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How long did it take to stop learning new truths?

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Spursguy posted 6/2/2013 07:48 AM

Everything is still relatively fresh for me. I just found out that my wife hasnt been completley honest with me on some details of her affair. Just wondering how long it took for others to stop learning new horrible truths?

TrustGone posted 6/2/2013 07:59 AM

1.5yrs after DDay#1 (several to follow) and I am still learning new truths and old lies. At this rate if we R, it will take forever just to get to the truth. I am about ready to just give up the fight.

TheHurtingWife posted 6/2/2013 08:08 AM

My husband cheated on me before he was a LEO two years ago. I forgave him and have then tried to move on. I recently found out that he has a secret cell phone in his locker because he has been forwarding my calls from his regular cell phone to his secret phone. I heard so many excuses from him about this phone. First it's evidence, then its for another officer, and when I call it forwarded to another cell phone. I am tired of all the lies. I guess being an LEO gives him his freedom to cheat again so went for it. Too bad he didn't think of his wife first. I think the next step should counseling for myslef and then divorce.

LadyQ posted 6/2/2013 08:36 AM

I dealt with lies and trickle truth for literally YEARS. The first incident I found out about and didn't engage in my own rug-sweeping was back in 2005. I've never got the whole truth on that one.

Quite honestly, it was the continued disrespect of lying and trickle truth (which, let's face it, is just lies by commission) which eventually killed our marriage. I might have been able to get past the cheating, but the lying did me in.

confused615 posted 6/2/2013 09:02 AM

2.5 years after dday,after what I thought was 2.5 years of R, he tells me about a whole other AP/PA...that took place a few months prior to the one I found out about on dday#1.

Pretty significant thing to lie about,huh?

cliffside posted 6/2/2013 09:28 AM

After I found out I told my WH we were going to sit down and he was going to walk me through the whole thing. I also had hundreds of emails and chats so I was able to piece it all together on my own too. But I told him he had to answer every question I had and he needed to rack his brain for anything significant that I might find out about later. I told him if I found out something later we were done. He is now in IC and we're in MC. He is completely remorseful, horrified by his actions, and transparent now. I don't believe we'd be able to R if he weren't.

solus sto posted 6/2/2013 09:34 AM

I have never been given any truth by my WH. All that I know I found out on my own---and most of that, he vociferously denied. I stopped expecting him to engage in our marriage about six months after our last d-day.

Really, there is no way to rebuild emotional intimacy as long as there are secrets and lies forming a barrier between two people. When the WS internalizes this, the importance of truth is realized.

That said, if you are close to d-day, it's pretty typical not to have been told everything yet. WSs sometimes think they spare their BSs pain by withholding details. Sometimes, they think they spare themselves consequences.

Neither is true, but the ongoing lies (I hate the term "trickle truth" because I believe it minimizes lying)--whether by omission or commission, are not at all unusual for several months after d-day.

I'm really sorry you're facing this. I don't think many WSs really understand, very early on, that quite often, it's not the infidelity that's a dealbreaker, but rather the behavior in the aftermath of the infidelity.

Tiredofthepain posted 6/2/2013 10:46 AM

Quite honestly, it was the continued disrespect of lying and trickle truth (which, let's face it, is just lies by commission) which eventually killed our marriage. I might have been able to get past the cheating, but the lying did me in.

YES. This is where I am now. So many months and months of lying and then having to drag out of him what I already assumed was true to begin with is what is keeping me from moving forward, keeping me insanely anxious and hopeless. I know especially with a SA in recovery you may as well assume they are lying, which is true,but do I want to live like this any longer? Do I want to live hoping he can truly recover and stop lying? Those are the hard questions I have to ask myself everyday, sorry for t/j

tfkeel posted 6/2/2013 12:29 PM

Those are the questions which, when you ANSWER, everything will improve.

The real, honest, basic choice is but one:

1) do I want to compromise myself, my integrity, my sanity, endure the humiliation and pain, and finish the course of grief this has brought upon me?

When you can answer an unequivocal "NO" to all tenets of this question, then you are ready for whichever choice you make, to stay, or to go.

You then simply choose the path which makes "NO" easier.
At that point, either choice "works". And you have the RIGHT to make either choice.

Do I want to live hoping he can truly recover and stop lying?

No, you don't. You want to live COMPLETELY INDEPENDENT of whether he "truly recovers" or not.

As long as your happiness and well-being depends on the actions of someone else, you don't stand a chance.

[This message edited by tfkeel at 12:37 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)]

kenny55 posted 6/2/2013 13:34 PM

It's called trickle truth. It took me about 4-5 years to get the truth. As some people say, if they say it was only once or twice, double and triple that along with everything else they say

Twitchy posted 6/2/2013 17:47 PM

What did she lie about?

Kierst13 posted 6/2/2013 18:10 PM

How long depends largely on you and what you are willing to do to not allow her to continue to lie to you.

If you want it to stop and I mean really want it to stop. Contact a polygraph service and make an appointment and then call a lawyer and make an appointment. Sit her down and tell her she is going to give you the complete and full truth on X date (within a day or two) and then she will agree on the polygraph on X date. If she will not agree with the polygraph, or she is found to be dishonest in the polygraph, you file for divorce.

She x amount of time to make the choice to respect you enough to give you the full truth and answer ALL of your questions honestly, or you file and you are DONE.

But you have to be willing to walk away if she isn't willing to be a respectful and honest partner.

jojo42 posted 6/2/2013 18:19 PM

I contacted the OW myself today and finally got the full truth. A couple days ago, we talked about the affair and he told so little of what was actually true. Now that I know, I'm wondering why I wanted to know so bad, however there is a freeing feeling that came with the truth as well.

CryingGreenEyes posted 6/2/2013 19:04 PM

It was about a month for me. I honestly think the TT would have lasted longer but I had reached my absolute limit with his lies. I had my things packed and was prepared to leave and never look back. I gave him ONE final opportunity to tell me everything or I was out the door forever. I only issued the ultimatum when I had completely made up my mind that I wasn't going to tolerate any more lies. Each new lie ripped out another piece of my soul. I think the lying was the worst part of the whole thing for me.... having to accept the fact that I wasn't worth the truth from the ONE person I believed I could trust completely. (We are a little over 4 years post apocalypse) Absolute truth was and still is at the top of my list for remaining in our marriage. It doesn't matter to me how insignificant the lie is... I will not tolerate one.more.lie.ever!!!!

Katieisfree posted 6/3/2013 00:31 AM

My FHW started his A in 2008. ( or this is what I have been told) if I pushed him I know there would be more that he has not said. More broken NC more times they hooked up and more betrayals regarding my DD. He is getting to the stage that the A is a long forgotten nightmare that when I bring it up he shrinks. I now know he is not to be trusted and I keep my eyes wide open all the time. I don't want to live like this but he is incapable of telling me all the details for what ever the reason.

stronger08 posted 6/3/2013 01:20 AM

I honestly think that very few of us get 100% of the truth. And if like me your WS was/is not remorsefull the truth is a far reaching thing. I'm many, many years out I'm also D and I still get pieces of truths all these years later. I also noticed that many female WS will do things sexually with their AP that they don't want their BS to find out about. Not meant to be sexist. But from my experience that seems to be a fact.

MilWife2Kids posted 6/3/2013 02:29 AM

Every single time we talk about it there is something new I find out. :( Whether it's a simple as "we never even brought you up until after we called it off and I didn't want her to be upset, so I started telling her our marriage sucked" to, " When I went to her house to call it off she took off her shirt and started making out with me." It feels like it's never ending... I feel like I will still be finding out details for a long time to come. He's starting to pull the "I can't remember" "Im trying to forget what I did to you" but I force him to take a day or two to think about it, but he HAS to give me an answer. I know the new details would stop if I'd just stop asking questions... But I feel like I need to know EVERYTHING. Im sorry if this isn't very supportive, but I dont want to give you false hope that the first rendition of her story is the full and honest one :(

simplydevastated posted 6/3/2013 09:14 AM

I'm going on 5 yrs our from my first d-day. I'm still checking and still finding lies, even little lies. Somethings seemed to have stopped, others not so much. I'm not in R, so the only reason why I still check is so that I'm not left in the dark again. He keeps EVERYTHING from me.

In my opinion it depends on the WS. If they are truly remorseful and want to work on the marriage they'll give their BS everything they need. Some BS's on the other hand don't want all the truths and are fine with knowing that things have been left out. I feel it all depends on each person and what they are comfortable with. Unfortunately, some will never know if they have the full truth or not.

npain posted 6/3/2013 09:27 AM

I'm 22 months out and the only reason that I am not learning new truths is that I try not to pay attention to anything he does. I kicked him out 5 months out and now consider whatever he does his business. I reached a place where enough damage was done and I realized that NOTHING was going to change--there was going to be more truths because I was married to a liar and there was ALWAYS going to be a new reveal.

As others have said, it was the continued disrespect and outright lies that completely killed the marriage--he is a selfish pathetic fool who is going to die living in his parents garage.

Just as a general rule, the longer they lie, the less of a chance for your marriage to survive.

1Faith posted 6/3/2013 16:22 PM

When I stopped asking.

I had to ask myself how much more do I really need to know?

At what point does it matter? It just adds to the mind movies and triggers we have to deal with.

You know she cheated. Ask pointed questions and ask her for honesty. Ask yourself what do you REALLY want to know and WHY? If you don't get the truth then start the 180.

Is she showing remorse at all?

In the beginning they TT you bc they don't want to add to the BS hurt and they don't want to admit any more disgusting behavior on their part.

Good luck. Keep moving.

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