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Wouldn't you think???

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TattoodChinaDoll posted 6/1/2013 19:55 PM

Wouldn't you think the man who has said all along that he didn't want a divorce and that he wanted a miracle to save this marriage would have fallen to his knees sobbing for forgiveness and begging for me not to go through with this? Oh, he has fallen to his knees sobbing before...when it was just too hard for him to be remorseful, compassionate, and empathetic. When it was all too frustrating for him because I wasn't better yet. I'm not saying this is what I want to see. More just a baffled feeling. Ok...maybe not baffled because I know what he has shown me is his true self and that wouldn't happen. Come to think of it, I think that would be a sign of remorse...being brought to your knees from the pain of the BS, not because of your own. Since Thursday he has said nothing about me being done. He either thinks I'm going to back down and he'll get his way again, or he is just doing what he has done for the last year and a half...shown me who he is.

SBB posted 6/1/2013 20:30 PM

It is very difficult to see what you've been blinding yourself from for so long.

I wasn't confused when it happened - I was shocked. Shocked at how long I ignored it. How long I blinded myself. How hard I gaslighted myself.

His lack of remorse was a gift. It may have taken me a few more years to walk away myself had he continued to fake it.

Take your focus off him - only hurt is down that path. The decision here is not his, it is yours.

Right now you might be playing the "What If" game. A version of that is "If only he would..". It will keep you in this limbo for longer than you need to be.

I always remember a line I read here once "Its up to you how painful this needs to get".

Astonished is another good word - don't let it blind you when he embarks on another hoovering campaign.

TattoodChinaDoll posted 6/1/2013 20:45 PM

I don't want him to do that. I am not saying that if he did I'd jump right back in his arms. I know better (I hope). I just don't know what the word I'm looking for is. I'm not surprised because I knew he would be like this because of what he has done for the last year and a half and what that has proven about him. Not really baffled because I figured out his whys for him and it coincides with his whys...passive aggressive, narcissistic, immature, selfish, and lacking any capacity for empathy. I guess it's just weird. Weird that he can't see it...but that's because I don't have his whys. I know eventually he is going to get mad at me for being strong. He always does. And then will say hurtful as verbally abusive things to me to get me to engage. It's a shame that I have it all figured out and I'm still here.

Nature_Girl posted 6/1/2013 21:53 PM

I was curious why he never bothered talking to me about the looming marital problems or threatened divorce. Never hinted at wanting to talk. Nothing. Refused to talk during MC, too. And then when I threw him out & had him served, while he was telling other people he was desperate to talk to me, he never once made any attempt to contact me. No phone call, no email, no letter, no note under my windshield wiper. Nothing. Which by that point I didn't expect him to try.

But yeah, it was a strange feeling to know that he expended less than zero energy in my direction to talk about or try to save the marriage. Or even act like he cared. Or even noticed.

TattoodChinaDoll posted 6/1/2013 22:01 PM

My WH wanted me to go to MC. But I really think it was to control me. Ti get me to "feel better" so he cohld get what he used to out of me. He was lying to me for 9 months and not answering questions. He wouldn't have given the truth to an MC.

What it is, is a weird feeling that a human being can be like that. A human being that you thought would be at your side until the day you died. Actually, I didn't have "til death do us part," in our wedding vows. Because I thought that we'd be together forever...here and in Heaven. He must be a cyborg from Planet X.

Nature_Girl posted 6/1/2013 22:04 PM

My STBX has spoken openly about wishing he could be a robot and not a human. He's wanted this for 20 or 30 years. He'd prefer to not have feelings and not have any ability to be affected by annoying humans. Nasty humanzies with their nasty feelinzies. Gollum! Gollum!

gma56 posted 6/1/2013 22:10 PM

But yeah, it was a strange feeling to know that he expended less than zero energy in my direction to talk about or try to save the marriage. Or even act like he cared. Or even noticed.

We were separated for 4-5 mo after dday and then had a 3 mo false R. He disappeared one day on a flight back to Thailand and Twat. Like it is said here everyday...look at the actions and never expect anything different.

As you detach and no longer have daily contact other than about kids and finances, you will see the marriage/WS completely different than you did when living the lie.

The dots will start to connect and then you say to yourself, WTH was I thinking by staying with WS ?? We definitely have our own fog as BSs.
Hugs you will be analyzing the marriage and him for months to come. It's eye opening !
Hugs
GMA

confused615 posted 6/2/2013 07:08 AM

I wonder if he is still having an affair with OW? He is unremorseful,selfish,refuses to quit his job,even though OW works 3 doors down in the same building,and now that you have decided you're done..he hasn't done or said anything to stop you from filing.

I've followed your posts..and his. He is so unemotional...unless it's to feel sorry for himself. He wants you to get over it already. He has been told by you,by me,by many SI members what he needed to do..when he came here asking what he should do...and then did nothing. It's as if,after dday,he never checked back into the marriage. He *said* he did...but his actions show otherwise.


You deserve better.

((((TCD))))

nomistakeaboutit posted 6/2/2013 07:43 AM

Incredulous, maybe?

I hope for you that the word eventually becomes, "thankful".

Best to you and your little ones.

TattoodChinaDoll posted 6/2/2013 10:47 AM

Confused - That whole second paragraph is pretty much it. He can scream and cry when he is annoyed and frustrated...but can't show me or even tell me in his own words how hurt he is because of how much I hurt (not that he feels that way). I've coached him on everything. I've begged him to be proactive and that I didn't want to have to tell him everything.

I don't think he is with OW. But of course the thought has crossed my mind. And of course it's just one of those things I'll never know if he is there. I have said in anger that he should just go be with her. That they deserve each other and that that they should just go be broken together instead if ruining other people's lives. I was probably right about that.

Williesmom posted 6/2/2013 12:55 PM

My wxh didn't really cry until the day that I told him that I was filing the final D papers and that it would be final within a week. I think that he was in denial the whole time that I would actually go through with it.

Vulcanized posted 6/2/2013 13:40 PM

I have said in anger that he should just go be with her. That they deserve each other and that that they should just go be broken together instead if ruining other people's lives. I was probably right about that.

Sadly, yes, those are all true statements. Not that it hurts any less.

(((TCD)))

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