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innocencelost30 posted 6/1/2013 10:59 AM

Hello everyone, I feel a little better once I read about everyone's stories here, i wish courage and happiness upon all, mine may not be a long relationship, still hurts like hell. I was dating this girl for 2 years, and since the last 6 months She was having an affair, both physical and emotional ( though she claims she did not sleep with him) I found out about it through her messenger and in 4 hours my world came crashing down. I confronted her and left ( we live in different cities) since then she has been begging for forgiveness ( its been a week) but the pictures of them together keeps coming into my head.. i was ready to settle down with this one and we were perfect but this has made me doubt everything i liked about her. She would actually be texting him when we were on a date. The other guy was very disrespectful, kept asking for sex but she d turn him down, however never rebuked him and kept asking for his company.. I dont know what would ve happened if this had escalated without me finding out..
1) How long shd i wait to decide what to do?
2) will i ever fall in love with her again, I still care for her?
3) Its easy to say dump her but harder to do..
4) Should I meet her and if yes, what questions should i ask, I have spent enough time crying over this and dont want to do that again..
5) shd we be in touch ??

Missed a fact: she ll be moving to the opposite coast of the country for 3 yrsso we will have a long distance if it works out.. i am a forgiving person but forgetting seems so much harder..

k94ever posted 6/1/2013 11:15 AM

Dear Innocence,

Welcome to the last place you thought you'd ever be.

Yaknow.....I'm thinking you dodged a bullet with this girl. She likes the security of being in a relationship with someone but the excitement of being chased after by someone else. It really sounds like she's just not ready for a real relationship.

She's showing you she can't be trusted. Believe her.

Yes....your heart will be broken, but better now when you aren't married than later when you are. Perhaps it's time to let her go. Three years apart will be too tempting for her.

k9

Sal1995 posted 6/1/2013 11:23 AM

She would actually be texting him when we were on a date.

Sorry you are here innonence. Unfortunately this is extremely common. My wife would text/sext the OM literally in my presence, once when I was sitting right next to her. It's sick, but affair behavior doesn't come from a healthy mindset.

Yaknow.....I'm thinking you dodged a bullet with this girl. She likes the security of being in a relationship with someone but the excitement of being chased after by someone else. It really sounds like she's just not ready for a real relationship.

She's showing you she can't be trusted. Believe her.

What k94 said. Excellent advice. Take my word for it, it's much better to discover this now than after 17 years of marriage and 4 children.

Three years apart will be too tempting for her.

That's a no-brainer. She couldn't fight off the temptation when she was with you, so the chances of her doing so when she's 2,500 miles away are somewhere between slim and none.

The pain of breaking up with this girl now will only be a fraction of the pain of being betrayed when she's your wife and you have children, a home, and a long history together.

Best wishes.

innocencelost30 posted 6/1/2013 11:29 AM

Thanks for the kind words.. I keep thinking about this as well, but then there is the uncertainty of the future as well. Does it matter they did not have sex but did do stuff ?? also , Do long distance relationship really work ??
She has been apologizing like crazy, crying and all, i am trying to stay away but it breaks my eart to see her like this..
I actually took pictures of their texts to keep reminding me of what happened and log into her fb/email on and off.. Hav e to stop doing that first before I heal.. Shd I meet her.. this was the first serious relationship for me.. thats why i am still trying to cling..
She kept flirting a lot with guys and promises me she wont do it further.. ( I am looking for reasons to take her back but rationally dont want to..)
sorry for rambling ..

CallMeRed1 posted 6/1/2013 11:34 AM

I am sorry you find yourself here but very gently I think you have been offered the gift of freedom and should grab it with both hands and run.

Don't end up thinking you can "change her" like I did with my ex. I am now divorced with 3 small children to look after on my own...

Find someone who cares enough about you to make you a priority, not an option.

I know it hurts like hell... but it will be so much easier to move on now and find someone more considerate, than if you get married etc.

Time heals... it really does.

[This message edited by CallMeRed1 at 11:35 AM, June 1st (Saturday)]

TrustGone posted 6/1/2013 11:38 AM

I agree that if she is going to be gone for 3yrs, it is best to end it now. Long distance realtionships are hard enough without infedelity thrown into the mix. It sounds like she is not mature enough for a monogamous relationship at this time. It is best to cut your losses at this point and let her go or you will be in for a world of hurt down the road. BTDT. I know it is hard to let her go, but that is my advice to you. I have been married twice to two different cheaters and I wished someone would have told me to run both times. Now I have spent the last 30yrs being cheated on and lied to. Had I left XWH#1 when he first started cheating my life would have turned out so differently. Instead we got married and had two kids and he continued to cheat off and on (ONS/EA) for the next 20+yrs. I jumped out of the frying pan and into the oven with WH#2. He took it to a whole new level and had a 3yr LTA after 5yrs of marriage and his first wife had chaeted on him too, so I thought I was safe when I married him. The truth is you have to keep your eyes open to how people really are. There is no easy answers when it comes to infedelity. R is a long, hard road with lots of ups and downs. Do you really want to be dealing with this 2-5yrs down the road?? She has already shown you what she is capable of, believe her. Wishing you much luck!!

Dawn58 posted 6/1/2013 11:49 AM

Dear Innocencelost,

So sorry you are here. You are not alone in your pain, confusion, betrayal and anger.

I confronted my soon to be ex-husband six months ago. Unlike your girlfriend, he had no remorse and chose to be with his mistress.

First off, take care of yourself. You have been hit with a mack truck, the shock hasn't even worn off yet. I met with him a couple of times after I confronted him and he used that opportunity to tell me what a horrible person I was, how I never loved him, took advantage of him (he was blaming me for the end of the marriage, no mention of the affair or that he broke the vows!). They call this gaslighting.

He appeared to be on the fence - not sure if he had found someone he could love - they call this cake eating. Kept me on the fence just in case things did not work out with his mistress.

This may or may not happen if you talk to her, just be prepared in case it does.

Know that this is not your fault!!! It's her and her broken psyche, not you.

It's a difficult time and I know for me, my actions were ones of survival. I know for me, as much as I loved the man I thought I married, I devoted myself to him and built my world around my marriage, that trust was forever broken. Would I want to be with a man that lied and cheated on me? The answer for me, was no.

I did not know it at the time, but the WS was texting her while we were in bed together. (He did that for two mornings and then I got curious - he left the house to get his car washed, got into his computer and found that morning's text message). After he was done texting her, he flopped his computer closed and asked me to rub his back.........

Take care of yourself - there were moments when all I could do was just breath through the pain.

You have so much support here - post often!!

Take care!

Hugs!

Dawn

Twitchy posted 6/1/2013 12:20 PM

I'm with K9. When someone shows you, through their actions, who they really are, believe it.

Think of how disrespectful it was to be texting this guy when you were on a date. F' that noise.

Find your anger and cut her loose. The future is bold, beautiful undiscovered country. Strap on your hiking boots and go discover it.

OnceInALifetime posted 6/1/2013 12:23 PM

When you're drawn to try and reconcile, you're thinking of the woman you thought you knew and trusted.

That amount of secrecy and lying and disrespect shows a profound lack of character. She cannot become a new person overnight. She is who she is, and now you have the unpleasant reality shock of that discovery.

I chose not to digest the reality of my girlfriend's character when I discovered she cheated on me. 20 years and two children later I discovered she was unfaithful for years during our marriage. Now we're divorced and I'm her work mule.

Get angry. This woman treated you like shit. I say her remorse is bull. If her conscience was well-developed, she wouldn't have cheated to begin with, right?

Move on. You can do much, much better.

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 12:26 PM, June 1st (Saturday)]

Happydays posted 6/1/2013 13:27 PM

Hi @innocencelost30,
Sorry you found us.

Yes it is easy for me to say...RUN.
It is difficult to DO that for you.
We can understand.

You have sit down and decide for yourself as to what you want after this.

You're lucky to see what she can do before the agonising 3 years long distance romance starts.

Do you really want to keep guessing what she must be doing at the other end of the country? For another 3 years?
Trust me that's not easy.

I had a long distance relation in my college days and my then GF found it difficult to choose between me and a pursuing OM. She cheated. She was nice girl really, but, when things go out of hand , there's no stopping them really.

Long distance realtionships are hard enough without infedelity thrown into the mix. It sounds like she is not mature enough for a monogamous relationship at this time. It is best to cut your losses at this point and let her go or you will be in for a world of hurt down the road

^^^^^ this all the way^^^^^^

It's best that you talk it out with your GF. Part in a decent, civil, amicable way. That will reduce the hurt.

Watch the movie "Road trip" if you can.

The pain of breaking up with this girl now will only be a fraction of the pain of being betrayed when she's your wife and you have children, a home, and a long history together.

Couldn't have said it better.

It will be much easier for you to call the shots now, rather than being cheated again and again.

Best of luck.

Mack25 posted 6/1/2013 13:44 PM

If she is doing this now, it will only get worst after being married for years. Throw in kids, forgt about it. Sorry to be so blunt but I would cut my losses now. She will likely get very bored with marriage and do more.

1Faith posted 6/1/2013 13:46 PM

I can feel your broken heart! I know that ache. We all do. I can't express how sorry I am you are going through this, but I can tell you, it will get better. It is so hard to find your happiness again, but you can. It's out there. You just don't know what it looks like yet.

Finding a good therapist is a strong step forward to healing. Sometimes, just the act of reaching out for help empowers you. You began that road when you posted here. You can't just "get over it". You gotta work through it. This is a very safe and compassionate place to be as you work through it all.

Your girlfriend's decision to cheat has nothing to do with you. There is no excuse for infidelity. When I first decided to take back control of my own happiness after DDay, I used this mantra: Hold your head up, be strong, you did nothing wrong!

Writing here is very cathartic. Sometimes just typing your thoughts helps you process the mess. It can bring a little clarity to a completely unclear and unbelievable situation. Plus, this place is just full of very kind and caring people that totally get it!

Please remember to take care of you. This kind of pain takes a wicked toll on the body and soul.

hatefulnow posted 6/1/2013 15:42 PM

Run Forrest RUN!!!

mainlyinpain posted 6/1/2013 15:56 PM

You need to know that what you are feeling now may lessen but will never end. It could be years from now and this pain will come back and whack you on the head. Of course she is crying now, is sorry now, but how did she feel a few weeks ago? Was she sad for you then, did she cry then? The best indicator of future actions are past actions, believe me, I know. Please, give yourself a chance at a good relationship, get out while the getting is good. She may try to trap you by getting pregnant (has happened in stories here). I am so sorry for your pain and hurt, you do not deserve to have been treated this way. I hope you are able to let this go and find a new relationship with a good person who you can love and more importantly, know you can trust, who wouldn't dream of hurting you. Good luck. Please learn from our bad stories of DD1, DD2, DD3, etc.

innocencelost30 posted 6/2/2013 07:13 AM

Good morning all !! thanks for all the kind words. However, I still cant stop looking for reasons to try to reconcile, any success stories out there as well? most of the time during the day I keep thinking I wont be able to but then there is a " glimmer of hope" in my head.. and its this conflict which keeps me up and makes me cry frequently.. I did and may be do still love her and thought she was perfect and up unto today ) 1 week exactly) she has shown signs of major remorse over what happened. I may sound like a sucker for thinking about getting back but better do it here than anywhere else... We both arent very religious but do believe in god.. Does this feeling pass away too.. I am scared I wouldnt meet anyone like her again because m not from this country and the odds of meeting someone with similar upbringing and cultural chemistry is so low.. there starts the conflict again :( I keep thinking they never had sex and she was genunely trying to end it but couldnt say no completely.. but why should even tht have happened... We are both indians and the families are involved and know each other as well.. practically married.. and I dont know how to explain the situation to my family and not mention the affair..

[This message edited by innocencelost30 at 7:31 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)]

OnceInALifetime posted 6/2/2013 07:52 AM

I suggest taking a hard, discompassionate look at her seeming remorse. What brings it on? Simply seeing the pain she brought upon you? Was that so difficult for her to imagine while she was living a double life? Or is it a desire to avoid shame? Or perhaps she's someone who wants to cake eat. We can't answer that question, but you may not be well-equipped to answer it either.

When I discovered my girlfriend had cheated, hell and high water weren't going to prevent me from marrying her anyway. I felt like the roots were so deep, that she really did love me, and yes, silly me, even at that young age I worried that I'd never find someone else.

In retrospect, that was all very naive of me.

innocencelost30 posted 6/12/2013 12:35 PM

update time: I feel a lot better and clearer since two weeks ago, I tried to meet her to get some closure but this girl is devastated, crying and I could not bear to ask her the complete questions, So I resorted to emails, and after a lot of back and forth, She accepted full responsilbility of the affair, said she only kissed him because she was drunk, nothing physical since, but she could not turn him away from asking her for finishing what he started, she attributes it to her low self esteem and her pathetic self.. she is willing to work on us now.. She also started to tell me about possibiolities of sexual abuse when she was a child and she has never really opened up to anyone including her family.. Now I am stuck, everyday I keep changing my minds every two minutes about how to proceed, I dont want to not lend her a ear to unburden her because i still care ofr her as a human being, but i am still not sure if i shd reconcile, I know I shd not make this decision till atleat the initial shock is over but she moves away in 2 weeks and I feel obligated to meet her and may be listen to her side of the story.. She agreed to see a counseller after I speak with her but nopt before. and her family called me as well, apologizing for what she did, I lover her family as my own so I couldnt tell them my exact feelings.. any thoughts?? am I crazy to think like this?? do these things ever work out?? can ppl really change if they try hard? Should I delete the evidence i have against her because I keep looking at it every day ? Should I stop checking her emails and fb, I asked her to change the password but she wont?? Thanks for all your good thoughts and prayers, i feel so much better than two weeks ago but still break down occasionally...

champ posted 6/13/2013 07:44 AM

You dodge the bullet with her. don't jump in front of it again. 6 months from now you will have healed and moved on.

sailorgirl posted 6/13/2013 08:21 AM

She also started to tell me about possibilities of sexual abuse when she was a child

Innocence,

She needs major help and long term counseling. Being abused as a child has far reaching consequences. It affected my husband in many hidden ways, and led directly to his affair after 12 years of happy marriage and three children.

Victims of child abuse need years of professional support in order to become survivors and eventually, thrivers. Without counseling from an IC with experience in childhood sexual abuse, your girlfriend is prone to coping with stress in unhealthy ways, and hurting the people she loves.

For example, she obviously has weak personal boundaries. Abuse as a child teaches you that you don't have the right to say "No". It teaches you that you are responsible for other people's feelings, which makes you very susceptible to emotional manipulators. Low self-esteem is another common problem that may have made her easy prey for a flatterer.

I would suggest that you end your romantic relationship with her and let her focus on herself. She should not date anyone seriously until she goes through a lot of counseling and reading about her situation. I'm sure she is a lovely girl, but she is damaged and must heal herself before she can be a safe person for you to love and trust.

Very best wishes and keep posting!

sailorgirl posted 6/13/2013 08:27 AM

she attributes it to her low self esteem and her pathetic self.. she is willing to work on us now..

(gently) She can not work on "us" until she heals herself. You can not have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person.

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