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Selfish behavior

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musiclovingmom posted 5/31/2013 20:45 PM

Tonight I am angry. While I was grocery shopping today, my H went to the car lot to pay his monthly car payment. There is just over a year left on the note. When he is done, he calls me and wants to meet up for lunch before we head home. He shows up in the grocery store line, asks what kind of mood I'm in and then goes into the details of an offer the dealer made him on a truck. We've talked this over several times and decided it was in our best interest to pay off the one we have before trading it in on a truck. I reminded him of that and also the hardship the extra financial obligation would be when winter comes and work slows down. He looked at me and said, 'I understand that, but I want it'. He spent the rest of the afternoon signing paperwork, insuring and registering a new truck. He was even an hour late to HIS mother's bday party. Am I wrong to be angry? Isn't this the same kind of selfish attitude that allowed him to justify sleeping with three ex girlfriends and two online women?
Gah! Just when I thought we were making some real progress.

AFrayedKnot posted 5/31/2013 20:58 PM

but I want it

Yes, yes it is the same kind of selfish attitude.


Blameitontherain posted 5/31/2013 22:51 PM

Before my WH was a wayward, he pulled this type of crap all the time. Now that I have come to SI and read a lot, it is wayward thinking, they think of there wants and needs before anything else. They don't care who or what they damage, it is all about them. It's a me me me attitude which has no place in a healthy marriage. We are working on this in mc but it is very early on. I have my doubts as to whether he can change his thought processes.

Do you have mc that can help with this? Is he in IC? You have every right to be angry. You are right, this is the same type of thinking that helped in his affairs. Does he now see the wrongness of this truck buying escapade?

musiclovingmom posted 5/31/2013 23:05 PM

We don't have a counselor at all. He works an on call job. They will pay him for 40 hours/week IF he is available 24/7. If he takes even one afternoon off and there is no work that week, we don't draw a paycheck for that week at all. In addition to counselor's fees, it could cost us over $1,000 every week he had an appointment. Since I don't work right now (day care costs would eat most of my income), we can't afford that (we have to eat). I have tried to express my concern to him, but I don't think he really understands. Just a few minutes ago he asked 'and how did it affect you?' Well gee. I responded with a long list and he said nothing. I feel like I've been punched in the gut.

betrayed5years posted 5/31/2013 23:15 PM

We are in R after a 5 year affair and a big part of the hurt is that he claims he spent little on the OW (and has told me all the stuff, supposely) BUT part of the emotional affair was they both both New fancy trucks...WS claims had nothing to do with affair BUT OW got a new truck the same color that he was hoping to find.

In R we are in the clean up of our financial mess that he has put us truck, landscaping property,....on and on and on. All selfish unaffordable crap that he was not dealing with reality on and now admits his pride was ahead of his brain.....and we are not young.

To me part of R is making decisions together with respect of the marriage/family.....I would be angry and hurt too!!

Althea posted 6/1/2013 08:07 AM

You are absolutely right that this is what I call A behavior. The selfishness is the same, his desires above all else. To me this is a really obvious example of the kind of selfishness that leads to cheating.

We are working through a less obvious form of that self centeredness. My WH has a new job that requires him to travel to the city where we used to live where he kissed another woman and a female friend of his told him it was no big deal and told him that another man had kissed her. For obvious reasons, I was upset with the idea of him seeing the friend who kept it from me that he had kissed another woman AND didn't call him on his f'd up behavior. All my WH could see was that this was someone who had been his friend for half his life, and she wasn't a 'bad person.' After a LOT of talking we worked through it and he absolutely gets it now, but I think part of the WS dilemma is that many of them are extraordinarily self centered and don't innately put themselves in their spouse's shoes.

Have you asked your WS how he would feel if you went out and did something like that without talking it over with him, or worse after he had told you it seemed like a decision that could put the family at financial risk?

Sorry your are going through this. I would be VERY upset too.

musiclovingmom posted 6/1/2013 08:58 AM

We talked for a long time last night. At one point he admitted he was selfish then said 'but not so selfish I'd make my family suffer'. When I replied, 'but you are' and listed a few specific examples of how his selfish choices to have an A made me suffer (both during and after), I think something clicked. What he does with that remains to be seen.

Rebreather posted 6/1/2013 12:53 PM

When you say you "expressed your concerns" what do you mean by that? Did you tell him, "no, absolutely not, I will not consent to the purchase of that vehicle?" You have every right to be total firm and direct. When one spouse acts selfishly, they have a tendancy to make the other partner feel controlling when in reality, they are just expressing their feelings.

I would be LIVID is my spouse did something like this, espcially after dday. Marriages are a team, a partnership. One partner cannot continually steamroll the other. I would be very worried over continued actions of this nature. I would make him return the truck, if you still can. Or, immediately sell it for the loan amount, and start fresh.

musiclovingmom posted 6/1/2013 14:44 PM

I told him that I wasn't sure we could afford a higher payment when work slows down this winter and that the plan was to pay off the current car before we traded it in. The reality is that we can afford it. It won't be an issue at all (even when work slows), I just wanted him to talk to me, to take the time to think about it before tying us in to 4 more years of payments on a high interest loan. It's like I told him. It isn't really the truck at all, it is the way he handled the situation.

authenticnow posted 6/1/2013 15:03 PM

I'm going to (gently) take a different approach here. Before I was a WS, one of the problems in our M was my BH's controlling attitudes towards money. He'd bitch about something I'd buy in Walmart (usually for the kids), and then stop at the Gap during work and buy $200 worth of clothes for himself. This was one of our major marital issues that should have been addressed and nipped in the bud early on. I was always made to feel like crap spending money and felt like I had to ask before spending any, almost like a parent/child dynamic.

My point is, this isn't necessarily wayward mentality, it might just be an issue, a personality thing, whatever.

After d-day, a BS posted to my BH that 'it's not always about the cheating!'.

My BH realized he needed to work on things in his personality to make him a better person/husband/father. So, yes, this is selfish, and we waywards are certainly the epitome of selfish during our affairs, but this might just be because he needs to become more self aware, and work on being a less selfish person. Kwim?

musiclovingmom posted 6/1/2013 19:25 PM

Authentic - I appreciate a differing view. My H and I had a lengthy discussion about his selfish choices last night. Part of my issue is that he admits selfishness was a BIG contributer to his decision to have an A. He wanted it and he didn't think I'd ever find out so he did it. That being said, his ex wife was very controlling of what he spent his money on (hundreds of thousands for her son's motocross expenses, a new car for her, nothing expensive for him). And, he is the breadwinner. He just got a raise at work and his work requires him to drive whatever crappy semi they put him in and a forklift for 12-18 hours a day. He really does deserve to drive what he wants at home. He had a truck when we first got together, but an expanding family and limited resources forced us into trading it in. Now, we have a larger revenue stream and this was as good a deal as we can get on a nice 4-door truck. For me, it is all about how he handled it. He realizes that today. He also realizes that he has had a long history of making impulse decisions without considering even short term consequences. I told him that I wanted to see some evidence of him really owning, addressing and working to correct that behavior. Here's hoping.

authenticnow posted 6/1/2013 19:35 PM

I completely understand. I'm glad you and H talked about it and I hope he starts to get it soon.

And thank you for taking my post in the spirit in which it was intended .

Itsgoingtobeok posted 6/2/2013 22:26 PM

I feel your pain . Imho all WS are selfish. They only care about there happiness and never look at the consequences of there actions . The only time they consider there bs is when it benefits them . My WW will go down the road that I'm not addressing her needs which is considerly selfish .

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