We are in R.
I totally understand.I'm where you are . My fwh had many ow but one in particular who I found out has been around ( off and on as fwh puts it) just a year ago has me obsessing constantly. How do I get this ow out of mind? 37yrs! I don't even know what she looks like. All I know is that she was very "needy" and crazy. She tried constantly for him to leave me and his family. She has been around most of my married life. My fwh seems to have no problem letting her go and seems relieved she is out of his life. But, me? Not so much. I hope someday I can let it go. She has never been married or had children, or siblings and her parents are gone and that seems to make me feel a little bit better. I realize they were both sick individuals and used each other. I do have difficulty when I think back on my life and what we were doing (births,vacations, holidays, weddings etc.) and now I know she was lurking in the background somewhere. That disturbs me. So, yes I understand and I hope that someday you'll have some peace and move on. I hope that for me, too. Take care.
It was until I found SI and read a bunch of other peoples experiences that I was able to let her go.
I watched her facebook, followed her life and waited for her to get hit by a bus. She has a shitty life now, not a karma life, a life chosen by her actions.
In year five I was finally able to let her go, long after I had forgiven my H. She lived inside my head and heart making everything dirty. And then, she was gone.
Honestly, I don't know if it was time or the final realization that she didn't matter and I was letting her ruin all my efforts at healing. But it finally was gone, she was gone.
Work on it, every time you want to look at her fb or stalk her, don't. Just one step at a time one thought at a time.
I wish I could give you a magic eraser, because she doesn't matter, really. But you have to get there in your own time.
Hang on, and remember you are worth loving yourself more than you hate her.
((((hugs)))) heavyheart
The only contribution I can make is that you have to decide when keeping tabs on her changes from a healthy self-protection measure to a self-harm measure, an attempt at self-punishment caused by the unhealthy responses to trauma that we all have had to deal with.
Every one of us has had our ego crushed, and there's not a person in the world who can make us truly BELIEVE that we're not somehow deserving, on some level, of fault, whether from contributing to the A or how we handle R. It's ridiculous and wrong for us to blame the person in the mirror for the A, but at some point we all do it, and without a healthy ego, how the hell do you defend yourself from blame even when you know, ostensibly, that the fault isn't yours to own?
At that point, her presence in your life becomes partially your choice and responsibility, not just your fWH's. I'm too close to dDay#2, myself to start thinking about letting go, but you have to identify why you're following her, what you can do to achieve the level of security necessary to trust your fWH enough to let go of the need to follow her, and finally, if necessary, you need to talk to a professional if you are past the point where keeping tabs on her is helping you, and yet you still can't stop.
For me, after 6 months I only looked at the OM's footprint online maybe once a week or so. After a year, I stopped except for maybe once every 2-3 months, and afterwards, at the end, I recognized that I was hurting myself by looking.
I was good friends with the OW, and she recently contacted me 12 years after the A. She is not happy. Life did not work out for her. She is married now to some lazy biker dude who only works odd jobs painting here and there.
I think that people who make poor decisions like cheating with a married person never really find true happiness unless they start making good choices, and I think that is rare.
And remember " living well is the best revenge", so be happy!
It is indicated for treating mild depression, in my case I found a distinct improvement in my ability to let go of obsessive thoughts and think about something else. Didn't stop them from coming up, just gave me a little more control over my own mind once they did.
Like a lot of "brain food", including prescription ADs it takes a while to work, give it a week before you expect much progress.
