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False R?

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Uneek posted 6/1/2013 18:40 PM

"pre-d day" (when he told me he wasn't attracted to me and was thinking of divorce) was in November.

D-Day, when I found out about his crush on a coworker, was in Feb. We've been in counseling since then.

I've been feeling for a while that something else was up. I thought he'd broken NC, but today I finally found out (and do feel like I have all the information) that he's continued indulging in a fetish that I thought he stopped years ago, and that for the past two years he's been pleasuring himself to porn 1-2 times weekly without my knowledge.

So, that qualifies as false R?

roughroadahead posted 6/1/2013 18:43 PM

What were your boundaries for the fetish and porn going into R?

Uneek posted 6/1/2013 19:07 PM

I haven't even thought about the fetish in...8 years? It's been so long. And porn has always been a no in our relationship. I didn't realize he needed reminding about that.

tired girl posted 6/1/2013 22:41 PM

A couple of questions, and I am not trying to piss you off, I am trying to get a sense of where this issue lies for the two of you.

Who decided no on the porn?
And is there a reason such as he is a SA?

Uneek posted 6/1/2013 23:14 PM

TG, no worries. I'm blunt and very direct, which often gets mistaken as being pissed. Right now the only person pissing me off doesn't post on SI.

the no porn was decided years ago, before we were even married, by us both. I can't even remember the conversation. At the time, we were both committed Christians and didn't feel that it would be good for our marriage. I'll be honest - for me it's a bit of an insecurity - if you're seeing those girls, why would you want me?

Since then, he has changed his beliefs to atheism, so perhaps that's why he felt it was ok? I don't really know. To my knowledge he is not a SA.

My big issue here is that he seems to have replaced me with porn. He was jacking off to the porn so he didn't have to have sex with me. A few weeks ago, his excuse for why we rarely have sex is that he couldn't get it up. Turns out he can get it up, he just doesn't want to (or can't) with me.

[This message edited by Uneek at 11:15 PM, June 1st (Saturday)]

tired girl posted 6/1/2013 23:57 PM

Ok,sometimes this is a very touchy subject so I didn't want to offend.

Have you tried sitting down and having a very open and hones discussion with him about this where you are not defensive?

Are you able to be open about this subject matter with him at all or is porn in your M a deal breaker?

Uneek posted 6/2/2013 00:01 AM

This all came out about 20 minutes before he had to go to work, so no, we haven't been able to have a discussion. That's planned for when he gets home, in about 3 hours.

I don't know if I'm open to it. For two years he's been using that instead of me. For at least 6 months, I've thought the issue was there was something wrong with *me* you know? If he were able to say "you weren't around and I had a need," then fine. But as he told me today, he had the urge to have sex this morning...but it wasn't about being attracted to me, it was just about needing to have sex, to have that release. Wouldn't have mattered who it was.

I guess what it comes down to is I feel like he's having an affair with the porn.

tired girl posted 6/2/2013 00:23 AM

Did he say he would rather use the porn than to be with you?

What is intimacy like between you two? Do the two of you have trouble?

honesttoafault posted 6/2/2013 00:45 AM

Was the "crush" a PA or a EA?

From what you are saying, he seems to be using porn as a barrier to intimacy. This is something that needs to be addressed.

You do need talk with him and perhaps MC might be helpful to help you guys communicate about what the problem might be

Uneek posted 6/2/2013 00:49 AM

We are talking tonight and have MC tomorrow morning. It was originally scheduled for me to be able to tell him I didn't trust him, etc., to share how my head got fucked up by everything. Looks like now we'll be dealing with this instead.

The crush was a one sided EA.

Six months ago he told me I wasn't attractive and he didn't want to have sex with me. We started into therapy, he told me that he was wrong, it was the depression that caused him to lose his desire, he was attracted to me again, yay. Today, he told me that he actually is not attracted to me and he'd rather use the porn than be with me. He told me that in IC this morning, he was asked "when was the last time you were attracted to your wife" and his response was sometime last summer. In the meantime, I've been asking if he is attracted, why aren't we having sex? He said because he just has no desire to have sex at all, with anyone.

[This message edited by Uneek at 12:50 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)]

honesttoafault posted 6/2/2013 01:19 AM

This is deeper than it seems. MC is probably the safest place to discuss what is going on.

It sounds like it's something personally within him and he may need to go to IC. He needs to learn to communicate what is bothering him instead of just withdrawing from you.

Knowing posted 6/2/2013 07:04 AM

I read your profile Uneek. Marital strife is not an excuse to have an A. I hope you have a good MC session today.

You've been putting up with your WS's version of ILYBINILWY for a long time. I hope you get to the bottom of this and the two of you are able to open up the lines of communication.

Porn, switching his religious beliefs and re-writing marital history to excuse an A are part of what looks like a slippery slope for your WS.

Althea posted 6/2/2013 07:12 AM

Using porn as a replacement for sex and intimacy was a problem in our relationship and directly related to the same behavior that eventually led to my WH cheating. He started with a couple of one sided EA's (he developed crushes on friends and kissed them) and the porn. Two years later after intimacy and sex had improved a lot for us, he had a PA.

In my WH's case he has a history of CSA and sex is a really difficult area. Porn in some ways was safer because he had total control. I always had the feeling that when we did have sex, that I could have been anyone. Very little foreplay and he always initiated. Not very satisfying to say the least, and I always felt like not enough. I'm not saying that your WH has something similar, but I do agree that it sounds like porn is blocking intimacy and he is using it as some kind of crutch. There are ways to have inappropriate relationships with things like porn without rising to the level of SA. This is something he should get into IC for though.

heartache101 posted 6/2/2013 07:28 AM

I am sorry you are here.
Look I just can't wrap my head around his statement.
I am not attracted to you.
Ok dude pack your bags an hit the road would be my comment. Wait till his arse gets old and fat and big belly no hair and all that comes with age. Men age they are not a time capsule!

Read on here about how to 180 him. Don't talk to him!
If a person loves you they will lift you up and make you feel good about yourself! So now he is not doing this you need to lift yourself up! Don't be home when he is home! Find yourself a hobby or 2 or 3! Whatever makes you feel good!
Owe and keep an eye on finances. Make copies of everything and go to a lawyer see what your options are be informed.
NOONE deserves to be treated like this!
Owe and not to get all religious here but if your marriage started out with GOD in your lives what made him decide to be an Atheist? Is he really an Atheist? Or just full of it!?
Work on you and you grow stronger. Don't address him unless you are in counseling. Right now all he wants to do is hurt you emotionally.
I am sorry..

Uneek posted 6/2/2013 11:54 AM

Can someone give me the link to the 180 stuff? I can't find it right now.

Knowing posted 6/2/2013 17:01 PM

Hang tight, we're rooting for you!

It's #11 in the BSs FAQ:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

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