"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Kristy1515 posted 5/31/2013 20:20 PM

My newlywed husband decided to clear his conscience two weeks after our wedding - that he had cheated on me with my sister-in-law (a one-off), some random, and regularly his best friend's wife. I'm 30 years old, successful, have owned my own home since I was 22, but my heart can't walk away from this. Of course he promises me the moon, but can people really change?

wifehad5 posted 5/31/2013 20:49 PM

Hi and welcome Kristy. Sorry for the reason you're here, but glad you found us

If you haven't already, check out the Healing Library. The link is in the yellow box up on the left. There is some great information in there

People can change, but they have to work at it. Promises are great, but they don't amount to much without action. What has he done to change since telling you?

How is his best friend taking the news?

Kristy1515 posted 5/31/2013 20:58 PM

He hasn't told him. I wrote a rather threatening email to his wife warning her to stay away but she hasn't told him. He is trying to change, and says all the right things, but I am still feeling taken advantage of and I'm extra sensitive about assumptions, that things just can go back to normal, I continue to do everything for everyone except for myself, including his daughter. It's exhausting.

atsenaotie posted 5/31/2013 22:14 PM

Hi Kristy,

I am so sorry for you and your situation, but SI is the best place to be if you need to be somewhere like this.

There are no effective quick fixes after discovering infidelity. This may be a time to start paring down your "to-do for others" list to a more manageable size. You will be needing your strength and energy.

Let me be the first to say that his As were not about you, they were about him.

...can people really change?

People can and do. My FWW has changed. IT took a lot of work and over a year in IC, but she has new behaviors, new coping mechanisms, new perceptions that she can use in place of her former searching for external validation and other issues. If he is serious about getting better, then he needs to figure out his whys for the A. Why was it OK for him to have sex with these women when he was engaged to you? Why was it ok for him to have sex with his BF's wife? What is he going to do to change who he is so that he is (much) less likely to do this again?

The Healing Library does have good information. The books Not Just Friends by Glass and Sexual Detours by Hines are two that we found helpful too.

I presume you sister-in-law other woman (OW) is M (otherwise it would be his sister?), and his BF’s W who was an OW is M. You should give some thought to telling these betrayed spouses (BS) about the As. They have a right and a need to know, and it will help to prevent reconnection between your WH and these women.

It is good you say he is trying to change, but until he understands what made it OK for him to betray you and his BF, how does he know what to change? Reading the books I recommended above and discussing them with you may be a start. Many WS find individual counseling helpful to figure out why they are like they are.

Best Wishes,

Ats

HeartInADustpan posted 5/31/2013 22:20 PM

I'm so sorry for your situation, Kristy. I can't even imagine the pain and shock. Just know you've found a wealth of information and a great group of people here. Please take care of yourself. It's a rough road to travel.

Hang in there.

TXwifemom posted 6/1/2013 04:28 AM

I'm married thirteen years. He cheated from year ten to twelve, once with a 21 y/ o (he is 43)

We have two kids, ages two and four.

Why start life lie this? It is different with little kids.......

It is not too late to get an annulment (you got married on false pretenses)

Knowing posted 6/1/2013 07:48 AM

The other great book for WSs is "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair", by Linda MacDonald.

Bobbi_sue posted 6/1/2013 08:11 AM

It is not too late to get an annulment (you got married on false pretenses)

I agree with this.

It is true that some people can change but it is my opinion that most people don't change all that much, especially if they are the type of person who would cheat with his best friend's wife during his engagement to you, and after his M to you. Wow.

Unfortunately, it sounds like you did not really know the man you were marrying. Now you are starting to "know" him and if I were in your shoes, I'd be checking into seeing if an annulment is possible.

I think I can posted 6/1/2013 09:23 AM

He has a daughter--was he married before? Did that marriage end due to his cheating?

Did marrying you give him a big financial benefit?

How is his attitude about discussing this--defensive, angry?

[This message edited by I think I can at 9:27 AM, June 1st (Saturday)]

Random thoughts posted 6/1/2013 09:29 AM

If he truly wanted to change his behavior h would have told you before the wedding not after.

He took away your choice to marry a known cheater or not.

Not only did he cheat on you but he betrayed his best friend by having an affair with his wife (double betrayal) hanging out with this friend and sleeping with his wife.

You need to think about who you married, its one thing to sleep with a co-worker or random people but to pick your best friend spouse is just evil in my book its almost like a game to pull something over on a trusting friend.

doesitgetbetter posted 6/1/2013 16:16 PM

If it were me, I would file for annulment and start the whole dang thing over again.... that is, IF you want to give him a second chance. No reason to risk him getting half of your house or any of your money since that's one of the reasons why a lot of BS's stay (financial issues).

There's nothing wrong with annulling it and doing the work to heal things, and THEN getting married. It might also help you feel like YOU can start fresh, since it was so awesome of him to ruin your freshly made vows... hopefully he at least waited until you got back from the honeymoon?

still-living posted 6/2/2013 07:55 AM

I completely agree with DIGB.

Sleeping with a SIL, a BF's wife, and randomly sleeping with others sounds VERY evil. Although people have the ability to change, it requires hard work. I expect getting to the root of his evil and changing HIMSELF will require loads of work, more than average. It will require extreme commitment from him. You guys should be on a high right now. There should have been no cheating let along with people so close. I'm wondering does he really have a conscience or was someone threatening to out him.

mesoSTUPID posted 6/2/2013 09:23 AM

I am wondering if he gets any credit for telling her and coming clean? He was apparently trying to make things right by being transparent?

NowWhat106 posted 6/2/2013 12:14 PM

Sorry, but "making it right" would have been coming clean BEFORE letting her commit herself and her significant financial resources to him.

It's like he tricked you into marriage and now wants to clear his conscience.

What he has done reveals a significantly damaged person. It is very unlikely that he will be able to just confess and never do this again. He is already a serial offender who betrays the people who are the very closest to him.

I'm sorry but I agree with those who say annulment first. THEN you can see if he's willing to do the hard work of fixing himself and your relationship.

Tell the other betrayed spouses. They deserve to know what their spouses have done, and they need to know that he cannot be trusted around their families.

I too would ask if he is financially independent or if he benefited financially from marrying you.

I'm so sorry. This sucks so much. But you are young and successful. Think long and hard before you start your marriage and your life with a person who has shown himself to be a serial cheater. It doesn't get easier to leave with time, children and the other complications of a long life together.

Bobbi_sue posted 6/2/2013 13:43 PM

I am wondering if he gets any credit for telling her and coming clean? He was apparently trying to make things right by being transparent?

I don't equate this type of confession as necessarily being "transparent."

Every case has to be considered individually, but I would be skeptical about "giving credit" for something so awful. If he has really learned a lesson, then maybe he will have better luck in his NEXT relationship/marriage. It seems to me that he already blew this one all to heck before it even started.

Reminds me some of my XH. He may very well have cheated during our engagement, most certainly during the first years of M. He "confessed" to a couple of prostitutes early on because of his guilty conscience. Should I give him credit for his confession? I suppose I did because I stayed with him a total of 13 years and had 3 kids with him. But in retrospect, the guilty conscience was more about his newfound religion at the time, not much to do about feeling bad for betraying me. He never did "change" into a better husband, and continued to cheat throughout the M. I am skeptical about how much somebody like that really changes.

so_lost posted 6/2/2013 14:02 PM

So sorry. You're supposed to be celebrating your recent wedding not reeling in pain from his confession.

I was only married 2 years when my H cheated. He was grieving the loss of his mother and needed the escape for 8 months. I decided to stay and give him another chance immediately.

It hasn't been until recently (8 yrs later) I questioned my decision to stay:( Early on, I tried to get on with my life. We had babies. We were busy. Our kids are more independent now leaving me with more time to think.

The whole of our marriage has had to deal with his affair. I've been struggling with it off and on for 8 years. Knowing how long it takes to recover and how long I'd struggle (despite his remorsefulness and love) I'm not sure I'd stay if I had to do it over again.

People can choose not to cheat again but I think basic personality traits are hard to change ie my H still struggles with sharing his emotions which got him into trouble in the first place. And their are no guarantees in this life. He could do it again.

Go with your gut. ((Kristy1515))

BeyondBreaking posted 6/2/2013 14:46 PM

Kristy, I am so sorry that this is happening to you.

The first major warning sign to me would be that he decided to clear his conscience after your wedding. Someone who truly felt guilty, IMO, would have done so before you got married. He took a LOT of things away from you, including the right to truth before you made the decision to marry him AND the right to enjoy your wedding (as I doubt you will ever celebrate an anniversary of your marriage without thinking of this and being reminded of the devastation).

Second thing I would like to point out is that he is trying to change...but YOU were the one who sent the scathing email to his friend's wife and not him. He should have sent no contact letters to ALL of the women he cheated on you with, not left you to have to do that. Additionally, he is continuing to lie to one of his friends (I'm actually not going to use that word, because I reject the idea that someone who is a true friend would willingly sleep with that persons wife, regularly much less). I guess for me, it would be really hard to trust that he is on a newfound path of honesty and openness when you KNOW he is lying to someone else who is close to him.

People can change- but they have to do the work and make the effort. It can't be half-assed ("I said I'm sorry, and now were done."). Additionally, the person needs to WANT to change. What has he been doing in order to try to change (other than telling you nice things...because anyone can promise the moon and stars and blow a bunch of smoke)? Why has he been cheating, did he say?

oceanwaves posted 6/2/2013 15:36 PM

So_lost- I completely agree.

wifehad5 posted 6/2/2013 16:05 PM

How are you feeling today Kristy?