"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Unagie posted 6/1/2013 10:58 AM

In June of last year I made the worst choice of my life. I chose to betray SO and myself in a way that has destroyed who we were individually and as a couple. I find my mind running through my actions and figuring out what made me feel this was a choice that I could make. At the same time I find myself feeling so sad. Had I not done this SO would have proposed. We would have been getting married. But I can't focus on the what ifs I need to focus on being a better me. Just wanted to share.

grains posted 6/1/2013 12:19 PM

You are absolutely right - "what if's" are powerful forms of negative self-talk. They create more suffering for yourself and as a result more suffering for the people you care about. They hinder your progress towards becoming a healthier person. We spend precious time blaming ourself and feeling sorry for ourself and we begin to believe these distorted thoughts about ourself. The opposite of negative self-talk is actively planning what we can do to be healthier. I feel that you are doing this. That's wonderful. Good luck on your recovery.

tired girl posted 6/1/2013 14:35 PM

I know you are having a tough time with the one year anti and I am sorry that you are going through that pain.

I have always had a question about this with your situation. Did he ever make mention of proposing to you prior to you confessing what you did?

Had I not done this SO would have proposed. We would have been getting married

Unagie posted 6/1/2013 14:41 PM

We talked marriage for years. When he saw how depressed I was he figured it was because we weren't married yet. It was because I was building up to confess. We fought about life in general and he proposed to me. He says he planned to do it because he thought I was building up to leave him because I was unsatisfied with where we were going, so he proposed.

He has mentioned marriage since then as something unimportant to him but if I want we can go to city hall anytime. Its the last thing I want, I refuse to marry someone who doesn't want me. I think its why I'm having such a hard time letting go of that dream.

tired girl posted 6/1/2013 14:51 PM

So he proposed prior to your confession?

knightsbff posted 6/1/2013 14:52 PM

Unagie,

I'm sorry you are feeling sad.

It is possible that he may have proposed and maybe you would be married now, but wouldn't you still have had the "whys" that brought you here.

You are doing the work to be healthy. You are preparing yourself for a healthy and happy marriage some day.

He says he planned to do it because he thought I was building up to leave him because I was unsatisfied with where we were going, so he proposed.

You deserve better than this and I believe you know it. From this statement it doesn't seem getting married was what HE wanted to do. He felt it was something he had to do to keep you around. This is part of his work that you won't be able to do for him. You have to figure out if this would have been enough for you and if so why....

Unagie posted 6/1/2013 15:03 PM

The things i was willing to accept is one of the things I am working on. Why was i willing to accept less then I deserved.

TG, he proposed 1 month before I confessed. He thought it was the answer to my depression. Also that he was finally ready. We've fought about this, about his reasons behind it and why it makes me feel like it wasn't something he wanted as much as I did. At the time I did believe it meant as much to him. Now after many talks I think differently. The dream is what I know is killing me, but I see reality and I am accepting it and working through my side of it. Why I was not able to see that it didn't mean as much to him as I thought it did, why I accepted it for so long, why I didn't see that it was a bargaining chip he could use when he thought I would leave. We had a "plan" that we'd marry before he was 30, he turned 29 last year but he says we were still on schedule. It was his plan, I wanted marriage years ago but accepted the plan because I didn't want to lose him. Another thing I need to examine. There's a lot here I know that I am working through. I don't have blinders on, I'm trying to make sense of it all and work through it all.

Sorry this went on a little longer then I thought it would.