But I am very sad.
I would like to say that these days will come...and hit you in then head.
Just the realization that your husband took a lover while being married to you.
It is a tough call to live through that.
I am having a tough time right now.
Sometimes it hits you between the eyes.
YOUR HUSBAND TOOK A LOVER WHILE BEING MARRIED TO YOU! Get used to it if you would like to reconcile.
It is your new normal...
Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten. Unknown
BIG HUGS honey. You will be OK.
Laura
I'm about three years from when he first confessed an "inappropriate friendship" with the woman I thought was my friend. The trickle truth lasted another year and a half. I still have days where I'm hurt and lost and dazed and confused. The good part is that they are fewer and farther between. There are days when the affairs don't even entwr my mind. I guess the 3-5 year timeline is pretty accurate.
Edited for clarity
[This message edited by LadyQ at 8:30 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)]
I know if I am still sitting here 3 years from now and still feel like I do now I will leave and move on because I personally would know what I already suspect.There is too much damage and too much for me to ever forgive.
My FWH had a LTA and it took me over 4 yrs until I started to feel like I had made the right decision to reconcile.
It was shocking and traumatic for me to find out that the one person in the world that I thought I could trust betrayed me in such a way.
But, over time as he continued to show true remorse and a willingness to change and rebuild what he had destroyed I did begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I will never forget what he did and I still think about it on a daily basis but.....
the pain is not as intense, the memory of the LTA does not ruin my day, I am able to smile again and enjoy my marriage, my family, my life again.
It was a matter of finally getting to a point of acceptance-that yes....this horrible thing had happened...
and yes-he was capable of this level of deceit and betrayal
but... we had a chance for a new beginning.
Both of us were willing to try again.
In many ways we are trying to un-do the mistakes of the past. We are spending much more time together, we are more communicative and open (about day to day stuff because at 6 yrs post d-day we do not discuss the OW or LTA anymore).
The pain of the past is there but my life today is good.
With a remorseful WS it is possible to get here.
I'm sorry you're having a rough day.
I hope that you will be able to feel better again whatever you decide.
My eyes are still puffy and my head hurts from crying so hard.
I hate that part. I wish I could grieve and process this new normal of mine without injuring myself this way.
Everything was and is going well. Mr. Happy is doing his level best to make me feel wanted, loved and safe. Why isn't that enough for me???
Sometimes I think that I use the pain his betrayal as a familiar blanket. I am afraid to let go of the pain and angst, its like I KNOW its parameters and I can control that part of the betrayal.
I fear that if I let my guard down and never talk about his trysts with the ho-worker that he will think that it magically went away. And then I think...not so fast buddy!
I just reread what I wrote and all I can see in my words are hate, pain, betrayal and fear.
WTH! I am a mess today!
Either way thanks for reading my rambling crazyness and for the loving support.
My M did not survive. In fact, the two year antiversary for d-day #2 is tomorrow. That day is the day I said "no more". He moved to his parents until I could afford to get a place of my own.
Anxiety and depression are still a part of my life. Sadness has not gone away. There is a peace that happened when I decided enough was enough.
I don't want to be with XH, but I have PTSD from what he put me through. Just because I moved on from him and fell out of love, doesn't mean I am not forever damaged from what he did.
R is a hard choice. Make sure that the WS's actions are living up to the words. Words really can be empty and mean nothing.
I think that is what I am most upset about. The fact that I did not choose this for myself. Not matter what the outcome, D or R, I have several months before we can even decide which is a better option. Then when we decide, likely several years of therapy to just feel OK again. All by not choice of my own. WW turned a loving, trusting man into a resentful, untrusting one. What an asshole.
[This message edited by Shockedman at 3:54 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)]
All by not choice of my own. WW turned a loving, trusting man into a resentful, untrusting one. What an asshole.
Hey Shockedman, just change the genders and the thats me. Asshole indeed!
It's going to be difficult for him to make you feel beautiful, safe or wanted or loved ever again. Why would he? He discounted you in a rather significant way.
I'm very sorry you're still so sad. I don't think the solution lies with any relationship dynamic anymore. It probably lies in other aspects of your life and your relationship with yourself.
My husband is unable to make me feel safe or uniquely wanted. The only thing I've got going on beyond any other woman he'd find attractive is that I'm the mother of his kids. I have no idea whether or not that's true, but it IS how I feel. It's not going to change. Heaven help us if someone manages to give me those "sweep me off my feet" feelings. I hope my boundaries are tight enough to prevent that.
You need to be happy for internal reasons. That's the key.
The are less common but every once in awhile I stare at him and think "How could I not know that was in you?" really shakes your abaility to read the "character" of people in your life.
... every once in awhile I stare at him and think "How could I not know that was in you?"...
Oh man...This^^^
This happens on a daily basis!
I loved him soooo much.
I am still in a funk. But it is getting better.
Unfortunately I had to turn away from him for a few days. It is tough when you live together but I needed some space to see why I need the "Pain Blanket" to soothe myself.
I really needs to stop. He is doing everything he can to be present. I am the one who hits the roadblocks.
UGGH!
We are 3.5 years out.....most days I don't really think about the A. H has worked hard to change and I see hardly any of the selfishness that used to be such a part of him and that, IMO, was the driver in his cheating...he wanted to and was selfish and he did.
Accepting this is part of my life was not easy, but we've been together a very long time and I find it hard to imagine life without my H. Just the other day he told me he was amazed I am still here with him and I told him as long as keeps working hard at 'us', I am happy with our life and where it's going.
I wonder when I see other couples out there that have been together a lifetime....did they all deal with infidelity, or theft or abuse in some other way where they broke each other's hearts? Did they get through it and resolve the issues leading to a 40, 50 or 60 year relationship that, yes indeed, has some terrible bruises but essentially the majority of the fruit remaining is still sweet and worth finishing together?
I am hoping my H and I fall in that group where we can build good years beyond the A and although the A will always be a part of our marriage, it won't be the focus.
As stronger08 says, though, not every one is cut out for A.....it is a very individual decision. I hope you find the peace you need......
I don't have to be away from him now but then OMG I would have to be so far away.
I am so sorry you are struggling today. (((hugs)))
Sad is okay. You can still be sad, mad, glad, etc. It is all okay there is no expiration date on infidelity and/or healing.
It is like having surgery. The wound has healed but the scar is still there. At times you look down and the scar is raised or more defined. At times you won't notice it at all but the surgery still happened.
I am not sure if you are faith based at all or not. In times when I feel down or low I simply pray that God take away my uncertainty or fear. We control only ourselves and there are no guarantees.
Know what you would do if it happened again. Define YOUR boundaries to give yourself a peace of mind of what you can control.
