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When they stand your kids up, what then?

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Nature_Girl posted 6/1/2013 00:00 AM

This is the umpteenth time STBX has stood the kids up. Of course he claims he is sick. He is not sick. He's quite literally gone fishin'. So far the kids are young enough that they still buy it. I know better.

But dammit, he stands the kids up and I'm left having to cancel my plans a-friggin'-gain. AGAIN.

I'd like to respond somehow. Like, ask him what his childcare plans are. 'Cuz I'm not expected to pay for or split childcare when it's supposed to be his time with the kids, am I? But of course all he ever does is just email me to tell me he's bailing on the kids (cough! cough), and then he doesn't reply back when I ask him whatwherewhowhyhowwhen. Very convenient. For him.

Honestly I wish he'd just man up, admit he doesn't want to be a father and then just disappear. I hate seeing my kids crying again over this asshole. He does not deserve their tears.

But back to the topic at hand, which is, how do I handle this in the future? Because there will be many more times this happens. The kids are at my house, he bails, I'm left with the brokenhearted kids and plans for myself I have to cancel. I can't take them to his place & drop them off, he isn't there. I don't have the money for childcare.

Oh, and my lawyer's response is who cares what he does, just tell the kids Dad can't make it.

JessicaFL127 posted 6/1/2013 05:54 AM

FT did this for years, the whole time telling anyone and everyone that either he was showing up or that I was keeping the kids from him. As I work weekends it was very hard to find a replacement. He always had myriad excuses delivered with an arrogant air of entitlement. And he almost always did it in writing because he is an idiot. I documented everything in a binder with monthly calendar pages.

He only stopped when he moved in with wife 2 and couldn't pretend anymore. He sulked and behaved like an ass when he had to show up, he made the kids not want to be there after the first two (they were so excited at first) because he was such a dick. Of course he blamed that on me too.

[This message edited by JessicaFL127 at 5:54 AM, June 1st (Saturday)]

Nature_Girl posted 6/1/2013 11:33 AM

Have you gone for a modification, then? Or is he back to not taking the kids again? How did you handle it with your kids? What did you tell them?

JessicaFL127 posted 6/1/2013 13:52 PM

Nope, no modification. My kids were little when he took off so they knew at first, then i stopped telling them he was coming but packed a bag just in case, then stopped packing altogether. They never knew he was skipping visitation because they never knew he was supposed to show. They did figure it out when he started showing up in late 2011 when he moved in with the poor w2, they were older then and put two and two together. That combined with him being a pa jerk to them while they were there made them want to stop going, which i had to give them pep talks to go and of course he blamed that on me too. Idiot. He moved to Germany on deployment in january 2012. He is still a pain in the ass, just one with internet.

Ashland13 posted 6/1/2013 18:30 PM

DD and I have this happening too. STBXH is trying to interpret or modify the visitation schedule to fit his own plans and is causing some real problems. He's dictating the time as it suits him and being such an a.. when I need have the nerve to need something or it's DD's schedule.

I've complained to L an Perv's L actually sent a letter telling my L to "control your client over the visits." ????

So I too, document it all and don't delete.

It's additional pain when done to DD. Promises are starting to be broken and she's trying to tell me "it's okay". Those were her words today and I cried for a long time after I heard them.

I don't think it'll be long before the KISA falls off its horse again, no matter what he buys her?

Yes, I'm in the same shoes as Nature Girl and can't afford to pay anyone, nor is anyone around to ask, for the most part. I don't do much right now that she can't be part of anyway, but it's the way he won't let us make any patterns and keep them anymore and the lies and broken promises.

We have this happen with my mother, who is flashy, buys her stuff, takes her places and then doesn't show up for a long time in her life. She will break plans or they just don't materialize, so I did the same thing as JessicaFLA, kind of and didn't tell DD anything I didn't have to.

Now other people are telling her plans and breaking them -Perv and her grandma-and Do you know, DD actually said to me recently: "Mom, you're the only one who doesn't break promises to me!"

So Nature Girl, I'm really sorry it's happening to you also. Some people I know who are going through this "with us" wonder if is on when STBXH arrives very, very late or tries not to give a time to collect DD, there is a theory that it's so we are boxed in.

FWIW, I stopped trying to communicate with Perv directly because he just has fits at me and I document it and "submit" it to L.

He said if nothing else, it could be a character thing.

I'm sorry it's happening to everyone.

I do have to wonder to myself if and when it will happen to OW and the tribe there (and for others of you).

Kajem posted 6/1/2013 19:42 PM

When XH started doing this, (and I had plans) another single mom just took my kids to her house for the weekend. Her XH did this several times to her (I was married then) and her DD and mine were besties. We just took her for the weekend. Her DS went to grandma's. When we were both divorced we just traded weekends when our X's cancelled at the last minute.

More than once I called his parents and asked them if they could take the girls for the weekend. Luckily the girls and the grands have a very close relationship.. the girls were happy to go- the grands thrilled to get them. Although XH started to get pissed that I was making plans on his weekends and NOT cancelling them based on HIS schedule. I guess we should be bowing to them.

I counted his parents having them as his time. So did his lawyer. He got very angry.. and forbid his parents from talking to me. Or taking the kids for the weekend.

THEN he cancelled on a weekend I had airline reservations that were not refundable. He knew I was going out of town. Thanks to him telling a kid on monday that he wouldn't be able to take them that weekend and the kid telling me. (She also told him I was going away for the weekend) He cancelled on thursday after 9:30 pm. I very nicely informed him that I had plans that could not be changed and he had to find alternate arrangements. He angrily spouted back to me that I have the right of first refusal.. Yes. I am refusing. I have plans I cannot change and no time to make alternate plans for the children as it is too late to call anyone. So make alternate plans. HE was so angry my inbox was on fire.

I had secretly informed his mother that he may be calling and asking her to take the kids... was she able. She rearranged some things and was eagerly secretly awaiting his call.

I never told the girls, she never told FIL. XH called his parents.. everyone was happy.... except XH.

A time or 2 after that and I stopped making secret arrangements.

My kids friends parents have all at one point or another stepped up and taken the kids for a night. Any weekend he had visitation.. I always had a back up plan. If he cancelled at the last minute and I was free.. it was sleepover weekend at Kajems house... 8+ girls and myself... we had fun. My kids friends remember those nights foundly... I'm glad.



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