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Caligirl9566 posted 6/1/2013 02:50 AM

Ok here it goes I need your advise. Tonight when my WS got home from work we went out on our kayaks and had a wonderful time. Got home and some friends of our wanted to meet us for a drink. We said cool lets go (first my H never wants to do anything with just me like going for drinks).

It was fun... However when we got home and we were lying in bed waiting for our kids to come home we started talking about his A's ( multiple). I started asking questions and he gets upset which he does most of the time. He has opened up some but not ever thing. I still feel he is hiding something from me.

He says why do you want to ruin a great evening by throwing this in my face? Don't you wantnto just move on from this and when will you get passed all of this?

I replied I'm not trying to throw anything in your face I'm just trying to heal a little and by talking about it it helps me process things.

1. Do you think he's hiding something from me?

2. Do you thinks it normal for me to want to talk about it as part of my healing process?

3. Why do you think he won't open up?

WS insight would be helpful as well. I don't post on here very much but all,of your comments and support has got me through a lot of rough times over the past few months. Big hugs to all thanks!!!

wanttogoforward posted 6/1/2013 08:10 AM

He needs to understand that YOU need to talk and get what you feel is the complete truth to heal... I once said to my H that I feel he is not telling the truth completely and I can feel that- it forces your brain and body to hold back on the forgiveness and doesn't allow you to go forward as you need to.
My H, I sometimes feel is still not quite telling me everything- most of it, yes, all of it- no. That is what is holding you back... your soul knows that you need to know it all, even if it's painful. I know at this point of my H were to tell me he kissed her or slept with her would I would be devastated I would also be relieved to know I finally has all the truth!
Lying is their way of protecting us, but they don't realize they are actually hurting us by not giving us the chance to know the full truth about what they have done.... they always say the truth will set you free, and as long as they are holding back things take so much longer to heal... I just wish the person who cheated would just tell the truth right away and let us heal and move forward, either with or without them.

I think I can posted 6/1/2013 09:26 AM

1. Do you think he's hiding something from me?

2. Do you thinks it normal for me to want to talk about it as part of my healing process?

3. Why do you think he won't open up?

1. Can't tell yet. With multiple A's, I'd assume it's more likely than not. Is he transparent? Do you have all passwords, etc?

2. Absolutely normal. A good MC would explain that to him. Ours was invaluable in this regard.

3. He's still in selfish mode. Or hiding something, or both. It's a WS mindset.

sisoon posted 6/1/2013 10:48 AM

I agree this is effed up.

WSes tell themselves and you that they want to withhold details to protect the BS. n fact, they are mainly protecting themselves from owning what they did.

Please tell your H that the faster he answers your questions honestly, the faster you'll get past this.

Jospehine85 posted 6/1/2013 11:08 AM

I have these same problems Caligirl. I think what happens with me is that WH and I have a great evening, I feel connected to him and I feel "safe" asking questions.

Trying pointing out to your WH that you are not trying to ruin the evening. Tell him you just felt connected and that you would like to talk calmly about some of the A issues you still have. Tell him you need him to stop trying to shut you down with an attack about you "ruining the evening".

Really when you think about it, that is what his comment is... an attack aimed to shut you down. Every time he does it, it probably makes you more hesitant to ask a question in the future. A win for him. He is putting his comfort level before yours. Are you okay with that?

At some point you have to say to yourself "tough $hit. I can ask any question I want, whenever I want".

You aren't going to heal if you have to do it his way. Stand up for yourself and let him know he can't keep shutting you down with rude comments or acting upset.

knightsbff posted 6/1/2013 12:19 PM

WW here.

I feel like calmly and honestly answering my BH's questions and talking about the A with him when either of us feel the need is a big part of helping ME to heal too.

I think he won't open up because it's uncomfortable/painful. It's hard to really face what we've done. Also, for me, part of why I had an A in the first place was avoiding yucky feelings. Him opening up and talking to you, even bringing it up on his own is crucial to healing for both of you IMHO.

ETA

"1. Do you think he's hiding something from me?"
I'm sorry but I think it's likely he is. It's a lot easier to keep stories straight if he avoids discussing it.

[This message edited by knightsbff at 12:26 PM, June 1st (Saturday)]

Rebreather posted 6/1/2013 12:23 PM

There is nothing wrong with what you did. In fact, it is totally normal. What is also normal is for a non-remorseful spouse to shut you down by making it your fault somehow.

Don't take it. You MUST talk about this to get through it. Are you in IC? Is he? He has deep seated problems that he tries to address with his cheating. He needs to get to the bottom of what that is.

Is he meeting other requirements for recovery? No contact, openess, transparency, accountability, empathy? It takes time for a wayward to really get this stuff, but going easy on them produces the opposite result.

Caligirl9566 posted 6/2/2013 00:05 AM

Thank you all so much this has really helped.

We both are in IC and will start MC next month. I'm hoping and praying that the MC can help to get him to fully open up and answer all of my questions. I want to get past this but until he opens up all the way I will never heal.

He is doing better in accoutibily, passwords and being more attentive to me and the kids. I want to believe him but it's sooooo hard.

Thanks again everyone I appreciate all your comments. This site has been so good for me and I'm so glad I found it. I realize I'm not alone.

Hugs
Cali

catlover50 posted 6/2/2013 04:55 AM

((((Caligirl))))

My IC recently told me that we should expect the topic to never completely go away. That there is a scar on the M and that even years from now something will pull at the scar.

So certainly just a few months out you need to talk about it. A book I read recently said that until we truly feel "seen"and that our WS feels and understands our pain we will continue to need to talk about it; we won't feel safe.

Good luck to you.

Card posted 6/2/2013 09:32 AM

Caligirl,

First let me share my thoughts about timing of the question and answer session you chose.

You H had a wonderful day with you. However, the loving feelings that were created that day were instantly shut down when you brought up your questions.

We struggled with this too.

We decided to carve out a specific time of the day to have question and answer time. Outside of that time slot affair talk was kept to a minimum.

As recovery progressed the time slot gradually moved to once a week.

As far as you getting over this?????
He needs to come to grips with how insulting and hurtful that statement is.

Ask him to read "Joseph's Letter" in the healing library, in the articles section..... It should help.

Card posted 6/2/2013 09:40 AM

As far as opening up?

He's scared!

He just doesn't understand that you think about the affairs and all the questions you have from the moment your feet hit the floor in the morning and it doesn't stop until you're asleep.

He's a selfish wayward, just as I was. He only thinks about himself when he's shutting you down with his comments about throwing it in your face.

This is a process that takes years, not months.... I hope he's willing to do whatever it takes or you'll be wasting your time.

20WrongsVs1 posted 6/2/2013 10:02 AM

Wayward here.

He says why do you want to ruin a great evening by throwing this in my face?

Retort: why did you want to ruin a great marriage by having multiple A's? You're lucky to be in this bed right now after what you did to us.

1. Do you think he's hiding something from me?

Yes. That's what we do. How else can we have our cake, and eat it too?

2. Do you thinks it normal for me to want to talk about it as part of my healing process?

Yes! In fact, the A topic seems most likely to come up when we are having a nice evening. I would love it if BH never brought it up again, of course! But, I made the choice to have the A, and he chose to stay with me (for now) as long as I am completely open and honest. So I don't get the luxury of clamming up. He wants to know, I tell, even if it ends up ruining a nice evening and I end up sleeping on the sofa.

3. Why do you think he won't open up?

Depends. If he's still in contact with OW or wants to be, then he's "in the fog" and probably incapable of being open with you. BTDT, ashamed about it. It's also possible he thinks talking about it is "rubbing your nose in it" or will hurt you. I've already hurt my BH and it's hard to say things that are likely to hurt him. But I am working to win his trust and forgiveness, and I'll do anything for that.

Caligirl9566 posted 6/2/2013 23:34 PM

Thanks again for your help! The more post I read the better I feel. I say so I'm not crazy and asking questions is normal.

Thanks bunches!!!!
Cali

Wonderingwhy11 posted 6/3/2013 01:39 AM

Caligirl - I talked non stop about the A for what seems like months. I was so hurt. Eventually it became less and less because I realized I had all I needed to know and I needed to decide to R or move on. It is hard not to continue to ask questions trying to understand something that does not make sense.

When we have good days and I bring up the A my WH gets upset because he thinks we had a good day and why ruined to talk about the A. I understand this thinking now but in the first year it was upsetting and I felt if I needed to talk then he should listen and respond. How else do you R if you feel you can't talk about your feelings.

The fine line is not to "beat them up" about the A. I have found MC has helped navigate the A discussions.

Is he hiding something? Maybe

Is it normal to talk about the A in healing process? I think it is. It helps us work through all the emotions and finally realize the A was not about us and start the healing.

Why won't he open up? Could be a number of reasons. He is ashamed. In his mind it is over and he has moved on and why can't you. He is hiding his true feelings. He doesn't know how to discuss his feelings. My WH is not comfortable talking about his feelings. MC can help with this questions or at least help you.