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How to talk to a person with some N P D

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TheAgonyOfIt posted 6/1/2013 09:32 AM

Hello. I am posting here, because I'm nearly sure that my WS is actually somewhat NPD, and I think he's on to my knowing. Any negative thoughts about him, or requests to elicit deep emotion does not flatter him and causes him to act in mean spirited and cold ways. I have to keep the peace and stay sane for another month. I am in IC but it's the weekend and I've just come to this NPD realization. I need to hide my knowing from him. But i've changed in one day, from being angry and hurt on the edge of collapse with grief over the affair to a "come to jesus" moment where i see finally the truth in how he behaves and wow, many of the NPD articles on web just bring it all to light. I know he can sense the change; he's clever and cunning and can sniff it out. I need to keep all this to myself. Anyone been through something like this? ((Also now I'm starting to think OW is as much as "victim" of his NPD as i am, and I actually have some sympathy for her having been sucked in. He can be Very charming and irresistible). Thank you all.

[This message edited by TheAgonyOfIt at 9:33 AM, June 1st (Saturday)]

Jospehine85 posted 6/1/2013 10:25 AM


My WH has been diagnosed as extreme narcissism, but the psych hesitated to label it as true NPD as he believed WH was capable of empathy.

A true NPD is incapable of empathy. They can learn to ACT as if they do, but they feel nothing.

Narcissism traits appear on a spectrum TheAgony. We all have it to varying degrees. It sounds like your WS is heavy towards one end of it.

I hope realizing what your WS's underlying issues are will help you step back, detach and see him in a manner that allows you to feel better about yourself.

wifeno2 posted 6/1/2013 10:28 AM

I'm in the same boat. I wrestle with it. I know how to manage NPD. You have to cater to their ego and make things all about them. That keeps them happier. Nothing will really keep them satisfied. More more more, me me me.

For me the real difficult part is continuing to do this without losing myself. It requires acting and pretending and is less than honest. Which is tiring for me and makes me angry at times-especially because I really want him to understand what he does to me and I want him to have empathy and "get it." Which he can't. He's NPD.

But I try to look at the big picture of what is best for me and DS. I also spend more time with friends now and that reminds me of who I am and helps refuel me.

Housefulloflove posted 6/1/2013 10:55 AM

In the same boat over here. It seems that the only way to communicate with a narcissist who is not seeking any professional help is to accept that they are basically a forever-toddler emotionally and try to appease him and keep him "happy" to make your life less hellish (until they leave you). You have to accept that he won't get better on his own and likely will never get the help he would need to change, and also accept that all your hopes and desires in the relationship will likely never happen because you would essentially be in a relationship with someone who is in a relationship with themselves.

I have yet to read/hear anything about it being possible to have a romantic relationship with a narcissist without lowering your expectations to a ridiculously unsatisfying level and cheating yourself out of the chance for reciprocated love.

I just finished a book titled "Disarming the Narcissist". It seems like a great place to start if you are looking for a more effective communication style with a Narcissist. However, spending the rest of my life appeasing a narcissist (until he/she devalues and probably discards me anyway) isn't something I'm willing to do but it had a lot of good information about the ways narcissist manipulate their victims.

[This message edited by Housefulloflove at 10:57 AM, June 1st (Saturday)]

ButterflyGirl posted 6/1/2013 12:36 PM

I think the best option is to not talk to a person who has NPD at all, but if you have kids or finances to discuss, I think the best advice is to take ALL emotion out of it. Just the facts.. Everything you say will be twisted around anyway..

As I learned about NPD after separating, for some reason I thought I was smarter than him. I started calling him out on his tactics, and I think I tried manipulating him using his own tactics against him. But none of that crap works. Really, my best advice is to take ALL emotion out and ignore the rest.

I think we spend too much time trying to get them to see the light so they can change. But I really think they do see the light, they just choose to ignore it. It's such a waste of time trying to help, defend, explain, reason, save, or fix them.. They just don't care..

TheAgonyOfIt posted 6/2/2013 18:33 PM

thank you all for sharing. i really feel for all of you. congrats to those divorcing and for those staying, i wish you even more strength. To Josephine who explained the spectrum, thanks, that does make it more easy to understand as I don't think he's entirely NPD; sometimes i even wonder if he's NPD-like when his anger takes over but is not actually on NPD spectrum. It's very confusing; hard to understand. And yet YES, understanding that he has underlying issues has helped to take some of the Agony of it for me. Thank you everyone, my very best wishes for peace to all of you.

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