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How to get rid of the negative/irrational thoughts

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ruinedandbroken posted 6/2/2013 10:57 AM

Do any of you sometimes feel like the way you were treated by your ex was because of YOU and that the next one that comes along will be subjected to a different person?

On some level, I know this is irrational thinking but it seems so real to me it eats me up inside. For example: Ex had an almost year long relationship very shortly after he and OW broke up. I didn't know this chic or anything about their relationship or what went on within it. But ultimately they split because he cheated on her too. The difference between him cheating on her and cheating on me is that he was very remorseful for cheating on her. Claimed she didn't deserve it and he was so sorry etc etc etc. And that he will never cheat on anyone else because of how much her hurt her. (I know this through his mother) I got none of that. All I ever get is venom. Pure, hateful, venom. And that's all I still get 3 years later. And I was a really good wife to him. I gave him two beautiful children and didn't deserve to be cheated on either.

So then I get this idea in my head that the way he ignored me, showed no affection, made no attempts at bonding, etc. That this was about me, as a person. And that he will never treat anyone else like that again because it will be a better match and it won't be me.

Stupid. I mean who cares really? But how do I get the downward spiral of negative thoughts out of my head? I hate it!

Take2 posted 6/2/2013 11:16 AM

Claimed she didn't deserve it and he was so sorry etc etc etc. And that he will never cheat on anyone else because of how much her hurt her.

See now that is what my X said of the fiance before me, and about me too (in some quarters anyway). Didn't stop him from cheating though did it.

Fight those negative thoughts.
Consider that if he thinks you deserved it (asshole) and she didn't -- why cheat on you both...? Because he cheats - that's why. It's him ruined - all him.


Ashland13 posted 6/2/2013 11:27 AM

I am sorry for your frustration, R and R. I don't have much advice on the negative thoughts about yourself and his words, but Perv said similar things. He said he felt guilty not being with OW if he was where he should be and with "us" and at the house he built. He sure doesn't seem guilty about leaving us, the family he built and pregnant wife.

You know, though, I am learning very, very slowly that it really isn't me and I doubt it really is you, either. It's each of them and their own crap and they do and say hurtful things even after they've both gone away from us.

Yes, I get the venom also and OW is on a pedestal so high she may fall off. What I've heard about it is that it's because she accepted him at a time when he did really sh....things to other people in his life and so that makes her a gold star.

In your situation, you were the spouse, had the ties and WH had "responsibility" for you and any kids you may have...with the others, he has total freedom to come and go and maybe it feels differently when they do it? Ow in his case-your Wh-may be like the one Perv chose and be stupid and not question anything he does, so the praise goes up and when we question, down we go in their heads.

I don't know if that makes any sense, but it's happening here.

I'm sorry for your struggle too.

When the negative thoughts come for me, FWIW, I tell myself little things like pep talks. Like, "I didn't do anything wrong. I stayed the course. I fought for what I believed. I fought for family and future. This was done to me. I didn't do it."

And then I list things like accomplishments in a day or block of time and write them down, for it helps know that something good went on with my day even without him in it. I'm not stupid and don't have to depend on anyone at all for the most part and we can't let them trick us or the games trick our minds. We just can't, R and R, we have to stand up to it.

I liken it to a bully at school, of whom I had several. And I read. I read all I can on narcissism and passive agreession and why.

And yes, to your initial question, I think that we act or behave or speak differently among different people. I think for most of us it's not intentional, just relationship based.

We aren't the same people coming out these "situations" either and may never be again.

inconnu posted 6/2/2013 11:27 AM

what helps me is reading motivational/inspirational messages. I get an almost daily email from which almost always hits me with the message I need most to hear. I also follow them, and several other uplifting sites on fb. Even if the messages don't particularly apply to me, seeing positive words instead of negative helps.

SBB posted 6/2/2013 11:36 AM

Please take what his mother says with a grain of salt. He is her son after all.

I don't believe it for a second. If he did say those things it was to make himself look good in front of his mum.

Read "She's Special" - its the second article down. It set off a whole bunch of lightbulbs for me and I suspect it will for you too.

As broken as these muppets are any fidelity on their part is the "Dry Drunk" variety. They haven't resolved the core issues that led them into this mess so they are never going to get out of it. Whilst they are busy blaming us we are quietly healing and growing whilst they repeat the whole circus time after time.

I'm just sad my girls have to go through this shit every couple of years. Bond with the current "luuurve" of his life only to have them disappear and then have to integrate his next victim into their lives.


Changing the players doesn't change the ending.

Helen of Troy posted 6/2/2013 13:05 PM

Yeah I agree either xmil spun this story to you or he spun the story to her. Who cares about why he cheated? The fact is he still did it. Unless he is currently in some serious therapy and truly 100% committed to personal growth, he will eventually repeat the pattern.

As far as ridding yourself of negative or irrational thoughts. IC if you aren't already. You can wear a rubber band on your wrist and give it a snap each time you think of POSx. You can choose to make a distraction, you can choose to surround yourself with positivity, people, and situations that lift you up. You can focus your energy into personal growth. There is no time like the present to do this! Now is the time to be the best you've ever been! not perfect because perfection is not realistic, but your personal best. Get into shape/workout, do that hobby you've always wanted to do, take a class, make your home YOUR home with only things YOU like, get rid of items that you associate with negative thoughts or negative memories, structure your environment, get your finances in order; is free and an excellent way to start. Give yourself ____ minutes of grieving or depressive or sad time per day, when that time is over it is time to put those feelings in a compartment, box, etc until next sad time tomorrow. That way you aren't stuffing the feelings, just setting a limit for yourself on how much time spent on them. Journal. Write letters to x that you never send, be as nasty and mean as you want, this is for your benefit. Then read them out loud (privately) in your own voice. Then burn or shred them. This works and it is a cool therapy tool.

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