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FightingBack posted 6/1/2013 18:09 PM

I don't think I can do this anymore. It's OK when I block it from my mind. I can forget for awhile but it always comes back. It usually comes back when I begin to feel that maybe this can work.

WH seems happy. As long as we don't talk about it he is fine. I send him emails. The last one almost begged him to talk to me about the A. It has been 18 months now. We haven't talked for awhile, and when we did it was me who did most of the talking. And all of the crying. He acts like nothing ever happened, or if it did, it's over now and he " loves me more than I know".

I can't fake happiness anymore. I don't think I'll ever feel happiness again. When I tell him that I need help from him, he becomes distant.

I don't think I want to live like this. I'm not suicidal, but if I was told I didn't have long to live, I don't think I'd care.

mainlyinpain posted 6/1/2013 18:22 PM

So sorry you are feeling so bad right now. MY WH has also been in affair with same woman off and on for almost fifteen years. This is a tough one. Are you in counseling? Can you have scheduled talk times with your husband and can you ask him why he becomes distant when you ask for help? I know this is the worst feeling, when you are feeling desperate and you go to WH for help and he doesn't help it is the lowest of lows. Care about living though! Care about your beautiful children and what you mean to them. Take care of yourself and you will feel stronger. Sometimes we want help from someone, anyone but we only have ourselves (and our friends here).

shiloe posted 6/1/2013 18:51 PM

He has an affair for 15 yrs.?? And now doesn’t want to talk to you about it? Honestly!! Holy Sh*t
And from what I read in your profile, he blamed you for it “not talking about his work stress”. So I guess using that logic . . . you would be entitled to go out and have an affair now. But he knows you would never do that. Wow. I don’t know how you do it. I know you love him. You would not still be there if you did not. But, he just does not GET IT. He worked with this woman every day and met her in a hotel once a week. Sorry if I am blunt, he had to have some feelings for her. He will never tell you that. Minimize it, damage control. She was his other “wife”. I am sorry; I call them as I see them.
You have been severely traumatized. You are on a long and agonized journey. How to come to terms with an affair is so hard for us faithful women, but that long of one? You are my age. Not a good time to start over. We are getting older and our psych has been damaged by betrayal. I know there are not a lot of options at this stage of life. Even if he does start to talk, do you think it will make you feel better?? He just wants you to forget about it? That is just wrong. He needs to man up. You are severely depressed (I know how it goes), it is going to take a long time to process this LTA. Do you have children together? Add up all the hours he spent bonding with this MOW and he should talk about everything you want to talk about for twice that amount of time.
Only you know what you can take and can’t take anymore. There comes a point when you need to say “enough”. He has never really had any consequence to his LTA other than dealing with your pain. And he doesn’t even try to proactively do that.
I am truly sorry. Wish I had some awesome words to help you. You need to reach inside and find some strength to stand up and like you name - Fight back. Don’t let him and her steal your joy in life. Infidelity sickens the soul. You will never be able to fully "block" it from you mind.

Undone1 posted 6/1/2013 19:16 PM

ahhh (((Fightingback))) I totally understand! It's when you start to feel vulnerable and begin to step one foot in that it all comes rushing back to you. I am in the same place! My WH is the same, as long as no one brings it up, we are happy/in love and content and I can fight the thoughts for only so long and then I can't any longer.

I don't know about you, but I am in both MC and IC to work thru the horrific fear that comes along with trying to trust again, with trying to understand what happened. Although my WH had a LTA of 3 years, he had a ONS and a 1 year (6 times) A with an woman he met thru his work. It hurts so much!

You have to take care of yourself emotionally. There is no one to do that for you. Your WH can reassure you, but ultimately you have to fight the demons of their A. It hurts! Taking care of myself emotionally means spending time with girl friends, writing in my journal, reading, praying, meditating, running, etc. Recently I read "Goodbye Prince Charming: The Journey Back from Disenchantment" and it was helpful.

I was where you were with not wanting to wake up, but not really being suicidal. It scared me and I went to my doc to get an anti-anxiety and an anti-depressant. That helped.

I found a BAN group in my area and started attending those meetings once a month. More info on their support groups:

I also listened to some podcasts everyday that were recommended by someone on SI. They were helpful when I had thoughts of their A:!ut/p/c4/FcpBCsMgEEDRs-QAwyAkOnYXor1Ca3eDGVIhahCbXr8Nf_f4-MJ_hc-0cU-18I5PDFFKl3bjz5oqnGmVio_rOxpvmTGUCpHjWy7j1lPcBYPz1iyT86Ct1qCUVzDb0QERTUYZM95pwSNn-s7D8AN76O4U/

I know you will find your way. You are a strong brave woman!

webmistress posted 6/1/2013 22:58 PM

I agree with Undone about te BAN meetings. Those, along with IC really helped keep me sane during the first year. A low dose antidepressant can also help keep the mood swings a bit more manageable.

heartache101 posted 6/1/2013 23:15 PM

If you cant do it then dont.
Separate get your financials together go to a lawyer. If he cant give you whatnyou need to heal then by all means take the next step.

After 25 years you deserve to be told whatever you need.

0115 posted 6/2/2013 00:40 AM


I try to follow your story because of the similarities to mine. (My fWH had a 12 year A).

Has your husband done any of his work?? It doesn't sound like it. Does he go to IC or has he attended any seminar or retreat? There is one called Man of Honor and another called Healing for Couples. I went to one just for betrayed spouses and it helped me immensely. These are all on the Beyond Affairs Network website.

Just from what you say it sounds like he is living in he stopped so everything should be OK. Something is wrong with this picture and its not YOU! Stay strong and let him know he has to do the heavy lifting. These uncomfortable conversations he doesn't want to have?...they're called consequences for his actions. Man up buddy!!!

Hugs to you!

catlover50 posted 6/2/2013 04:45 AM


I recently read a book called Hold Me Tight that someone here recommended. It talks about our absolute need for an emotional bond with our mate and our need to feel safe in our relationship. You have neither, and it is impossible. I would suggest you read this book; it would be great if your WH would read it too, but....

I'm so sorry.

traditoperanni posted 6/2/2013 11:45 AM

I agree with all here. We are in MC and part of the R is FULL disclosure.
Also, we are learning how to talk to each other and listen to each other.
My fwh finds it uncomfortable to talk about it outside the MC environment but we are taking little steps doing that. If my fwh was unwilling to do that it would be a deal breaker.
If you are not in MC I strongly urge you to do so and let the MC know what you want from your WH.
He needs to man up and do whatever he needs to do to help you R.
Demand a timeline, have him write it out for you. You need this, I know - I did and it has helped. He also better understand that it is going to take a a long time for you to heal if he won't
talk about it. You deserve better.
Demand it.
Take care.

sisoon posted 6/2/2013 12:41 PM

I suspect you're in anguish now because you block the A from your mind.

The A is a giant betrayal. For most people, that means you have feelings of terrible grief, anger, and fear. Recovering is possible if you feel the feelings and let them go. If you block them, you have to use energy to do the blocking, and the feelings fester and grow worse the more they're ignored.

Your H's Honesty, answering your questions, being with you while you have your feelings could help, but he has to stop rug-sweeping.

No matter what his religious beliefs are, your H won't heal himself, and he won't be able to help you, unless he owns what he's done and works to make changes in himself - but that's the opposite of the rug-sweeping he's doing now.

IC could help you. MC could help, if your H sees the necessity of changing.

It could be, though, that your H won't change unless you show the way. I suggest identifying your requirements for R (The Healing Library could help here) and seeing how your H responds. An MC or joint IC session could be useful in getting your H to see the importance of meeting your requirements.


FightingBack posted 6/2/2013 16:39 PM

Thank you all for your thoughts and suggestions. To answer some of your questions, we did do MC for about a year with two different MCs. We did a lot of talking during that time. Neither of us are in IC as we have used up the therapy budget.

There is no BAN group in our area. I even emailed them, offering to start one, but never got a response

I believe I have had full disclosure. What I'm asking for right now is answered to those nagging questions about the small nuances re their relationship. I feel I need to know these details although I am afraid they may send me into a tailspin. I guess I harp on the emotional side of the A. I find it hard to accept that there was none.

If he didn't love her and he didn't love me, then how could he have been happy in himself. And if he truly cared for me during that time, how could he never have thought about how this could destroy me?

I asked him today if he would say the same things about how much he regrets the A and how much he loves me, if she were here in the room with us. I told him I would love it if he wrote to her one last time and tell her that he regrets nothing more than their A, that he will dedicate himself to making things right with me, that he never loved her despite the fact that he led her to believe that he did, that he hates what they had together and that he feels so fortunate that I love him enough to forgive him. I want to hear him say that their "love" was toxic, and cruel and selfish and false. And that it made him betray his own morals and integrity.

Of course he will never do this, but I wish he would want to.

I think our biggest problem is that neither of us knows what to do next. He is so certain that he would never go down that path again, but he would have said that before thenA as well. It frightens me that he is so sure.

I'm sorry that I am all over the map.

Itsgoingtobeok posted 6/2/2013 17:57 PM

Fighting -I feel your pain! My WW tells me very little about her "A" . I just asked her yesterday and she told this"I told you everything about the A's . " She get defensive and does not to talk about it. I believe she doesn't want to own up to it . It does make it very diffcult to heal or trust if your WS does'nt come clean on any question you have

FightingBack posted 6/2/2013 18:36 PM


I believe you are right. Not only does it make it difficult, I think it makes healing impossible.

FightingBack posted 6/2/2013 18:37 PM

By the way,

Traditoperanni , I asked him for a timeline 17 months ago,

sinsof thefather posted 6/3/2013 00:42 AM

FightingBack, this is just a suggestion, and I know it's a risk, but if you have used up the therapy budget and IC is out of the question right now, would you feel comfortable with your husband joining SI?

I do know this is not a decision to take lightly. Some people have had some really bad experiences with this - losing their own 'safe' place themselves - and that is something you have to think very seriously about. But if you fear you really cannot go on like this, would you be prepared to take that risk? Some people have had much success with it.

As he is not in IC and you are not getting through to him I really do fear that he's just trying to last you out on the questions and everything else too. He's still putting himself first and foremost and is hoping you'll just give up and move on. He's giving no thought to your healing process at all. He is only prepared to try to 'nice' you forward.

He needs a really serious wake up call imo - I can't see him just suddenly changing of his own accord. If he's not even made the effort to make a time-line after 17 months of asking, I don't think he's got any intention of doing it at all.

At the moment having no budget for IC is a cop-out for him. Do you think your husband could be persuaded to post if you really lay down the law to him - made him see just how serious you really are? It would certainly show if the 'budget' is the real reason he isn't in IC. It would show just how willing he really is or whether the budget is just another excuse for him. He really could do with the clarity of the veterans of wayward thread too, or the clarity of a really good IC, because he just does not get it yet and is doing nothing to help you heal. If he really wants to help your healing - here's a way to PROVE it. Right now, he just wants you to get over it and move on.

I'm really sorry to be so blunt, and I fear I may have hurt you with my words and I am sincerely sorry if I have - but I really do feel for you and I just can't see *him* changing without something else drastically changing first. If you don't want him here (and that's perfectly understandable if you want to keep this place as YOUR safe place) I still think he has to be forced to change because left as it is, I doubt he will do anything himself except to carry on rugsweeping and I think it will eat you up eventually. You really are in my thoughts. (((FightingBack)))

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 12:50 AM, June 3rd (Monday)]

FightingBack posted 6/3/2013 09:16 AM


Bluntness is what I need, and please don't be sorry for your suggestion. It's a good one. In fact, one of my requirements for R is that he either joins SI or finds a way for IC.
He has joined SI, but has never posted. m

Often I send him threads that are significant to us. He reads them, prints them and files them. Rarely have we discussed any.

I fear you are right regarding the timeline. I did send him a list of questions a few weeks ago and he has answered two of them.

He hasn't had or made the time to refer to it since. Last night he said he is always trying to find a way to make things better. I told him that I have clearly told him what I needed, and he said. "What are those things again?"

sinsof thefather posted 6/3/2013 09:42 AM

I fear you are right regarding the timeline. I did send him a list of questions a few weeks ago and he has answered two of them.

He hasn't had or made the time to refer to it since.

He's simply ignoring it. He only answered the two he did (probably the easiest ones) to keep you quiet.

Last night he said he is always trying to find a way to make things better. I told him that I have clearly told him what I needed, and he said. "What are those things again?"

This answer verges on being just plain insulting. FightingBack, this level of selfishness is quite breathtaking. He's not forgetful - he's just ignoring you. After a 15 year affair, he's lucky you are even there, and the very least he could do is explain himself. But it all comes back to his selfishness again - because he doesn't *want* to have to explain it to you - and he thinks he can last you out.

I don't know what you are going to do - but I just don't think left to his own devices he is going to do ANYTHING. He's not even paying good lip service to it.

I fear in the end it's going to come down to what are you prepared to do to wake him up, or what you are prepared to (or can) live with. But I do think it will be you who has to make any changes happen.


[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 10:33 AM, June 3rd (Monday)]

FightingBack posted 6/3/2013 11:00 AM

I know It is up to me. I just don't know what I can do. I can't bear the thought of being without him, yet being with him is so painful.

Our relationship is better than it has been in years. (obviously because there are only two of us in it now).

Our communication has improved, we are much more open (me included) and definitely more honest.

Making love is a joy for me having been neglected and rejected for so long, but sometimes afterward, I lie there awake, thinking about him doing all those same things with her that I had once thought were so special to us, that I have to get up and get away from him. I sometimes sleep in a spare room afterward because I just can't stand the images in my head.

He loved me always, he says, and never loved her, but for all of those years, he chose her to be his confident, friend and lover. The power of that relationship caused him to risk everything. Our marriage, our beautiful family, his reputation, our financial stability and even his business. I still don't get it. If it was just sex without love, how did it stay fresh and exciting for over half our marriage?

Is this normal to feel this way at this point in recovery?

[This message edited by FightingBack at 11:06 AM, June 3rd (Monday)]

sisoon posted 6/3/2013 11:04 AM

I can't bear the thought of being without him, yet being with him is so painful.

Wow.... You may be saying that the pleasure outweighs the pain, but you could be saying that you're in it for the pain, or you're deep into co-dependence or....

If you're not in IC, start. If you're in IC, consider a new IC.

You deserve so much better than you're giving yourself.....

FightingBack posted 6/3/2013 13:44 PM

I feel better today. Because today I hate him.

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