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renee21 posted 6/2/2013 08:01 AM

Its been the week from hell. We have been fighting over deleted text messages. He had been texting with a woman I had told him I wasn't comfortable with. He coaches her son chats were supposed to be field related, not all have been but I no proof anything is going on. I'm still not comfortable or 100% that nothing is going on. I have spoken with both him and her they both say nothing is going on. He blocked her # after me insisting on it. He asked weeks in advance if he could do a boys night for a coach that is leaving, I okayed this based on what they were going to do. Well he gets home at 4am - I wasn't really OK with that -

I snuck his phone out of his pocket and she had sent him a text saying, "Mr Renee, I'm not ignorant". I woke him up and we argued about it I demanded to know what it means. He said it could of been in response some banter at the field the night before. I demanded he respond to the message and show me her response. He flat out refused and got angry with me. He eventually responded to her but he is blocked so that is still in place.

He is so angry about me sneaking his phone this week and questioning him about this woman

We are 3 plus out from Day. So I'm asking the way wards at some point in time do you get the right to be angry for your BS doing this?

BaxtersBFF posted 6/2/2013 08:58 AM

No. There isn't a time post-A that a WS has a right to be angry about texts on their phone and the BS looking at the phone.

Trust your gut.

Later posted 6/2/2013 09:04 AM

It's a way of diverting attention from the real topic, and perhaps to control your checking on him.

Do what you need to do.

confused615 posted 6/2/2013 09:05 AM

There is something going on between them.

You spoke to this woman..she is aware of your suspicions. If there was nothing going on,any innocent woman would no longer contact your WH. She wouldn't want you to feel uncomfortable..he's just her son's coach..certainly not worth causing trouble in someone's marriage. But..no. She continues to text your husband. That fact alone is a huge red flag.

Sneaking his phone? um...transparency after an affair last a lifetime. You shouldn't have to sneak anything.

refuz2bavictim posted 6/2/2013 09:08 AM

I can not think of a legitimate reason why any transparent spouse BS or WS would be upset at their partner for looking at their phone. Questioning something that makes one partner feel uncomfortable should be completely acceptable any time, for the sake of healthy communication IMO.

If you have agreed that there is to be transparency in your relationship, then there should be no problem with this 3 years or even 25 years down the road.

Card posted 6/2/2013 09:18 AM

I'm sorry Renee, but you need to do some serious covert snooping.

This is the exact behavior I displayed while actively involved in my affair.

If he's not involved in an affair with this woman, he's about ready to be.
His boundaries sound non-existent.
His transparency certainly isn't there.
His stories are ridiculous.
And this relationship with this woman is so very inappropriate.

Give him a little rope and snoop. Waywards lies will find them out if you're diligent with your detective work.

renee21 posted 6/2/2013 09:20 AM

Yeah I know. I am working towards a place of acceptance that a separation is coming. I have an appt scheduled with our counselor this week.

We always say we will be prepared for the time that we have to take a stand but my heart is absolutely broken right now.

20WrongsVs1 posted 6/2/2013 09:20 AM

Nope, I gave up the right to privacy when I started lying and keeping secrets. You are in the right here.

renee21 posted 6/2/2013 09:29 AM

I so wish he would join and talk to the way wards. I do agree that this is heading down the wrong path. I'm fighting a loosing battle his best guy friends are friends with this woman and she's around them all the time.

I don't understand why he is not willing to fight for this marriage and establish the boundaries.

Send me strength people this is going to be hell on me

Unagie posted 6/2/2013 10:31 AM

So his best guy friends are just as bad. As a friend being able to call someone out on dishonest behavior and refusing to help it is important to me. Absolutely ridiculous that he thinks transparency has a timeline. I don't have it at all while he does which is the source of many of our fights. Your WH needs to learn better boundaries although his behavior tells me he's way beyond poor boundaries. The whole 4am thing bothers me more then a little. I think you need to start putting your ducks in a row.

UnexpectedSong posted 6/2/2013 10:34 AM

you need to do some serious covert snooping.

No, you don't. It's not the BS's job to prove infidelity in a court of law. If you ask him about inappropriate behavior and he cannot answer to your reasonable satisfaction, then you have all the "evidence" you need. You just need to figure out your course of action.

betraydtwice posted 6/2/2013 10:59 AM

Yes, you do need to start looking. You need the proof. I was in same situation and if I didn't search, it would still be going on.

HardenMyHeart posted 6/2/2013 11:18 AM

I woke him up and we argued about it I demanded to know what it means.

You should be able to ask your WS about the message, but sometimes there are better ways to go about asking. When you wake someone up and immediately start grilling them, it's not unusual to receive an angry response. IMO, it would have been better to have waited and ask the question in a manner that is not attacking.

Clearly there is a lack of emotional intimacy in your marriage, which is why your WS continues to maintain secrets. He does not feel safe to discuss things with you, and therefore does not want you to discover things that may upset you.

IMO, it is time to give up the snooping. If he is going to cheat or behave inappropriately, there is nothing you can do about it. This is who he is. You can't make him be who you want him to be. It's time to either accept this or move on. He knows what makes you angry and chooses to ignore you. What does that tell you?

If you're not currently in MC, it may be time to start looking into it.

So sorry for what you are going through.

mainlyinpain posted 6/2/2013 11:30 AM

Renee21, does this OW have a husband or significant other? Can you contact them and say, I have been uncomfortable with the level of contact between my husband and yourXXX. What do you think about this contact? Is it alright with you, especially after I told OW I was uncomfortable with it and because of my WS history of infidelity? You may get info you need. Good luck and (((hugs))) to you. Your WS does not respect normal boundaries and more importantly, ones that you have asked for.

authenticnow posted 6/2/2013 11:44 AM

Never. If my BH wasn't comfortable with my relationship with another person, male or female, that relationship would end.

It is 100% transparency and if anything doesn't work for either of us, it doesn't work for the M.

ms521 posted 6/2/2013 17:51 PM

Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. A truly remorseful WS is not only transparent, but understands and even welcomes snooping from their BS because they have nothing to hide. Your gut knows this, which is why it's screaming that something isn't right. The fact remains that he is texting another woman, and if it WAS about "field-related banter," as he claims, then there would be a thread of text messaging conversation prior to the one you found that proves it. But there isn't. He's deleting messages because he doesn't want you to read them. There is NO other reason to delete text messages.

Sending you strength, renee... you definitely need it.

BeyondBreaking posted 6/2/2013 18:01 PM

I don't think he gets the "right" to be angry.

First of all, he cheated. Meaning he should be open about his email and his phone with you. Getting angry at you for "sneaking" his phone is ridiculous. People who aren't hiding anything rarely get upset when their spouse asks what is on their phone. Additionally, you have a good reason to suspect something might be up- he has done it before. I don't think it matters if it is 3 years, 6 years, or 20 years out. Openness is openness. I don't think you gave him an expiration date for his transparency.

Then, point two. He knows that you are upset about his behavior with this woman and think it is inappropriate. Instead of recognizing your feelings and approaching the situation with understanding for why you might be feeling the way that you do, he is choosing to tell you that you are being stupid, and act dismissive. Not okay. Additionally, he is not stopping the behaviors that you find inappropriate. Instead, he is hiding it from you. Not okay.

Further, this woman knows that you are upset. I think that anyone of good moral character would back way the heck off if the wife had a problem with the relationship with the husband. I know that if I were friendly with someone- even if I found it to be completely innocent and I thought the wife was overreacting or just plain out of her darn mind- I would back off as soon as his wife said anything. This woman is not backing off, which makes me feel like SHE is not to be trusted, and like your gut is right- something not okay is going on.

FR2012 posted 6/2/2013 18:12 PM

Transparency, transparency, transparency.

Honestly, he shouldn't be deleting texts at all. That is just one way to lose your trust again. Him deleting texts makes it seem like he has something to hide.

No, he doesn't have the right to be angry with you. You shouldn't have to sneak his phone to look at it. You should just be able to ask him to see it and he should give it to you.

He shouldn't be angry for anything. He is the one that betrayed you and lost your trust.

Lakeside posted 6/2/2013 23:43 PM

I have to agree with everyone else; he shouldn't even be coaching her son if you have a problem trusting him and her, much less texting with her and deleting texts from her. You and your family should be more important to him than anything else, especially this woman.

As others have said, if he had nothing to hide, he wouldn't be hiding things. My gut says this is not good, too. I don't think you need concrete evidence; he's not behaving right, and you're right to call him on it.