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I don't know how to handle this - RE: NC

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jellybean22 posted 6/1/2013 09:02 AM

WH and OW work together. That is a fact that cannot be changed. They broke off the A before D-day and went back to their status as friends. Obviously, after D-day that relationship was unacceptable to me. I told WH that strict NC was the only option for me to be able to move forward. MC agreed. WH sent a firm and clear NC text.

I love jellybean22 and I am committed to my marriage, my family, and my future with her. You and I ruined our chances of remaining friends, and we cannot have any contact that is not completely work related ever again. Our selfish and inappropriate actions caused tremendous pain. I do not want to be friends with you. Please respect my wish.

OW replied.

I completely understand. I sincerely respect you and jellybean22 wishes. I wish you both nothing but the best and I mean that.

Since then, their only contact has been strictly work related (as per WH's reports). Dealing with their patients and procedures only - no pleasantries or friendly banter.

BUT she has texted him twice. A coworker had her baby and OW sent a group text including WH with a picture of the baby. WH deleted it without replying.

Yesterday, WH's boss asked him to pick up a shift on his vacation week. He agreed. Then boss revealed it was OW's shift and she needed off to attend a wedding. Whatever - WH would have picked it up anyway; he's always picking up extra shifts.

But OW texted AGAIN!

THANK YOU for picking up my shift on Saturday. You didn't have to, but I do really appreciate it.

And my polite (but really stupid and not thinking in the moment) WH replied! Aaaaaah!

No problem. You're welcome.

He showed it to me and, of course, I hit the roof. It's bad enough she texted an unnecessary and not work related (he argues that it is) message. But he should know better than to reply at all unless it would be to tell her to respect his NC request.

So now I want to text her to tell her to STOP (and a few other things i want to say to her). And I think I need to be talked down. Because for as good as I think it would make me feel when I'm pissed and hurt like this, it would probably make me feel worse in the long run, right?

But she needs to stop. The employees' info is posted at work so they can call each other for shift changes. Changing his cell number will do no good as she'd have access to his new one.

I just want to text her and go off. I have it drafted and I've been sitting on it thinking I'd cool off and no longer want to send it, but I only want to send it more!

I think I can posted 6/1/2013 09:21 AM

I understand the feeling.

Is the OW married?

jellybean22 posted 6/1/2013 09:31 AM

She is engaged. Wedding is at the end of the summer. Her fiancé does not know as far as I know. We have not outted the affair to him because of possible ramifications on the job and because he could physically come after WH (our younger son's preschool is at the workplace also).

I've wanted to threaten her with the fact that I can reveal it to him, but I don't know that I'd follow through for the reasons above. If he knew that would probably take care of her contact my WH though... Unless they split. I don't know.

[This message edited by jellybean22 at 9:31 AM, June 1st (Saturday)]

TrustGone posted 6/1/2013 09:54 AM

You both need to remain NC with the OW. He does not need to answer her texts, and if she does text him, he needs to show you at once. I just went through the same thing with WH#2. OW texted him after 7mo of NC. Instead of showing me he deleted the text. 3weeks later he gets drunk and decides to call her (4 times at 2:00 am) to tell her to leave us alone. He did not tell me anything and I found it on the phone bill. Needless to say we are back at 0 trust and it's getting old. He says he never spoke to her, just left a message, didn't like that message, so he called her several times leaving messages. I don't buy it all, but he knew what I had found without me saying, so that did tell me they have not had other contact. All of his story did match the phone bill. He said I had a lot on my mind and he didn't want to cause me any anxiety so he decided to take care of it himself. Which I told him was Bulls$%^ and it opened the door for her right back into our lives.

The thing is your WH needs to make sure he is NC at all with the OW. As far as you contacting her, I would not give her the satifaction of knowing I ever gave her a second thought. She is not your problem at this point. As far as telling her fiance' I think he has a right to know before he marries her. You could save him a lot of pain in the long run, but I understand why you are hesitant to disclose the A to him. (((HUGS)))

Jospehine85 posted 6/1/2013 11:18 AM

Tell her fiance. Tell him now. He will not come after your WH or your child.

Employment ramifications? Everyone at their work probably already knows or suspects the A. Waywards think they are being clever and sly, but they are the only ones who think that.

Tell your WH to start looking for a new job.

He knows the boundaries. He failed to follow them. Her text was not necessary. Your WH is fooling no one but himself claiming that.

He put her feelings before yours. He broke perfectly reasonable boundaries designed to protect you in order to be polite to OW.

BAD ANSWER. That is not how R works.

Your WH doesn't "get it" yet.

Knowing posted 6/1/2013 11:20 AM

They created this situation, not you. Telling her BS is the only thing that may stop her in the future from fishing/contacting your WS. I think it's imperative in your situation, regardless of whatever "fears" that may be holding you back from doing the right thing at the moment.

UKlady posted 6/1/2013 11:22 AM

Perhaps you'd feel better if you posted the text to OW here instead? Then at least there'd be an outlet for it?

Lucky2HaveMe posted 6/1/2013 11:35 AM

Crickets! NC is for both of you. And HE needs to shore up those boundaries and NOT reply. She did not have to thank him for picking up the shift. He did not have to reply. As he said in the NC text, NO PLEASANTRIES.

Silence will speak louder than any words you/he can speak.

Rebreather posted 6/1/2013 12:06 PM

This is often the result when trying to modify the most effective "rules" for recovery. It makes things that much messier and delays the process.

What did he say about his reply? Why did he do that? What were his motivations? How did he react to you? There is no reason for you to contact her. Ever. That is HIS role. He can block her number instead of getting a new number. It may be time to send another NC message that also says if she contacts him again he will consider it harrassment and will report it to the apporpriate authorities.

I understand why you don't want to tell the fiancee. I will just say, being afraid of consequences in this process can end your chance of recovery. Your old life is over. By continually compromising, ie, letting them work together, not outing the affair to her fiance, will often lead to a restart of the affair, or cause the BS so much grief that it ends the marriage anyway. The best way to be successful is a hardline stance. I'm so sorry to be so negative, but it is what it is.

He needs to dig deep as to why he thought it ok to reply to that text, and I think both of you need to really decide how badly you want to save your marriage and then make some harder choices.

WhatsRight posted 6/1/2013 12:23 PM

I apologize in advance if I am way off base...and I am not trying to tell anyone what they should do.

But, from your post, it seems that your husband has done / is doing what you agreed upon.

I understand the emotions - believe me. But if their only contact has to be work related, it seems that the thank you and your welcome would be something that co-workers do. I agree under the circumstances she shouldn't have said thank you and he shouldn't have said your welcome. But he showed you, and that is huge.

Could it be considered a mistake - rather than going backwards? Could you talk with your husband about how this may seem like a co-worker type of communication, but that under the circumstances it is unacceptable???

Just wondering.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 12:24 PM, June 1st (Saturday)]

jellybean22 posted 6/1/2013 13:51 PM

I don't think the communication on either end was appropriate, but he considered it work related and that's why he replied. He knows better now from my reaction and our discussions of it.

Silence will speak louder than any words you/he can speak.

I know this to be true. Replying to her even to tell her to stop texting him is giving her power. She's not my concern.

I will not give her that.

PhoenixRising88 posted 6/1/2013 14:09 PM

Jelly, I have a quick question. If he had covered someone's shift that he had not had an A with, would the 'thanks' and 'you're welcome' exchange have bothered you? What I mean is, is it the fact that's it HER involved, or the situation itself that has you upset? If it's the fact that it's his AP, maybe tell him ZERO contact with her, even work-related, on his cell, if that's possible....

I'm asking because my WH's EA partner lives out of state, zero chance of having to interact with her again, so I don't know what I'd do if they were in proximity because that's my not sitch. Actually I do know what I'd have done, I'd probably have beat her to death already...

ms521 posted 6/1/2013 14:29 PM

Just wanted to say I hear you and get it. My WH works with OW2 (and quitting isn't an option for us right now), and they have taken their contact down to "nothing but work." In fact, I asked WH to dial-down ALL his contact with every female colleague. I don't think he needs to be casually texting or emailing anyone anything until he can figure out why/how he ended up in this place again.

I think your decision to say nothing to her is PERFECT. I have a friend who was an OW once upon a hundred years ago, and she told me once the most painful thing was knowing the wife knew about her, and never hearing anything. She said she could just feel the hatred radiating from "out there." Don't give OW anymore headspace, but DO remind your WH that you don't want him texting her anything. Her text thanking him for helping her could be fishing, and he needs to keep the door firmly shut on ANY possibility of any level of friendship where she's concerned. They might have to work together, but that's where it ends.

Stay strong!!

jellybean22 posted 6/1/2013 15:08 PM

It would not have bothered me if another coworker (even female) had texted the same. Nor would it have bothered me if she had been standing there when he agreed to take a shift and said thanks and he replied you're welcome.

Does that make sense?

The fact that she reached out to him by texting bothers me big time. Their relationship evolved via text and hours long phone calls. He texted to end all contact and she just doesn't seem to get it.

I hate how insecure her mere existence makes me feel.

PhoenixRising88 posted 6/1/2013 15:24 PM

It does make sense given that texting was part of their 'connection' process.... (((JELLY)))

doesitgetbetter posted 6/1/2013 16:23 PM

I would bet a million dollars that once her fiancé knows about her infidelity, she will find a way to STOP texting your WH.

I can't tell you how many times I've read on here "the OW's BS is violent, he'll come after my WH, their job is at risk" on and on, only to have nothing happen the majority of the time. I've yet to read on here where someone was really hurt by a BS that was notified of the affair, and very few people have their job jeopardized because of it either.

The longer you let this little A be "their" secret, the longer the inappropriate contact will continue and the more damage it will end up causing your M. It's your call, but it sounds like more harm is being done now by keeping it secret from the fiancé. Plus, IMO, he has a right to know he's at risk for STD's, and WHO he is actually going to marry in a few months. You could save this guy a lifetime of pain.

Thera77 posted 6/1/2013 16:37 PM

My FWH also works with the OW (and now her BH too). In our case neither one is his direct report, so there is NO reason for them to contact each other. After Dday, BH had OW block FWH's cell. OW still attempted to go underground using their work email which was ignored. Last year with my permission, FWH replied once to a semi-work related email from OW, which netted 2 hastily written fishing attempts within 30 mins of each other asking him to text her. FWH maintained NC.

So, now FWH and I block her # on his cell. If your WH's cell is private and not work one, please consider doing it too. Clearly a supervisor can communicate with WH about picking up an OT shift, so there is NO reason for OW and your WH to be in any kind of contact. Idk how it is with other carriers but with Verizon you have to redo # block every 90 days, so I set a reminder in my phone every 91 days and viola.

In our case, OW hasn't tried to text after Dday, but she does continue to fish every once in a while. Before FWH's promotion this included her picking up shifts in his station. Once that didn't net the results she wanted, it died down. Let's hope once your WH stops caring about being nice to OW and gets down with a hard NC, she'll stop too.

But I would definately consider letting her BF in on the big secret. In my case contact with the other BS, made a huge difference in the beginning.

[This message edited by Thera77 at 4:39 PM, June 1st (Saturday)]

RightTrack posted 6/1/2013 18:57 PM

WH should block her on his phone.

BeyondBreaking posted 6/1/2013 19:11 PM

Okay, I might try to play devil's advocate here: would you have flipped out about a different coworker sending out a group text with aid true of another coworker's baby? I know that isn't work related per say, but it is hardly inappropriate, at least in my mind. Now, if she had sent it to just him, or included some dirty innuendo with it, okay. But including your H in a work-wide email or text message (even if it is a coworkers baby or a funny forward or something).

As far as picking up the shift- again, playing devil's advocate here- could it be that she was just genuinely thankful? She had a prior engagement, your H had made is clear that he doesn't want to be friends with her, and perhaps to her, that means he won't be doing her any favors, like picking up shifts for her. In her mind, he did her a favor.

Okay, done dabbling in devil's advocacy. I agree with you- anytime I saw her Number in my WH's phone, my blood would be boiling as well, regardless of what she had to say.
DON'T text her! As of right now, the worst she has done is send a coworkers baby and said thank you. You don't want to invite her back into your lives, do you? NC is NC, period.

Additionally, focus on your H. He shouldn't have replied to her text. BUT, he was honest with you. He showed you... That is progress, no?

doesitgetbetter posted 6/1/2013 20:05 PM

On a side note, being genuinely grateful or not, the AP does NOT need to have any contact with a WS at all.... that just opens the door for more infidelity. Come on now.

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