SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

GreenMom posted 6/2/2013 11:41 AM

I started dating way more quickly than I should have, ignoring all the advice on here. Well two failed dating relationships later, each one smacking me down hard when it ended, and I'm finally ready to admit that I need to just work on me for a while and not date.

The problem is, I have no idea what to do with myself. I had to move out of the city I lived in due to the high cost of living, and the tiny town I'm in has nothing really to go out and do. I have no friends closer than an hour's drive away. People keep telling me to just keep busy but with what?

How do you get your brain to shift from the sadness/fear over not having a partner and not looking for a partner to just doing other things?

Any advice on tackling a NB for a single mom who lives in the middle of nowhere... I could sure use it.

FaithFool posted 6/2/2013 12:48 PM

How do you get your brain to shift from the sadness/fear over not having a partner and not looking for a partner to just doing other things?

GreenMom, have you ever been truly alone before? I know a lot of people never have, and that's what makes this phase so difficult.

We seem to be hardwired to partner up.

I have done a lot of work on myself in this area to overcome the fear and now I'm OK with it.

If I do go online to look at the profiles and send the occasional message, my anxiety comes back, but not because maybe they will reject me but rather because I question my ability to manage someone else in my life right now.

Crazy eh? Bottom line, I decided to have a deep and fulfilling relationship with myself.

By shutting off the urge to partner up, I have found satisfaction in just... being. Who. I. Am.

Without having to measure up to anyone's ideas or expectations about who I should be.

You're only a year out.

I'm at five and have not been with anyone since DDay.

And I'm OK with that, thank God for menopause because I no longer have hormonal shifts that drive us to mate.

Being older is a blessing in this instance I think. I have a calmer mind and can make space and time for things I love to do.

Does your community have a church you can join or a rec centre of any kind that offers classes?

Go do some yoga, throw some pots, learn another language, dream about a trip you may want to take someday.

Gardening? There are gardeners everywhere who love to get together and talk about gardening.

Volunteering?

Hiking, biking, boating?

Take some time to think and make a list of things you really would like to do, then go out and pursue them.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 12:49 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)]

Williesmom posted 6/2/2013 12:49 PM

I'm 5 years out. For a long time, I spent a lot of time walking the dogs and reading. I felt as though I were hibernating, but I was really healing.

I also worked a lot, and cleaned my house. I thought that all of these things occupy the time, are a bit mindless, and have results that make me smile.

I hear that meetup groups are good. I also have a single friend that I meet up with for supper a couple of times per week. We also hit the flea market yesterday.

GreenMom posted 6/3/2013 07:13 AM

I finding that I really enjoy cooking. It forces me to pay attention but doesn't take so much brain power that it feels like hard work.

I just thought that a year out I'd be doing better than I am. I look at who I am today and am ashamed that I am still hurting so much and don't feel like I have made much forward progress. I absolutely do not want XWS back or miss *him*. I just hate being single. I need to find a way to turn off my want to be a partner again. Cause clearly dating hasn't been a good idea.

kernel posted 6/3/2013 12:40 PM

I'm 5 years out. For a long time, I spent a lot of time walking the dogs and reading. I felt as though I were hibernating, but I was really healing.

This was the same for me, minus the dogs.

Are there some hobbies you would like to try? Volunteering is usually available in most communities. Churches usually have a lot going on. Exercise classes, online classes. Really though, you need to get comfortable with your own company and it just takes time.

tryingagain74 posted 6/3/2013 20:12 PM

I'm not dating either and have zero plans to do so any time soon. While I do spend a fair amount of time with friends and family, there are weekends when STBX has the kids, and I don't have any definitive plans. Here are some things I have done (and also some things I'd like to return to) to give you some ideas:

--I've returned to baking things I like. All I ever made were certain things that STBX liked because he hated when I diverged from his preferences. I'm going blueberry picking in a few weeks and making a pie! I also got a great cookbook called Vintage Cakes that I plan on making some neat cake recipes from.

--I have taken yoga and meditation classes and really enjoyed them both. They're great for teaching mindfulness and living in the moment. I highly recommend one if you have a class being given near you (and many churches, local fitness centers, and even community ed classes offered by your local school district have these if you don't have a yoga studio in town).

--Any hobbies you gave up that you'd like to return to? I'd like to rejoin a singing group, play this summer with a community band, take a knitting class as a refresher, meet up with my local NaNoWriMo group (writers' group), have another book club meeting... these might not be your thing, but the possibilities of what you could do are endless.

--Check out your local library for classes, presentations, movie nights, and other community events. They are also a great way to feed a book habit cheaply and to see all of those movies you've been meaning to see for free!

--Go to a movie alone. Seriously. I finally summoned up the courage to go last summer and wished I hadn't waited so long. It was really fun, and I loved not having to explain the movie to anyone!

--Support groups: my Divorce Care class was about support, but I also made friends with the core group, and we had a couple of potluck parties together. I want to get back to seeing them again. That's a great way to build a support network and feel like someone has your back. The leader calls me from time to time to check in and see how I'm doing.

--Meet-up groups: Some have had success on here with those; I personally haven't seen any local groups that I like, but that might be something for you to look into.

--Learn something new: I'm much more adept at fixing things and landscaping because I have to be, but it's certainly been great to learn new skills and to not have to ask for help. You could also think about taking a class in something, whether it's pottery, philosophy, salsa dancing, or woodworking. There are often lots of classes that you can take on the cheap.

That's all I can think of for now. I know it's hard, but you'll probably come to realize how valuable this time will become for you. I wish that I had realized how great it could be to be single when I was younger. I made a huge mistake by clinging onto my romanticized view of STBX because I was so desperate to be part of a couple and was in love with love. Now, I am deeply appreciative of the quiet, restorative nights that I have for doing whatever I want and for the days spent that I've shaped myself. I feel more productive, more upbeat, and more alive than I have for years.

(((GreenMom))) You'll find your groove. You just have to get back to pre-couple you.

OnceInALifetime posted 6/3/2013 22:00 PM

It's been hard for me as well. But failure to find mutual attraction may have saved me from a mess. I think I wanted to be loved and desired more than I actually wanted a relationship.

Now I wonder if I'll ever be with another again. It's possible I'll never truly desire a relationship, which sucks in the abstinence sense (casual sex ain't for me).

jennie160 posted 6/4/2013 09:02 AM

Make a list of all the things you have been putting off. Have you been meaning to paint the bedroom, freshen up the landscaping or clean out the basement.

I'm in a LDR but have a lot of free time to myself. When I'm starting to feel restless I pick something from my to do list and get moving. After a long weekend by myself, my house is now the cleanest it has ever been, my yard is freshly mowed and 6 overgrown dead bushes have been removed. After a long day of hard work your brain can't even register the sadness/fear you may feel and the satisfaction from seeing your hard work is even better.

My IC actually tought me this trick to deal with anxious thoughts but it works for any negative thought as well. When your brain starts that spiral of loneliness find something that clears your head, go for a walk, pick up a good book, tell yourself what you are proud of. Eventually your brain will learn that these types of thoughts aren't allowed and you will stop having them.

movingfast posted 6/4/2013 09:17 AM

Thankfully, my kids keep me active. With all the sports they participate in, I am always out and amongst people. I'm a social person, so I truly enjoy this and have developed some great friendships over the years. I also work out both physically and emotionally to make sure I am healed before I venture into another relationship.

I've already realized that dating is going to be a long way out for me. My children take priority and since I have 100% placement, they are with me almost all of time. Anyone that comes into my life would need to realize and be okay with this. Personally, I think it's a lot to ask of someone to make it clear they will take the #2 position behind my children. If some man finds this spot irresistable, enjoys my kids and is wonderful to me, then I would welcome him into my life.

Until that day...I have plenty to keep me busy, good friends to socialize with and kids to keep me moving forward. :-)

GreenMom posted 6/7/2013 19:17 PM

I've done a little better this week. I've had some days I haven't cried. Daytimes are pretty easy. Just like right after DDay, it's the evenings/nights that are killing me.

Bombshell posted 6/8/2013 00:30 AM

Dear Green: I totally understand your position. I'm in the same boat, I'm looking at OLD. I've had two dates in 5 months. They didn't work out, but they have given me confidence about meeting people and coming out of my cocoon (house). It's also teaching me that it's okay to be alone and doing the things I want to do. One day I want to be in a relationship, but for the right reasons and hopefully as part of God's plan for me. My motto...."Right, left, right, left, right, left. It's the best I have right now.

UnsettledOne posted 6/8/2013 05:34 AM

For me taking up something new tied to the old..for instance I play guitar but also took up harmonica.

I took up cycling and found I really enjoy it and it keeps me very healthy.

On a more spiritual or revelational note..I stopped seeing myself as a married person outside a marriage. I began seeing myself as a single person with great opporunities because I was single...

I became one with singleness and found I really loved it...as soon as I did someone came into my life...ironic!

But it may be that we cannot find the right person until we are happy with self first. I am more confident, rejection free than any point in my life.

GreenMom posted 6/8/2013 18:55 PM

Thanks for your responses. I did pretty well today so far. Saw my IC this morning then spent the afternoon surrounded by family. Now it's getting to my roughest time of day. I'm planning a movie marathon and exercise, and hoping to get some solid sleep.

GreenMom posted 6/11/2013 19:28 PM

Evenings SUCK! Once the kids are in bed it is so damn quiet. I can't exactly go be Ms. Social Butterfly since I have the kids and work and etc. I am so damn lonely.