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Dealing with other family members of WS

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Shockedman posted 6/1/2013 20:20 PM

Anyone have an insight to dealing with family members of a WS? My inlaws were all furious at my W when they found out. Shocked and stunned. I was really close with them and as it all was unfolding we were in constant contact, but now I have not heard from them in days and have heard through the grapevine that they are now trying almost blame me! Saying I should have seen it coming and I need to take care of my wife. What a bunch of shit! She isn't taking care of me at all. I soon realized that even though she cheated on me that they are not on my side and it is deeply upsetting. Just starting to feel very alone. I do have my own family and they are being great, just some of the people I held most dear are dropping off like flies....and I did nothing wrong.

[This message edited by Shockedman at 8:21 PM, June 1st (Saturday)]

doctor49 posted 6/1/2013 21:01 PM

Sorry but unfortunately this is a time when the statement 'blood is thicker than water' is shown to be true.

Doubtless they've been fed a load of bull about how terrible you were etc., etc. And they now prefer to believe what they're being told.

And have joined the blame shifting. If they think so little of you let them go.

LadyQ posted 6/1/2013 21:14 PM

I agree that the saying "blood is thicker than water" applies. While my in-laws are still "civil" they are definitely on x's side. Whatever. They can have his lying ass

Gr8Lady posted 6/1/2013 21:36 PM

Got this covered too. I have been the glue that created the holidays, acknowledgement of all their birthdays. Etc. when push comes to shove.....blood is thicker than water.
Sorry, after 35 yrs.... I know. It is heartbreaking in the midst of everything, I counted on my friendship with my (WS family) that I heald so dear.

doingfinenow posted 6/1/2013 21:58 PM

Ha! Blood is NOT always thicker than water. My husband's affair was with neighbor and friend of SIL (his brother's wife). We were both thrown under the bus by them. They chose to remain friends with the bitch. His own brother. Needless to say, we do not see/talk to them anymore unless it has to do with the kids seeing each other (they do not know what happened).

BeyondBreaking posted 6/1/2013 22:03 PM

As a parent (now, my DD is four, so my perspective may change in the future), I need to admit something: I love my daughter. She is smart and funny, and pretty much in my eyes, she pisses rainbows. Now, she throws tantrums from time to time, she isn't always nice to her friends, and she has a terrible potty mouth. But she is my daughter, and I promise to defend with her, side with her, and love with her with all my heart.

If my daughter cheated on her husband, he would need to understand that I still love my daughter. I would be shocked, horrified, and disgusted. But whatever they decided to do, she is my daughter- her husband would (hopefully) be someone I love as well, but she is my dauter and he is not.

That being said, BLAMING a BS is never ever okay in my mind. I liken it to finding out your child raped someone and saying, "well that chick was asking for it, she dressed like a hoe!" I can't see myself ever doing that as a parent.

Unfortunately, I experienced the as,e thing with my ex's family: when he cheated on me, when he hit me, etc... They defended him and said terrible things about me as well. Blamed me for him physically abusing me. It has taken me years, but I have realized that by them siding with him, it showed me two things- the first of which is some insight as to where my ex learned to behave this way (ie I did xyz, but its all your fault). Also, I realized that they were humiliated and trying to justify...just like he was!

Unfornutely, blood runs deeper than water.

gonnabe2016 posted 6/1/2013 22:08 PM

some of the people I held most dear are dropping off like flies....and I did nothing wrong

It's awful, isn't it? Happened to me too...and there isn't a darn thing that you can do about it. Except breathe.

I basically have to start over from scratch. The vast majority of my friends were *couple* friends that were in the M because of my WH. Yea...they have drank his Koo-Aid and aren't my friends anymore.

I see it as a good thing/bad thing. But that doesn't make it any less painful.

I'm so sorry. {{{hugs}}}

Happydays posted 6/2/2013 06:46 AM

This phenomenon is not uncommon.
Mil exFIL was supportive in the beginning when I calmly explained to him his DD's behaviour. He understood that infidelity was involved.
But after that he got calls and false stories from his daughter and made a quick U turn. He actually blamed me for being a non performer in bed, which was not true.

If it makes you feel better, they all know what WS did, but have to support their child.
Yes, blood runs thicker than water.

Althea posted 6/2/2013 07:04 AM

My SIL first comment to WH when he told her he cheated was "If either of you need anything, I think I can be neutral and here for you both." When I hadn't returned to the family home within two days, she told him that I needed to look at what I did that caused him to cheat. I couldn't believe how quickly she turned when it looked like we were going to separate. I got total radio silence from the rest of WH's family, even his father who has been like a father to me since we got together 15 years ago.

It sucks, particularly when you do reconcile and work through things because then you have to also reconcile the way WS's family treated you and figure those relationships out

TrustGone posted 6/2/2013 07:45 AM

It is very hard to realize that people you thought loved you never really did. XWH#1's family (except for his brother and SIL) shunned me and even testified against me in court. I was the one that did all the family things, cards, presents, food, etc.. Now XWH#1 and his Mother are estranged and she has started calling me after 10yrs and wanting me to be her sweet daughter again. She even sent me a "I feel guilty Mother's day Card" No thanks. I will be civil, but I have no intentions of stepping back into that viper pit.

The same thing happened with WH#2. When DDay happened (OW called me) my in-laws were so upset at WH#2. But when they picked me up at the airport(I was working out of state) their whole attitude had changed toward me. They said they spoke with WH#2 to get his side of the story. HIS SIDE!!! REALLY!!! That is when I knew that they were not really my family, they were his. I was so hurt that they somehow were blaming me for his A. If I had of had another way home that day, I would have walked off and left them standing there. They could see how devastated I was. I have since detached from them and alot of his family and no longer speak to but one SIL about our relationship or anything to do with WH#2. The rest I am cordial to, but I will not get close to them again. They have sensed my detachment and have commented to WH#2 about it a few times. I really don't care anymore. They are not MY family.

It is heartbreaking that people are like this. I never asked them to pick sides and told them that. It wasn't about them or anything they had done. It also wasn't about me. It was about the brokeness inside their son. I guess it is easier to just pick sides than to deal with the real issue at hand. I am sure this is were he got his conflict avoidance tendencies and his rug sweeping.

I am sorry you are going through this. In-laws should come with beware signs taped to them to let everyone know just how they really feel about you when push comes to shove. I have always been the type of person that someone had to actually do something to me for me to push them out of my life. Unfortunately, everyone does not have my views.

didiknow posted 6/2/2013 10:54 AM

I have to say that I am very lucky in that my MIL has been very supportive and directed me to this site where she is a member, unfortunately.

Of course she still loves her daughter but, thank god, understands that I have 0 blame for the A. I wish you luck, you're losing a whole family, not just WS, I'm very sorry for your loss.

[This message edited by didiknow at 11:10 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)]

s+++forbrains posted 6/2/2013 11:55 AM

I don't have a relationship with my ws's family anymore. We are still married. His family continually told him I contributed to his affair... We went to intensive counseling with a counselor who finally got through to my ws that his family and their emotional incest was a huge part of his emotional issues, not me. He had three other counselors tell him he never received "unconditional love" from his mother, but ws didn't want to hear it. I am not perfect, never was, never will be, but I was a "Godly wife" to my husband (counselor's words) even though he put his birth family first. I have dealt with cancer this past year and it really, really made me realize that I need to care for myself first!! People, no matter what their family relationship to me, if they are "takers" then I have removed them from my life and this includes my husband's parents and siblings. I am still friends with his extended family and they have been WONDERFUL to me.
You need to take care of you and your children, if you have them. Your inlaws are blameshifting to the victim and you need to sidestep them and be good to your own soul. There are many "friends" that are no longer in my life, and there were acquaintances that are now my closest friends. People really show who they truly are, surround yourself with those that are truly good people. You are finding out who they are, and you will grieve some relationships, but in the end you will be stronger and healthier.

Dark Inertia posted 6/2/2013 12:35 PM

As a parent (now, my DD is four, so my perspective may change in the future), I need to admit something: I love my daughter. She is smart and funny, and pretty much in my eyes, she pisses rainbows. Now, she throws tantrums from time to time, she isn't always nice to her friends, and she has a terrible potty mouth. But she is my daughter, and I promise to defend with her, side with her, and love with her with all my heart.

I really relate to this. My mom was my biggest advocate during the divorce. Had the situation been reversed, and I was the WS my mom would still be my biggest advocate. And it is not so much about me doing no wrong in her eyes, it is just I am her daughter. She loves me unconditionally, at my best and my worst.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 12:36 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)]

kenny55 posted 6/2/2013 13:31 PM

My former in laws supported me at first and then turned against me. The result- my WW twin had several affairs of her own and her husband divorced her. My in laws still wanted to have their heads in the sand. Good news for me-my youngest daughter who will graduate from HS this week did not even want them to attend her graduation. My oldest who is getting married does not even want to invite them to the wedding. I took the high rode with the in laws. The kids are grown now and see them for what they are and are making their own decisions.

sunflowergirl30 posted 6/2/2013 15:13 PM

My ws parents and sister are rug sweepers and never called wh on his behavior or treatment of me and their grandchildren/nieces. They made it clear I needed to shut up about his cheating and be the old me and act like it never happened. It was my job to police him and if i problem. I love my two teenage daughters unconditionally but i would not have their back if in the future they screwed over their husband and kids. I would not enable them. I wouldn't hide my head and say nothing. The damage between myself, my in laws, my sister n law and my kids is forever damaged. After 20+ yrs its really sad. My in laws can continue to rug sweep and enable their almost 40 yr old son and daughter right into them living in their basement sleeping in twin beds. Lol

Ashland13 posted 6/2/2013 17:54 PM

In laws in my life and thinkng are kind of like a species.

Perv has a huge family and they are some of the strangest and most loving and most bizarre and most rug-sweeping and most unabe to deal with reality people that I have ever, ever met.

When a tragedy happens in marriage or person's life, the inlaws come running full force at the beginning. Then, over time, fade away like a hive or chicken pox.

Thank goodness there are two who have been some of my most constant supporters and have become some of my very best friends. One I trust implicitly and the other...pretty good. And what would be said anyway is already known.

Others who I was very close to-DD's godmother-snubs me, as Perv "got to" her, yet her family shows me every kindness when we see each other.

My father said something intereting about his situation with my mother, in that he felt like maybe people just didn't know how to handle it. Then sometimes I think he just wants everything nice and people do know how to handle it and make choices.

Some of the ILs have come forward and though I don't see them often, are more personal then ever before and shared tragedies of their own and need their own support. Though it is a massive family, there isn't a ton of love or personalness and a lot of narcissism.

Sorry for my long speech.

I too, think it's common for things to fade between ILs and BSs when D comes. If there are kids it can help, if we want it to.

Some bizarre things were said to one of them, who I don't really contact anymore. When Perv left last year, she helped me emotionally and with some social service things, but before we even knew of OW, do you know what she said? "Well, my little brother is a good catch!" (No, he isn't!)

Then, when I told her I filed the papers, she told me, "Well, I guess he made his decision. Uh, was me.

A's and related behavior really show us an enormous amount about the world and it's people, don't they? Perv is shunned by some of them and others will always bail the other out. That's what I think he's counting on, but the lies are catching up.

Yes, people sure do drop off the face of the earth, when this happens, Shocked. I'm sorry for your extra pain, I have it too. I choose to not dwell on the person who hurt me also and know that she heard false things, but will believe it because it's easier.

I think keeping in touch with a BS is also maybe a disloyal feeling for some of them, and the other I spoke of just flat out told him, "Ash will always be my friend." This IL and I actually talked about sharing a house and he's who I call when the baby comes.

We also made a pact to share anniversary dinners-he's divorced-with each other until one of us date.

A comfort I have is in knowing that it's not competition, but Perv doesn't have relationships like that with them because they don't get close to each other-they just bail each other out.

Maybe, Shocked, maybe it has to be enough to know yourself that you did nothing wrong. Sometimes, that's all that gets me to sleep at night. To hell with what other people think sometimes, even though it's hard to let go of so much at one time. Maybe it's not stress that's needed now and a new activity or something might bring new people with it?

I joined yoga and though not best friends, people greet me and make small talk now and have nothing to do with marriage or home life...and it's only for me. Maybe something like finding a way for new people in life isn't so bad? It just takes time and thought.

Sometimes, life can be ironic in a tragedy, too.

Ashland13 posted 6/2/2013 17:57 PM

Sorry for all the italics, it didn't shut off!

hatefulnow posted 6/2/2013 18:28 PM

Family sticks with family. My wife's family stuck with her despite her years of on and off cheating. The thing that turned them was our kids. I pointed out how her actions had hurt the kids...their grandchildren, nieces, nephews, cousins, etc. I'm a psychologist with the DOC so I knew how to turn them least enough that they didn't cover her. I'm still trying to come to terms on how, with my training, I could see what was in front of me, but thats another story for another day.

dbellanon posted 6/3/2013 10:16 AM

I'm still in the early stages of this whole thing, but the matter of my in-laws has been complicated.

My WW had revealed the fact that she was having an affair to her mother. Her response to this news was underwhelming, to be frank. She didn't think it was right, warned her that I would find out, but didn't give her nearly the upbraiding that the behavior deserved, which just fed my WW's feeling of justification. I was furious at her.

Eventually, after it was certain that we were headed for the divorce, I got up the courage to call my soon-to-be-ex-mother-in-law. I wanted to tell her that I felt betrayed by her as well as by my WW, but in the end largely just ended up listening to her side of things.

I think that she didn't resist my WW's actions as strongly as she might have otherwise because she was afraid of just pushing her further into it. In some ways, she realized something that I should have realized, which is that resisting her on something is just more likely to make her do it.

I still don't know what I think. If it were my daughter, I wouldn't tolerate that kind of behavior from her. I'd cut off my support from her until she made things right. But of course, that's a risky move. If she wouldn't make it right, then I would run the risk of losing her, putting her in the position of having ruined her family, fled to the arms of a scoundrel, and on top of that being estranged from her parents.

Her attitude seems to be that we have to let my WW do what she thinks that she needs to do. Maybe, she reasons, once she does it, she'll realize that it was a huge mistake. Maybe not. But she told me that I'll never keep her by trying to convince her to stay.

Sounds kind of like a 180 to me, and in some ways, this talk with my mother-in-law was what finally convinced me to let go.

She said that we'll always be family since I am the father of her granddaughter. Might be true in a sense, but unless we have shared birthday parties sometime down the line, I'm not sure I'll even ever see them again. It breaks my heart to be losing a whole half of my family to this. I understand what you mean about people you love dropping off like flies. I feel that this has happened with my wife's family and friends both as I've been demonized in their eyes.

I did talk with one fellow who had gone through a divorce who said that he and his ex-wife's mother actually have a good relationship now, that in time, she came to see through all the bullshit that her daughter was spouting to justify the divorce. I'm not sure how likely that kind of outcome is in either your situation or mine. It's one story among many.

Shockedman posted 6/3/2013 11:12 AM


Isn't funny how our WWs poison others against us when they are the ones having the affair? We can't forget that they are now really good at lying and manipulating people. People who really know me and have for over 20 years suddenly act like I am the one who changed? Crazy....

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