SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

heavyheart1 posted 6/1/2013 07:02 AM

She's like an itch I can't stop scratching, and all it does is reopen my wounds...but I CANNOT stop. I creep on her and her friends on Facebook and Instagram to see where she is and what she's doing, etc. I can't get over that she exists, and the thought that she could be happy somewhere while I'm still in misery crushes me. My logical brain gets it, but its completely overruled. Why can't I stop?

Knowing posted 6/1/2013 07:08 AM

We are 8 months post DDay and I am just now obsessing about the MCOW less. I no longer check everyday, all day. Just acknowledging that you may have a problem is the first step in changing that behaviour!

Daisy312 posted 6/1/2013 07:18 AM

One year out and it has gotten better, but I still do it. I try and remember that if she was happy she wouldn't have cheated on her husband by pursuing a married man. My H is dealing with his mess, she is just repressing. He as a light at the end of his tunnel, she as many years of misery ahead of her.

Sue1964 posted 6/1/2013 10:57 AM

Please please stop its not worth it i sholuld know.
Block her from facebook if like me made a false one up get a friend to can age password and don't look.
Why bother they are nothing and u are only hurting yourself.
Good luck.

traditoperanni posted 6/1/2013 11:36 AM

Heavyheart1,

I totally understand.I'm where you are . My fwh had many ow but one in particular who I found out has been around ( off and on as fwh puts it) just a year ago has me obsessing constantly. How do I get this ow out of mind? 37yrs!
I don't even know what she looks like. All I know is that she was very
"needy" and crazy. She tried constantly for him to leave me and
his family. She has been around most of my married life. My fwh seems to have no problem letting her go and seems relieved she is out of his life. But, me? Not so much.
I hope someday I can let it go.
She has never been married or had
children, or siblings and her parents are gone and that seems to make me feel a little bit better.
I realize they were both sick individuals and used each other.
I do have difficulty when I think back on my life and what we were doing
(births,vacations, holidays, weddings etc.) and now I know she was lurking
in the background somewhere. That disturbs me.
So, yes I understand and I hope that someday you'll have some peace and move on. I hope that for me,
too. Take care.

karmahappens posted 6/1/2013 12:48 PM

Holy shit....this sucks doesn't it? I totally get it. I think I win the award for not letting the OW go.

It was until I found SI and read a bunch of other peoples experiences that I was able to let her go.

I watched her facebook, followed her life and waited for her to get hit by a bus. She has a shitty life now, not a karma life, a life chosen by her actions.

In year five I was finally able to let her go, long after I had forgiven my H. She lived inside my head and heart making everything dirty. And then, she was gone.

Honestly, I don't know if it was time or the final realization that she didn't matter and I was letting her ruin all my efforts at healing. But it finally was gone, she was gone.

Work on it, every time you want to look at her fb or stalk her, don't. Just one step at a time one thought at a time.

I wish I could give you a magic eraser, because she doesn't matter, really. But you have to get there in your own time.

Hang on, and remember you are worth loving yourself more than you hate her.

((((hugs)))) heavyheart

westerly posted 6/2/2013 13:21 PM

This is a tough one- I struggle with it myself. I had put it behind me after about a year, but Dday#2 put me right back at square one.

The only contribution I can make is that you have to decide when keeping tabs on her changes from a healthy self-protection measure to a self-harm measure, an attempt at self-punishment caused by the unhealthy responses to trauma that we all have had to deal with.

Every one of us has had our ego crushed, and there's not a person in the world who can make us truly BELIEVE that we're not somehow deserving, on some level, of fault, whether from contributing to the A or how we handle R. It's ridiculous and wrong for us to blame the person in the mirror for the A, but at some point we all do it, and without a healthy ego, how the hell do you defend yourself from blame even when you know, ostensibly, that the fault isn't yours to own?

At that point, her presence in your life becomes partially your choice and responsibility, not just your fWH's. I'm too close to dDay#2, myself to start thinking about letting go, but you have to identify why you're following her, what you can do to achieve the level of security necessary to trust your fWH enough to let go of the need to follow her, and finally, if necessary, you need to talk to a professional if you are past the point where keeping tabs on her is helping you, and yet you still can't stop.

For me, after 6 months I only looked at the OM's footprint online maybe once a week or so. After a year, I stopped except for maybe once every 2-3 months, and afterwards, at the end, I recognized that I was hurting myself by looking.

IAmPsycho posted 6/2/2013 16:51 PM

She's not happy. People who have to go steal other people's lives aren't happy. They may even look good on FB because everyone puts up their best pics, and their best life events, but she is not really happy deep down.

I was good friends with the OW, and she recently contacted me 12 years after the A. She is not happy. Life did not work out for her. She is married now to some lazy biker dude who only works odd jobs painting here and there.

I think that people who make poor decisions like cheating with a married person never really find true happiness unless they start making good choices, and I think that is rare.

And remember " living well is the best revenge", so be happy!

MoreWould posted 6/3/2013 13:05 PM

Try taking 5HTTP, an over-the-counter amino acid available at vitamin stores in the US and elsewhere. Serotonin precursor.

It is indicated for treating mild depression, in my case I found a distinct improvement in my ability to let go of obsessive thoughts and think about something else. Didn't stop them from coming up, just gave me a little more control over my own mind once they did.

Like a lot of "brain food", including prescription ADs it takes a while to work, give it a week before you expect much progress.