First, I got denial. Then I got, well, yeah, we were having an affair, but it's because I had a bad child hood, and he said you were being a bitch to him, and so what because it's not like I was the only one he's been screwing. All around, a very unsavory experience. I responded when I shouldn't have and made myself feel worse. She was nothing, and I should have relegated her to nothing status from the get-go. I was trying to work things out, too.
You will get no closure and your words will have no effect on her. Concentrate all your power on fixing you and your marriage.
I want to take all my anger out on her.
The problem here is that he was probably telling her what a bitch you are, and if you take all your anger out on her, well then you just proved his point to her.. It's such a twisted game. Well no freakin wonder we are angry now!
I agree to treat her as nothing and focus on your marriage. I'm not sure if "punish" is the right word for what you should do to your WS, but he needs to know the anger you are feeling if he's going to help you heal. He is the one who betrayed you..
[This message edited by struggling16 at 3:27 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)]
Whenever I wanted to confront XH's pig, I'd remember that she was so far beneath me, she wasn't even fit to empty out a trash can filled with my cat's shit. I picture that thing holding a trash can overflowing w/stinky cat turds.
Then I got, well, yeah, we were having an affair, but it's because I had a bad child hood, and he said you were being a bitch to him, and so what because it's not like I was the only one he's been screwing.
Slight t/j, but this happened to me, too. The sob story about her childhood was ridiculous. End t/j
Catchy, I'm all for contacting the OP under the right circumstances and in the correct frame of mind. Giving her your thoughts/assessment on her "sad" self is NOT a good reason, though. Either she already knows she is "sad"...or, she doesn't have a clue and you're not going to be the one to make her see the light. Ugh. OPs can be so damn dense.
I want to punish her because I feel like I should be punishing WS but can't because we are currently on the reconciliation path.
Yea, I don't think you can punish anyone, OP or WS. There are consequences to their actions. That's it. We don't need to get involved in the active punishment. Life/God/Karma/whatever takes care of that. However, you CAN vent to him. You can tell him all the things you really need/want to say to the both of them, regardless of your decision to R. R doesn't mean being nice all the time or keeping the waters calm.
I had one electronic encounter with OW before I shut it down, and it was the most awful interaction I've ever had with another human being in my life. I think giving birth was more pleasant.
She claimed to know such personal, intimate things about me, my family, my H. It really messed with my head and still can when I am down and was very, very bizarre.
She was very defensive of her place in his life and is determined she is going to "save him". She is not...no one can.
Sometimes I wonder if our thinking about OW is kind of like an outlet? I had all kinds of feelings for her to for a while, but what I want most of all is not to think of her or let her be of any importance in my life. She is but really isn't, for I think if not this one, another one would have been along. It's awful to say that.
What it may do is cause even more pain, Catchy, and though it doesn't seem possible to have more pain inflicted, it is, at least for me.
In order to not generalize, I will say that this OW doesn't seem to have any morals or standards if she can keep Perv in her life knowing half what he's done-and this will fuel her to fight me like a giant cat.
It's the hardest, hardest thing in the world to let go, but it turned out to be all I could do. I still have tears even though I know all he did, but I can't compete against any OW and I realized now, that I'm worth mroe than that.
You know what I learned? My standards are actully too high for Perv now and OW, stupid fool can have him.
I hope that you can sort through these feelings and realize that punishing anyone is a feeling we have but in time will go away, or at least not be so big.
For a time OW was very important in my mind, but I don't think of her often except to snicker and tab all the money she won't see from him. That's my way of dealing with my feelings, if it helps at all.
I think of myself all that I can and my children and work so darn hard not to think of either of those beasts. I hope you can get to that point someday, but it took me a long time.
It took a long time to realize also, that it's the Monkey in the Middle who is the problem for me, the WS. Again, I hope not to generalize). What I have heard is that he also lied to OW to get her to do what he wanted and she got attatched to him as I had been. He lied completely to her and she let him back, so now my thoughts are fleeting of her but of pity, too, if you can imagine, for look what she got!
No, no punishing of anyone, but instead if there is a way to change your focus, it will help in the best possible way. I am rooting for your reconcilliaton and I'm still trying to believe in marriage.
I am a believer in Karma and not revenge, for I think that Karma is it's own justice, and I wonder if really, that's what you seek? I know it's what I wish for every day, justice and reasoning.
Sorry for the long letter.
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
My circumstance is a little strange in that WH said that he was not in love with her and I actually contacted her the night I found out and she also said she was not in love with him and he was not in love with her.
So they are both totally cool with "friends with benefits." I'm actually fine with people doing that, too, WHEN THEY AREN'T IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP ALREADY. It's actually quite scary if you think about his attitude towards sex and how this will pan out in the future. Neither of them cared about the consequences, knowing full well what they were doing.. What's to stop them from continuing it? What's he going to change about himself to not allow this to happen again?
I just think she is a sad woman that doesn't see how her actions/choices impact others.
She DOESN'T care what you think of her. Forget her. You should be focused on the husband you have that didn't think about how HIS actions/choices were impacting you..
There will always be other women around. It's up to your husband to learn boundaries. Changing this woman isn't going to help anything. You can't go changing them all to prevent this from happening again..
It doesn't do any good to try to teach her a lesson before your husband learns his..