounds MUCH scarier.

hurtyetstrong posted 5/31/2013 21:04 PM

I'm right there with you hurtyetstrong. It is so scary!
But living life tied to a deceitful person who cares nothing about my well-being sounds MUCH scarier.

It just seems so daunting after being out of the workforce for 2.5 years and now with two little ones in tow. But it has to be better than this. it just HAS to be...

Nature_Girl posted 5/31/2013 22:25 PM

I've been out of the workforce since 1999. You don't know scary! LOL I'm getting divorced anyway. I'm financially ruined & desperate. I'm getting divorced anyway.

I need to get away from my abusive, cheating, lying husband. Being with him, living a total lie with him, was killing me. I've risked everything on the hope that destitute freedom is worth more than death by marriage.

No, I won't get to be a SAHM any longer. No, my kids won't be homeschooled anymore (they hate public school, it's so boring for them). But yes, oh yes, the delicious freedom of not walking on eggshells every single day! Not getting yelled at every day! Not knowing my husband is cheating on me again. Not living a lie. That's worth everything.

So far I've been very honest about why I'm getting divorced. Honestly, no one has judged me. The support I've received has made me wonder why I waited so long! LOL

Ashland13 posted 6/1/2013 18:55 PM

That's what I felt too. And I still feel like DD and I have this stigma now, or aura of failure about us by being so rejected and replaced.

I hear all the psychology and "it's not you" talk and sometimes can fathom it.

FWIW, people who hear that I finally filed the papers are starting to come quietly and slowly forward and say they are "Sorry and Proud" of me. Even inlaws have said it shouldn't have gone down the way it did and showed support, but esp. my family friends and even parents of school friends of DD have patted me on the back. Some have offered tremendous support in their own time of illness or hurt.

So for Hurt, you sound soo much like me. I'm still afraid, but chugging along the road to D even as we type. It's one of the scariest things I've ever done and nothing known or concrete is on the other side.

Now Perv tells me one thing and his lawyer tells me another, but I hold a few things near and dear to my heart and I hope they will help you:

-I Did it! I didn't roll over and let that man do it too me, even though I fought so hard and wanted M. I did it.

-I didn't let him walk on me and it will go down in history with me as "Plaintiff" and not him.

-I didn't sit and wait any longer but took control over what I could.

I feel a tiny bit of self respect coming back and other things are happening. People are seeing me as a person and not part of a couple and overshadowed by him. People are getting to know me and it's pretty amazing.

It's lonely as hell and all the strength and money I can find, but I did it. I faced it and am not a "mrs" anymore, but maybe there's more to life than being married to a dirty, foul man?

When I am stronger, I am starting to wonder what's out in the world that I've been missing. I want to live, I want to travel, I want to breath. I want to get off this mountain and be part of this world.

One thing that moved me like a mountain was allowing myself to wonder what it would really be like.

And I had to learn for myself that it was a dead marriage if Perv was not even here and ...all the awful stuff he's been doing.

Your WH, Hurt, is already living his own life if he's off on craigslist, as Perv was, but not telling us.

I had to also learn that I wasn't being fair to me, my own self and I was actually allowing the behavior. Uggh.

Believe it or not, there are people on "the other side" and one thing I do is play a game-I spend time recalling anything I can think of that I knew or was in my life before that man. It was 20 years ago, but the very first thing that came to me was, the sun.

And I am going back to some of those enjoyments or looked up old friends and finding new activities that have nothing to do with the memories or person.

I'm sorry to write so long and wish you well, for those are my shoes, too. I feel fear and grief every day and every night, but somehow am still living. I am searching always for things that matter and realize that only a few things and one person in my life changed, but now, at long last, I can take back some control over my very own life and live for me.

I hope the same for you, as well as peace and clarity in the days to come.

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