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outing the OM: should I do it, or BH?

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20WrongsVs1 posted 5/31/2013 16:58 PM

I posted this in another "Telling the Other BS" thread, and it was suggested I start a new one with this specific question.

We are about to inform the OBS(es). Can y'all please weigh in with advice?
Is it kinder to the OBS if the messenger is my BH, or me? BH says I should contact the OBS and apologize, but in another recent thread (different circumstances) many BSs said they wouldn't want to hear from the [insert well-earned invective here] OWS.

Background/details, if you like. OM #1 ended the A in March b/c he was (supposedly) discovered. So, we have no idea if she truly knows--and the fact that he's still trolling AM supports that.

Unless OM #2 has confessed in the last two weeks, I assume his W doesn't know.

This totally sucks, but I have to admit it's the right thing to do.

Edited to remove details which may identify me to the OBS, in case she stumbles upon this site.

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 2:42 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]

Want2help posted 5/31/2013 17:20 PM

Personally, I would want to hear it from the BS, NOT the AP. To me, that would just feel like the AP was rubbing it in.

That being said, my opinion is HEAVILY influenced by the fact that OW /was/is not remorseful in anyway, and 6 years out still rubs the A in my face.

As far as Facebook, profiles now have an "other" file for messages. Messages from non-friends that you have not previously had contact with are automatically filtered into this folder (much like a "spam" folder). this folder is not accessible on Facebook mobile, and barely noticeable on the full Facebook site.

It is likely the message went into the "Other" folder and was never seen.

h0peless posted 5/31/2013 17:36 PM

As much as it sucks for your BH, I would want to hear it from the BS. I don't hold my ex's New Dad in very high regard. He was single but if he hadn't been, I wouldn't hold any animosity towards his wife or girlfriend. I also wouldn't want an apology from him.

I do think the BW of the AP needs to know, especially since he is still logging onto AM.

atsenaotie posted 5/31/2013 17:49 PM

BH, I would not have wanted any contact with any of her OM at that stage.

meplusfour posted 5/31/2013 18:03 PM

I would prefer to hear it from the BH. Partially, it would be unnecessarily painful to hear from the OW and I would wonder about the motives of the OW, despite the remorse expressed in your email. Secondly, your BH is in a similiar situation and can express sympathy and understanding for her position. Later, once she has had time to process the information and your BH can let her know that you would like to apologize personally and are willing to answer questions that she may have.

Sharpie4 posted 5/31/2013 18:14 PM

BS, Absolutely. I would include "proof" as an attachment to an email if that is how this to be delivered. I would NOT include all those details about your marriage. I would include a short statement that you not separating or are trying to work through it, only because it might reassure the OBS that WS is no longer a threat to their marriage.

AdamsApple posted 5/31/2013 18:33 PM

As the BH in this situation, I would like to cover the reasons why I think it should be my WW that should make the contact and not me.

1) I personally would like to get an apology from the APs.

2) The apology has to come from WS. I can't do that for her.

3) I want the "outing" to come from WW to help insure that the AP never wants to chance contacting WW again. I want him to blame her.

4) WW caused the issue. It's her job to fix it.

5) I want the feeling of WW betraying her APs for me, since she betryed me for them.

6) i believe retaliation from the AP is less likely if it comes from WW rather than me.

SisterMilkshake posted 5/31/2013 19:18 PM

I understand your points, Adam, but do you also feel that the OBS needs to be cruelly inflicted upon by your WW to satisfy your needs? From my perspective it would be cruel (oh, btw, the OW did tell me all about it, and made sure to make it hurt) for your WW to tell the BS. There is no kind, gentle way for an AP to tell the BS, it is horrible.

eta: Your WW needs to do a follow up of the outing with a NC letter from her to the AP. Approved of by you.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 7:20 PM, May 31st (Friday)]

alphakitte posted 5/31/2013 19:33 PM

Adam, the predominant feeling amongst most BS's, especially women, is tht we don't want to hear one word from your WaywardWife!!! Ever.

You may want your WW to suffer humiliation and you may want the AP to hate her, but doing it the way you describe isn't assuredto accomplish that. Based on what you and your WW have posted I wouldn't trust either of your motivations.

20WrongsVs1 posted 5/31/2013 19:46 PM

Based on what you and your WW have posted I wouldn't trust either of your motivations

Instead of casting aspersions, how about an example or explanation of what you mean by that?

20WrongsVs1 posted 5/31/2013 20:36 PM

There is no kind, gentle way for an AP to tell the BS, it is horrible.

Thanks SisterM, is there ever a kind, gentle way? No matter who the messenger is.

h0peless posted 5/31/2013 20:41 PM

Thanks SisterM, is there ever a kind, gentle way? No matter who the messenger is.

I think it would be easier to take the news coming from somebody who is hurting just as much as you are and has just as much incentive to see the affair end as you do. Frankly, the only thing I want from the guy(s) who fucked my ex wife is for him (them) to be run over by a dump truck. I don't trust his (their) truth any more than I trust that the sky is green.

ETA: Of course I had to add the plural. It's easy for me to focus on the New Dad and not the ONS's or the online EAs.

[This message edited by h0peless at 8:53 PM, May 31st (Friday)]

alphakitte posted 5/31/2013 20:49 PM

. . .is there ever a kind, gentle way? No matter who the messenger is.

Perhaps, kind and gentle wouldn't describe how a BS comes to learn about their WS, however you've asked for advice and many have weighed in on their preference and the majority prefer to learn about it from someone other than the WS's affair partner.

[This message edited by alphakitte at 8:50 PM, May 31st (Friday)]

Dark Inertia posted 5/31/2013 20:55 PM

I think, personally, I would want to hear it from the BS, but I think the letter you wrote is very eloquent. Whether it comes from you or your husband it is going to suck either way. Do what you feel is the best for your situation.

SisterMilkshake posted 5/31/2013 20:57 PM

Yes, there are kind and gentle ways to tell the BS. With a lot of compassion and empathy. But, coming from an AP no matter how sincerely sorry you are, it just isn't going to sit well with a BS. It is much easier to hear it from a fellow BS than the perpetrator.

You sound like you really want to do this, 20Wrongs. And, your message is a good one, it does sound sincere. You have to believe me, though, when I say this will unduly pain the BS even more to hear it from you. Why do you want to be the one to deliver the news? (asked sincerely, not snarky)

Want2help posted 5/31/2013 21:01 PM

When I was told about the A, I even caught my FWH with the OW, he tried to lie his ass off and say he wasn't having an affair.

Now, I had been told about the A from a concerned, sympathetic co-worker/friend who had no reason to lie to me, so I believed her, not him.

Had OW told me? I probably would have heard "She's lying! She wanted me, and I turned her down!" and I probably would have bought it, because I so badly wanted to believe my husband.

Personally, I think a BS is more likely to hurt someone who has no reason to lie.

I think the OBS will be more likely to believe you, the BS, if you come from a standpoint of "My wife admitted everything, and I'm telling you 1) because you deserve to know, and 2) so that I can be sure there will be no more contact between them."

If your WW outs the A, the MM could easily paint her as a spurned, jealous woman he turned down, and the BS could believe him.

alphakitte posted 5/31/2013 21:12 PM

As to aspersions, neither of your posts come across as having the WS's BS's best interest at heart. No, I'm not going to C&P your, and Adam's, posts.

TrustGone posted 5/31/2013 21:35 PM

OW told me about the LTA on DDay#1 and DDay#2. I will never forget how it made me feel coming from this homewreaker that I didn't even know existed. I would have much rather heard it from someone else, but she was single and after my WH#2, so she broke the news to me of their LTA. Do not subject another BS to that kind of torture and humilation. If you want to tell her, you tell her, but keep your WW away from her.

Deeply Scared posted 5/31/2013 22:12 PM


This is getting moved to the WS forum. Not all BS's want to read and/or reply to WS's on General.

To everyone else...please be advised this is now in the WS forum and to post accordingly.

NoraLee posted 5/31/2013 22:25 PM

As a BS - I'd rather learn of the A from the other BS. He would understand my reaction - my pain - my shock- my dismay. To learn of the devastation at the hands of the person who caused it would be horrific in my mind. Isn't it enough that OW colluded to destroy a family, they get to deliver the news too? To hear my pain, my tears, OMG - I think I actually mewled when H confessed. To have OW hear my heart wrenching pain - it was be as though my soul was laid bare for OW to witness....
Ugh...please tell the OBS yourself. Should she want to contact your WW herself to ask questions later - on her timetable - when she is in control - then your WW could be available to do that...

[This message edited by NoraLee at 10:26 PM, May 31st (Friday)]

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