It was fun... However when we got home and we were lying in bed waiting for our kids to come home we started talking about his A's ( multiple). I started asking questions and he gets upset which he does most of the time. He has opened up some but not ever thing. I still feel he is hiding something from me.
He says why do you want to ruin a great evening by throwing this in my face? Don't you wantnto just move on from this and when will you get passed all of this?
I replied I'm not trying to throw anything in your face I'm just trying to heal a little and by talking about it it helps me process things.
1. Do you think he's hiding something from me?
2. Do you thinks it normal for me to want to talk about it as part of my healing process?
3. Why do you think he won't open up?
WS insight would be helpful as well. I don't post on here very much but all,of your comments and support has got me through a lot of rough times over the past few months. Big hugs to all thanks!!!
1. Do you think he's hiding something from me? 2. Do you thinks it normal for me to want to talk about it as part of my healing process? 3. Why do you think he won't open up?
1. Can't tell yet. With multiple A's, I'd assume it's more likely than not. Is he transparent? Do you have all passwords, etc?
2. Absolutely normal. A good MC would explain that to him. Ours was invaluable in this regard.
3. He's still in selfish mode. Or hiding something, or both. It's a WS mindset.
WSes tell themselves and you that they want to withhold details to protect the BS. n fact, they are mainly protecting themselves from owning what they did.
Please tell your H that the faster he answers your questions honestly, the faster you'll get past this.
Trying pointing out to your WH that you are not trying to ruin the evening. Tell him you just felt connected and that you would like to talk calmly about some of the A issues you still have. Tell him you need him to stop trying to shut you down with an attack about you "ruining the evening".
Really when you think about it, that is what his comment is... an attack aimed to shut you down. Every time he does it, it probably makes you more hesitant to ask a question in the future. A win for him. He is putting his comfort level before yours. Are you okay with that?
At some point you have to say to yourself "tough $hit. I can ask any question I want, whenever I want".
You aren't going to heal if you have to do it his way. Stand up for yourself and let him know he can't keep shutting you down with rude comments or acting upset.
I feel like calmly and honestly answering my BH's questions and talking about the A with him when either of us feel the need is a big part of helping ME to heal too.
I think he won't open up because it's uncomfortable/painful. It's hard to really face what we've done. Also, for me, part of why I had an A in the first place was avoiding yucky feelings. Him opening up and talking to you, even bringing it up on his own is crucial to healing for both of you IMHO.
ETA
"1. Do you think he's hiding something from me?" I'm sorry but I think it's likely he is. It's a lot easier to keep stories straight if he avoids discussing it.
[This message edited by knightsbff at 12:26 PM, June 1st (Saturday)]
I edit often to fix stuff ☺️
Profoundly grateful Every. Single. Day. that I am blessed with an H with strength, integrity, and compassion, and that he decided to try.
Don't take it. You MUST talk about this to get through it. Are you in IC? Is he? He has deep seated problems that he tries to address with his cheating. He needs to get to the bottom of what that is.
Is he meeting other requirements for recovery? No contact, openess, transparency, accountability, empathy? It takes time for a wayward to really get this stuff, but going easy on them produces the opposite result.
We both are in IC and will start MC next month. I'm hoping and praying that the MC can help to get him to fully open up and answer all of my questions. I want to get past this but until he opens up all the way I will never heal.
He is doing better in accoutibily, passwords and being more attentive to me and the kids. I want to believe him but it's sooooo hard.
Thanks again everyone I appreciate all your comments. This site has been so good for me and I'm so glad I found it. I realize I'm not alone.
Hugs Cali
My IC recently told me that we should expect the topic to never completely go away. That there is a scar on the M and that even years from now something will pull at the scar.
So certainly just a few months out you need to talk about it. A book I read recently said that until we truly feel "seen"and that our WS feels and understands our pain we will continue to need to talk about it; we won't feel safe.
Good luck to you.
First let me share my thoughts about timing of the question and answer session you chose.
You H had a wonderful day with you. However, the loving feelings that were created that day were instantly shut down when you brought up your questions.
We struggled with this too.
We decided to carve out a specific time of the day to have question and answer time. Outside of that time slot affair talk was kept to a minimum.
As recovery progressed the time slot gradually moved to once a week.
As far as you getting over this????? He needs to come to grips with how insulting and hurtful that statement is.
Ask him to read "Joseph's Letter" in the healing library, in the articles section..... It should help.
D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007
"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along! Search for self called off!
Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin
He's scared!
He just doesn't understand that you think about the affairs and all the questions you have from the moment your feet hit the floor in the morning and it doesn't stop until you're asleep.
He's a selfish wayward, just as I was. He only thinks about himself when he's shutting you down with his comments about throwing it in your face.
This is a process that takes years, not months.... I hope he's willing to do whatever it takes or you'll be wasting your time.
He says why do you want to ruin a great evening by throwing this in my face?
Retort: why did you want to ruin a great marriage by having multiple A's? You're lucky to be in this bed right now after what you did to us.
Yes. That's what we do. How else can we have our cake, and eat it too?
Yes! In fact, the A topic seems most likely to come up when we are having a nice evening. I would love it if BH never brought it up again, of course! But, I made the choice to have the A, and he chose to stay with me (for now) as long as I am completely open and honest. So I don't get the luxury of clamming up. He wants to know, I tell, even if it ends up ruining a nice evening and I end up sleeping on the sofa.
Depends. If he's still in contact with OW or wants to be, then he's "in the fog" and probably incapable of being open with you. BTDT, ashamed about it. It's also possible he thinks talking about it is "rubbing your nose in it" or will hurt you. I've already hurt my BH and it's hard to say things that are likely to hurt him. But I am working to win his trust and forgiveness, and I'll do anything for that.
Thanks bunches!!!! Cali
When we have good days and I bring up the A my WH gets upset because he thinks we had a good day and why ruined to talk about the A. I understand this thinking now but in the first year it was upsetting and I felt if I needed to talk then he should listen and respond. How else do you R if you feel you can't talk about your feelings.
The fine line is not to "beat them up" about the A. I have found MC has helped navigate the A discussions.
Is he hiding something? Maybe
Is it normal to talk about the A in healing process? I think it is. It helps us work through all the emotions and finally realize the A was not about us and start the healing.
Why won't he open up? Could be a number of reasons. He is ashamed. In his mind it is over and he has moved on and why can't you. He is hiding his true feelings. He doesn't know how to discuss his feelings. My WH is not comfortable talking about his feelings. MC can help with this questions or at least help you.
Gotta love the life that we livin'
