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Newest Member: jnl0830 (45752)

User Topic: an update on where i am at
Alyssamd24
♀ 39005
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So BH and I have each started IC recently. I don't know much about what his experience has been thus far, but overall mine has been very helpful. My C is helping me figure out what my issues were in my M along with other stuff. BH and I went on a date last night and talked a lot....I think that now he is going to IC we are finally going to start talking about the A more and dealing with it which is something we haven't done yet...I have found from reading this site that many of the feelings and actions that are common in many BS are things my own BH has not done. I think he has been pushing a lot of it away and not dealing with it but am hoping now he will. One thing he mentioned is he is afraid to really think about it cuz he is afraid of what he may say/do. I think he needs to get it out cuz I deserve whatever he says.
I am a little unsure of what I should be doing at this point....do I try to get him to talk or just let him go at his own pace? I don't want too push him but also don't want him to think I don't care...

[This message edited by Alyssamd24 at 11:12 AM, June 1st (Saturday)]


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 911 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
grains
♂ 32590
Member # 32590
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is always hard to talk about the affair but it is important and helpful for both parties to talk about it together. It will be painful and unpleasant but necessary and helpful. People are willing to talk at different stages. Please allow them that space but always invite them in a non-threatening way to talk about it if they are ready. This lets your partner know that you are focused on healing your marriage and making amends. I have learned that avoiding the topic can give the impression that one does not care about the relationship and the damage that was done. You are right when you said:

"I don't want too push him but also don't want him to think I don't care..."

Be strong and good luck in your healing.


WH 60
BS 50
No Children
Together 17 years
Married 7/21/2001
D-day 03/01/2011

Posts: 313 | Registered: Jun 2011
Mrs Panda
♀ 27303
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Start by apologizing. Ask him waht he needs.

My BH was not "typical" either. Didn't want details, didn't want to talk about it.

But he did deal with it, and his anger came out later. See, he didn't want to be angry at me. He didn't want to hate me. And when he thought about the A, or talked about it, it hurt too much. He loved me and wanted to protect me from his own anger.

The fact that your BH is in IC is a big deal.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
BaxtersBFF
♂ 26859
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One thing he mentioned is he is afraid to really think about it cuz he is afraid of what he may say/do. I think he needs to get it out cuz I deserve whatever he says.

I agree with Mrs. Panda when it comes to the first part of your post quoted above.

On the second part though, you say you think he needs to let it out because it's what you think you deserve rather than what he needs. You may not have meant it how it reads, but being aware of little things, little inflections, unintentional words, sometimes shows that we have another thing to work on. It seems like you still aren't respecting what your BH wants or his concerns, and you're making his needs about you.

That's how I'm reading it anyway...


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6103 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Alyssamd24
♀ 39005
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Baxter,
I see how it could be interpreted that way but didn't mean it like that...it is similar to what Mrs Panda said...he has told me he is afraid to let his anger out because he doesn't want to hurt me or hate me....but I want him to be able to let those feelings come out because I think it will help him heal.....by saying it's what I deserve I simply meant that I realize that I have hurt and angered him and should listen to what he has to say....I hope that makes a little more sense cuz I really wasn't trying to make it about me.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 911 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
knightsbff
♀ 36853
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alyssa,
My BH has frequently been hesitant to talk about his feelings and what he's going through due to my A. When I asked him about this he would say it wouldn't do any good and it would send me into a downward spiral.

I think he was right that in the beginning I was so consumed with guilt, shame, and self hatred that I would take any excuse to go into a downward spiral. That was making things all about me even though I was verbally encouraging him to express his feelings.

Now I am mindful to focus on him when he is sharing. I have stopped reacting to his pain with panic or hopelessness and am focused on listening and working to understand his feelings. I think before I was focused on finding solutions which won't work here because he has to work through his feelings and healing on his own.

Now that I am working on being a safe place for my BH to share he does so more and more. He also appreciates that I share with him without having to be interrogated.

I think he needs to get it out cuz I deserve whatever he says.
I think I understand what you mean here, but I also agree with BBFF. Let your hearing him come from a place of love and caring for him rather than a place of sacrifice because of your guilt.

It's good you are both in IC.

do I try to get him to talk or just let him go at his own pace?
I think it's good to encourage him to talk without pushing him. Let him know it helps you to be able to talk with him about what he's going through. It's an opportunity for you to show empathy and love.

Edit to fix typos as usual.

[This message edited by knightsbff at 2:36 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)]


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1509 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Topic Posts: 6

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