"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

rachelc posted 6/2/2013 07:56 AM

I posted a while ago on filing a civil lawsuit against the guy who assaulted me in a hotel room nearly two years ago.
hubby wants to move forward with this, and it will cost at least 10k, which we have, although he is very frugal.
I told him I wouldn't do it if it weren't for him, that I don't want to be re-victimized and I just want to forget about it. He said, "don't you want to bring this guy to justice? Most rape victims think this way."
He said if I don't do it my feelings for him will be loud and clear.
I'm wondering why his feelings of justice outweigh my feelings of being traumatized again?
Its always a power struggle between us.

NotDefeatedYet posted 6/2/2013 11:14 AM

What outcome are you looking for? Is the guy broke? You can sue him for a million dollars, but if he doesn't have it he certainly can't grow it. If you just win the suit, then what? He gets a judgement on his credit, and if he doesn't have anything to start with, it's not going to do much good.

You need to decide if it's worth going through all over again for what you may or may not get out of it. I'm with your husband on this, because a guy does not want to see someone get away with harming his wife. Ultimately though, it's not our choice to make on something like this.

[This message edited by NotDefeatedYet at 11:15 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)]

Lucky2HaveMe posted 6/2/2013 11:15 AM

At the risk of the mods moving this thread...

I think maybe he is projecting your A onto the assault guy?

Hugs! I know this can't be easy for either of you.

ETA: And you know the defense is going to make YOU look bad and is going to bring up every sordid detail of your life - including your A. Have you & your H talked about all of that and how you will handle that? Are you in counseling to help deal with that roller coaster that is coming at full speed?

I think you both need to be prepared - as sucky as it is, victims are all too often put on the defense, especially in civil cases like this.

[This message edited by Lucky2HaveMe at 11:17 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)]

rachelc posted 6/2/2013 11:50 AM

I think the idea is to makes this guys life a little uncomfortable.
My therapy has consisted of 10 percent talking About the rape and 90 percent trying to recover from my own husbands affairs. They can't bring any previous sexual experience of mine into court.

Lucky2HaveMe posted 6/2/2013 12:02 PM

Oh I misunderstood - Your profile says you are a FWW.

rachelc posted 6/2/2013 12:13 PM

I am a former wayward, but it happened before rape

Unagie posted 6/2/2013 12:26 PM

Perhaps others will disagree but your H has no right to decide how you react or heal as a victim of rape. Understanding should be the only thing he is showing, forcing you into a court case is insensitive to an extreme. This is your choice. He needs to respect it.

roughroadahead posted 6/2/2013 12:44 PM

It happened two years ago? Since your title is civil suit, the statutes of limitations for intentional torts are short. Have you checked with an L about whether your claim is time barred?

Lucky2HaveMe posted 6/2/2013 12:46 PM

Unangie is absolutely correct, rachelc. YOU are the only one who can make the decision as to whether to go forward and your H needs to respect that decision. And as NotDefeated said, you need to weigh whether or not the outcome is worth everything you will go through. I won a civil suit once for a whopping $800 - I hardly saw any of it. She was broke and couldn't pay; was garnisheeing her wages to the tune of something like $5/wk, she lost her job. Now it was small claims court so it was worthwhile for me to get the small amount I did receive the short time it was taken directly from her paycheck, but it was a hassle.

As for your A being before the assault, it will be put out there in a civil suit - unfortunately everything about you/your sex life will be put out there on display by the defense.

I'm not saying that you should not go forward because of that. But I do think you need to be prepared for the impact it will have on you, your H, and your M - be proactive rather than reactive. Have a plan in place.

My cousin was raped and her whole life was put on display during the trials. She persevered and had a strong support system in place with family, friends and counselors to help her and her H get through it. However, she did not recover much of anything in the civil suit as her damages could not be *valued* Yeah it sucks. Big Time.

Best of luck making this decision. Be as informed as you can be and go forth with whatever you feel is best for YOU and YOUR healing.

[This message edited by Lucky2HaveMe at 12:50 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)]

Lucky2HaveMe posted 6/2/2013 12:48 PM

He said if I don't do it my feelings for him will be loud and clear.

This is very manipulative of him. I would dare say it is bullying.

It seems that perhaps - and I am reading between the lines here - in his mind if you don't pursue this then he won't believe that you were assaulted? That's his issue to work through.

sisoon posted 6/2/2013 13:23 PM

I'm with you on this - a lawsuit should be up to you.

The assault has a lot of implications for you, and you can't ignore it, but that doesn't mean you need to bring everything out in public.

I would hope your H, too, has lots of feelings about the assault, but a lawsuit won't help him with those feelings. He needs to figure them out for himself (IC would probably help him a lot) and work them out with you via discussion (perhaps in MC).

I think going through with the suit would hurt you more than it would help you.

It sounds like your H wants you to go through public hell to prove you love him. Is that how he sees it?

Unagie posted 6/2/2013 13:36 PM

Perhaps this is clinical but perhaps showing him statistics will help him understand that your decision to go through with this has nothing to do about how he feels. These are the stats on reporting assaults:

Only 36 percent of rapes, 34 percent of attempted rapes, and 26 percent of sexual assaults were reported. [3] Reasons for not reporting assault vary among individuals, but one study identified the following as common: [4]
Self-blame or guilt.
Shame, embarrassment, or desire to keep the assault a private matter.
Humiliation or fear of the perpetrator or other individual's perceptions.
Fear of not being believed or of being accused of playing a role in the crime.
Lack of trust in the criminal justice system.

Honestly these should not be important, only your feelings should. I agree it sounds like manipulation.

rachelc posted 6/2/2013 14:35 PM

He really wants this guy to suffer....
But I'm not sure that will help with any of OUR problems...

Lucky2HaveMe posted 6/2/2013 14:39 PM

Gently... If were only about the suffering of the guy, why the ultimatum he gave you saying your decision would speak as to your feelings for him?

This should have nothing to do with your feelings for your H. He needs to be supportive of you, not antagonistic.

MissesJai posted 6/2/2013 15:47 PM

But I'm not sure that will help with any of OUR problems...

It won't. Your H is bullying you. If you don't want to do this, don't do it.

This is very manipulative of him

it is extremely manipulative of him - and quite cruel. and this

if I don't do it my feelings for him will be loud and clear.

I can't even begin to wrap my brain around this - just selfish and self-centered on his part.

woundedwidow posted 6/2/2013 15:53 PM

It really sounds like your H is displacing anger toward you onto this guy. However, YOUR feelings in this case are the most important. I have been through an attempted rape case and aggravated assault with a deadly weaponcase and the things the defense attorney said to and about me were awful - and I was the innocent, injured party. I had never seen the assailant before in my life! I think your H needs to work out whatever issues he has in counseling without putting you through this ordeal, and that if he DOES make you do it, it's only going to cause a huge rift between the two of you. Good luck and ((hugs)).

Kajem posted 6/2/2013 15:58 PM

((((Rachelc))))))

DeadMumWalking posted 6/2/2013 16:11 PM

Sorry but I'm not sure I understand - you were raped and now it's all about your husband? WTF?????

I agree that maybe your H is somehow mixing this up with your A, or maybe he feels his manhood is threatened or something. That is HIS problem to fix, not yours.

I'm so sorry he is bullying you over this. You need to figure out what is best for YOUR healing and go forward from there.

((((rachelc))))