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AP misses my friendship

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WWMEH13 posted 6/1/2013 00:03 AM

My AP and I have a mutual friend, and on occasion he reaches out to her to see how I'm doing. Today, he asked if I was dating, if my husband and I were working out, and told her that he missed me. Meanwhile, he is still married,and I guess his wife is making his life miserable, not that I blame her.

I have asked her, my friend, not to communicate how I feel with him, how my life is progressing, etc.,

But now tonight I find myself missing him, help me. I haven't felt this way in weeks.

KBeguile posted 6/1/2013 00:39 AM

For one thing, third-party communication is the same as breaching NC.

For another thing, I would think that someone who is both a friend to you AND a friend to AP is NOT a friend of the M - ESPECIALLY if a topic of conversation is how you are doing in your M. That should be no one's business but yours and your BS's.

For yet another thing, AP's situation should be of absolutely no concern to you. You have enough things to deal with on your own: both you and your BS need your whole time and attention right now, and if you really want to R, you don't need to have your headspace be anywhere but at home.

Do you have appropriate boundaries set up?

UnexpectedSong posted 6/1/2013 01:36 AM

I have asked her, my friend, not to communicate how I feel with him, how my life is progressing, etc.,

It needs to stop in this direction, too. You need to change the subject when she talks about him. The responsibility is yours.

BaxtersBFF posted 6/1/2013 01:48 AM

You may need to consider letting go that friend.

hardlessons posted 6/1/2013 02:30 AM

You have enough things to deal with on your own

Yes KB, we do...

WWMEH13 posted 6/1/2013 08:41 AM

Thanks y'all.

I've considered that I might need to stop talking to this friend, and I have asked her to no longer mention to me when he calls or reaches out to her. I am pretty sure he only reaches out to her because he knows I have a chance of hearing about it. So if she doesn't respect my wishes going forward, I'll have some decisions to make.

I came here for my own little 2x4 because I couldn't believe I was missing a man who was so willing to destroy my life with me, and appears willing to continue to do so.

I definitely don't miss him this morning.

Aubrie posted 6/1/2013 13:02 PM

I couldn't believe I was missing a man who was so willing to destroy my life with me, and appears willing to continue to do so.
Remember that last part to help motivate you to stay NC. Not only did he help you stab your BS in the back, but with every attempt to get in contact with you, he brings his arm back for another stab to your BH. He's still inflicting pain and damage.

authenticnow posted 6/1/2013 14:17 PM

Hardlessons,

You have a PM.

Card posted 6/1/2013 15:42 PM

WWMEH13,

Did you share this with your H?

He has a right to know that OM is trying to reach out to you, and he has a right to know that this friend(?) is willingly going along for the ride.

I kept many secrets from my wife and when we entered into recovery, I agreed to complete transparency. Transparency and rigorous honesty are a must in recovery. Without these tools in place, recovery is not real, it's false..... Just more lies...

[This message edited by Card at 3:43 PM, June 1st (Saturday)]

SandAway posted 6/2/2013 06:34 AM

I agree with Card - Does your BH know about this?

One more question, did your friend know about your A? and if so, did the support it?

WWMEH13 posted 6/3/2013 09:02 AM

My BH does not know as we are separated and have not discussed it.

My friend did know about the A, but neither encouraged or discouraged saying, I was going to do what I wanted.

KBeguile posted 6/3/2013 20:53 PM

I'm almost of the opinion that, separated or not, as long as you are still on speaking terms, you should tell your BH about it, as well as whether or not you intend to keep this friend in your life and what you intend to do other than that.

september rain posted 6/4/2013 21:55 PM

I remember when the MM in my own situation kept trying to communicate that he missed me several months after our A had ended, and when he was supposed to have been trying to fix things with his poor BS. Like you, when he did that, I also felt like I missed him and still wanted to talk to/be with him. I was single and he also kept trying to find out if I was seeing anyone (I wasn't, but it was none of his business what I was doing, nor mine what he was doing).

What snapped me out of the insanity of missing him, finally, was the recognition of who he really was, a man who hadn't thought of his wife's feelings, or his marital vows to her, before initiating an EA and PA with a work subordinate, and who was then contacting that former co-worker while he was supposed to be recommiting to and reconciling with his wife.

Now, granted, I was equally guilty in the A and should have also thought about his wife and family. But still, that's the kind of person he was. And that's the kind of person your AP is, also, except that, since you were M also, he gave no consideration to your BH as well as none to his BS.

In my mind, the reaching out to an A partner after it's ended, whether it's to tell them you miss them or just to "keep in touch", is a form of attempted control, as well as more than a touch of egotism and arrogance.

I am glad you recognized your feelings of missing him were not right, and that you've maintained NC. If I were you, though, I'd seriously consider ending your friendship with that mutual friend.

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