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Just found out partner of 7 years has been cheating

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Shaz21 posted 6/2/2013 12:30 PM

I found out my partner of 7 years has been cheating on me with someone I thought was his friend for the last 3 years . He lied about it right up to the day I confronted him with irrefutable evidence ( he gave me an sti ) . He even went places with her . During the time he was doing this he also proposed to me , we even chose the ring a week before I found out .
I'm in med school and I have upcoming exams which will determine whether or not I move forward to the following year . I have 250 topics to learn in 1 week because since I found out I haven't managed to study once . So I may fail my exams and be deregisted due to this situation.
He initially begged me to take him back , and I have , but I can't get the images of what he's been doing out of my mind .. I didn't deserve it .
So right now I'm looking at the easiest way to end it all , I'm in too much pain right now . I don't want to hurt n e more . I feel like I've lost everything .

Pass posted 6/2/2013 15:06 PM

Shaz, your life sucks right now, but please don't do anything rash. You may not know this, but if you call 911 and tell them you want to commit suicide, they will take you to a hospital, and you will be able to meet with a psychiatrist - no waiting.

Or you can call a friend or family member to take you to the hospital.

You've gone through a lot, and had some big shocks along the way. You need someone to help you. Please reach out for some help.

I tried to kill myself on January 31, 2012. I failed. Even though I am still having difficulty with depression and social anxiety, I am glad to be alive.

Recovery may take a while, but it will happen. Please give it a chance to do so!

Shaz21 posted 6/2/2013 15:22 PM

I know that's not what I really want . I couldn't bear to hurt my family . But I find that the mornings are the worst for me . I just feel so hopeless when I new day comes and I have to face all the pain for yet another day . My WBF seems to think he loves me and I don't understand that concept of love that he thinks he has .... I could never hurt him or anyone less like that . Never .
He says its because I've never given 100% of me to him emotionally and as such he always felt like he could easily be replaced .... So he cheats .
I know where my faults have been in the relationship , but I don't deserve to be treated so badly .
I have taken him back , but I don't trust him and would not put it past him to cheat again even today .. I also do not believe he loves me ... I'm not sure what he wants from me . I'm just the fool that loves him more than he deserves to be loved .

nolight posted 6/2/2013 16:25 PM

Shaz I'm sorry this must be overwhelming. The first time I went through this with my ex H was when I was at university, the roller coaster that I went through over those years made it very hard to focus on my degree. Have you spoken to your faculty staff? You may find that they are understanding and will assist you through this by allowing you to defer. Right now you need to prioritise the issues that need tackling then focus on one at a time as you get stronger. Take care if yourself hun.

[This message edited by nolight at 4:26 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)]

patriot posted 6/2/2013 16:42 PM


I am so sorry for your heartbreak and I know this is very overwhelming for you.

But, please focus on you and your upcoming exams. If your partner is the least bit caring right now, he will do anything to ensure that you have everything you need to pass your exams.

I know this is hard but please try to stay hydrated and eat to keep your strength and mental awareness and get plenty of rest.

Pass posted 6/2/2013 20:37 PM

I'm glad to hear it, Shaz. As you can tell, it's a hot topic for me. The others have given you some good advice.

If you ever do feel suicidal, please realize that you're not thinking right, and need some help. There are more people than you think (including complete strangers) who would like to help.

inlove67 posted 6/2/2013 22:15 PM

Please do not give up now; you can do this! I did terrible in my first year of law school and may also not be able to return in part because of what my significant other has done to me. I've also had many family issues and financial problems but what I realized is this is my low...this is your low. Don't give up...The worst is over made it through the storm now pick yourself up and show him that you don't need do NOT need him Shaz. And if you do decide to reconcile make him work his ASS off for it. you deserve the very best.. I felt the way you did too and being cheated on was undeserved on my end as well but I have realized it's not about us it's about them and their choices. Do not let his poor choices affect your life anymore..much easier said than done believe me..but to have made it to med school, i know you're a strong woman. You've got too much going for you to give up over someone else's mistakes. Best of luck..You can do it! (hugs)

Thinkingtoomuch posted 6/2/2013 23:02 PM

Shaz, besides what the others have said,you mentioned his reason to cheat:

because "you acted like you never gave 100% emotionally to him, and he always felt he could be easily replaced".

Don't take any responsibility for it at all. It's all on him. Remember it's from the cheater 101 book.

I was engaged to xf for 7 years. At Dday I accidentally found out, asked him, and he said "about a year." Well, with my own figuring, I think it was at least 2 years plus. The sudden shutting of the laptop when I showed up, the withholding (of real attention), progressive refusal to go into the grocery store with me, and the long bathroom stints that he must have been texting, off and on iritability and more. And yet, he still acted like he cared and told me he loved me every day. Double life, and in the early few years he doted on me and we were best friends the whole time. Who would have thought.

Something made me not want to "rush" into getting married, and he had gotten down on his knees on Christmas Eve in front of my parents to ask me.

Now I know he was a sneaking, lying, POS. (Can't believe I'm saying that). He traveled for work, and told his friends/family he was "dating someone else now". Unbeknownst to me. Felt like such a fool that I hadn't a clue. I also figured he took her to our vacation spot we had gone to 4 times. Had to put two and two together with his behavior at a certain time. Like an ah, ha! moment.

Anyway, read that yellow box at the top. Don't blame yourself. Nothing, absolutely nothing you did deserved the worst possible behavior one could do to a loved one.

I understand your dilemma about school. This stuff knocks you on your butt and wipes the brain out of commision. It actually helped me to work more, but my memory for all kinds of things did get bad and embarrassed me.

Good luck.

[This message edited by Thinkingtoomuch at 11:09 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)]

Shaz21 posted 6/3/2013 02:18 AM

I have gotten back with him , but I haven't made him fight for me . He has never had to . He just does what he wants and makes me feel like I'm wrong for feeling the way I do . He went on a boys weekend away this weekend .... And I wasnt happy about it ( we had agreed that he was to avoid hotels ) . He told me he's going thru alot and that I'm not there for him and no one is ..... Asked me what have I done other than argue with him and bring up the cheating... I was so hurt .
I don't believe he loves me. Even in this situation he still treats me less than I deserve . I know he's going thru hell with pre existing problems but he's not the only one ... The only difference is he's done this to me .
I love him and can't imagine life without him ... But I hate myself for allowing him to treat me like this . Can I be so bad a person that someone I love can do such horrible things and feel nothing. Idk

Shaz21 posted 6/3/2013 07:56 AM

Unfortunately spent the day looking up the OW online . Wish I hadn't ... She's better looking than I remember . Think I'm in a place today where I'm trying to torture myself . I am currently waiting to see a counsellor , hopefully they can help . Already seeing another but only manage to see her once a week .... The way I feel at the moment .... I think I need more contact time than that .
Found out through a tear filled conversation with the Head of my year that I may be able to defer my exams until Sept ... It will mean a summer of studying ... But at least I have a chance . Just waiting for it to be confirmed that this will be possible , then I can cry in peace without worrying about the exams

UndecidedinMA posted 6/3/2013 08:07 AM

I think deferring may be a good thing. If you take & don't pass do you get another chance or are you automatically dropped?

Also while you say it is not what you want, it can be a very spontaneous regret. Please have a phone number of a friend/relative/counselor you can call at any time day or night. I had access to a weapon right around DDay & a a very good friend tokk it and locked it up away from me. Dark places can creep on you.

I think you need to do some reading - 180 & start to get you dealbreakers in place. Do not let him blame shift on this, if he was that unhappy he should have told you or left. He chose to do neither but to be decietful & a liar.

I just remember telling my FWSO that anytiome he thought to blame this on me in anyway - remember who started this, who brought it to our door.

Shaz21 posted 6/17/2013 06:06 AM

Hi , thanks for all the support guys . Just figured I'd give an update for what's been happening in my 'wonderful life '.
Since my last post , my WBF and I have broken up . After everything things started to really go down hill for me ... I luckily managed to get my exam deferred ... My Dean ( who is a consultants psychiatrist ) could see I wasn't coping very well with everything and supported my request . My exam was meant to be last week ... Didn't do it . So it will be In sept now.
Prior to this my WBF had somehow decided that the best thing to do in my state is to go on a boys weekend away which I was very unhappy and emotional about . The following weekend ... The weekend before the week I was supposed to be doing my exams but couldn't ... He. Decides to go on another weekend away ( which he said was paid for months in advance for an event with a group of single loser friends .
I cried and cried , tried to talk to him .... He just argued and said 'if i wanna go out with my friends , I'm gonna go out with my friends '. So I left his house .
Admittedly he tried to call me for a few days after that , but I knew he would just act like nothing happened so I never answered or spoke to him .
Eventually I sent him some messages telling him how I felt and that I needed him and I felt like he wasn't being sensitive to my needs .
I even asked him if he wanted me to just leave so he could live his life ... He said he didn't want me to go. After this I called him ... He was already on the train on his way to his weekend away .
I was devastated . I felt like I didn't matter .... He didn't even care .
The night he was on his way back he said he would talk to me properly ASAP . I felt like he had just gone and did what he wanted to then now he's back he wanted to fix things . Manipulation at its greatest.
The morning he came back I had noticed he had put up a status saying 'I love MANCHESTER ' ( the place in the UK he had gone to ) .
I took that as a slap in the face . He knew I would see that . Maybe I was being self centred in feeling that was directed at me and he was being a dick ... But how else can I feel right now .
So I broke up with him .... ( hoping he would see how serious I was ... Hoping he would realise what he had been doing to me )
He never resisted . Just claimed to be 'falling apart ' at work .
I just wanted him to show me he cared ... He didn't .
We have spoken since and he claims he never wanted to break up .. But thinks we should leave things as they are and take time apart to think ... I agree we need time to sort our heads out because so much crap has happened that we never stopped to breathe .
I have so many mixed feelings ..., I spent 7 yrs of my life with this man ... He proposed to me just 2.5 months ago but now he won't fight for me .
He stil maintains that I never treated him right and that's what lead to him doing what he did ... And no matter how much I try and tell him how I feel he seems to trivialise what he has done to me and talk incessantly about how I mistreated him ... I feel like he feels that I deserve all this .. Why else is he doing this ... Why is he making me feel like I'm nothing.
My greatest concern is that after this 'break/ breakup' he'll either just completely disappear from my life or just say he's over it .
I also wonder if he's just giving me time to be weened off him so that when he does leave he won't be responsible for me breaking down... You know like for his own ego to know that he didn't just cheat on me and then leave me ... I don't what to think ... But I'm going crazy .
We speak very rarely at the moment because we're meant to be thinking things through .. But he seems a little detached so I fear that the women he speaks to are giving him the comfort he wants in regards to this situation and that eventually he' ll feel like the grass is greener on the other side .
He has made me feel like the worst woman in the world ... So I don't expect him to stay ... But because of this 'break/break up /time to think' bull I feel like I'm in limbo.
So confused .

FeelingSoMuch posted 6/17/2013 09:40 AM

It's really shitty of him to blame the A on you. I'm sorry for that -- it's not the truth and it makes the pain worse.

Stay strong. Read about the 180, focus on school. You sound like a wonderful person with a bright future. Fight for your future, everything else will come.

seekingright2013 posted 6/17/2013 14:50 PM


So sorry you are going through this.

You're smart and in medical school, for gosh sakes. Think about what you want your life to look like in 5, 10 years. You have your whole life ahead of you and NOTHING, thank the good lord, to tie you to this jerk. Kick him to the kerb and don't even hang around to watch him bounce.

I know you don't feel like it now, but in reality he has given you a tremendous gift of showing you who he is. BELIEVE him. Do you want to be dealing with this crap with a baby or two in tow, and trying to get your practice started?? Hell to the no!

Yes, it was seven years. Yes, you loved him. Find a good IC, grieve, study, focus on YOU and move on.

Lemme tell ya, I'd love to be 25 and in medical school. Focus on you and creating a wonderful future for YOU, doc.


Oh, and there is great support here. Check out new beginnings, the forum down below. You will survive this!

[This message edited by seekingright2013 at 2:53 PM, June 17th (Monday)]

Shaz21 posted 6/18/2013 03:51 AM

Thanks guys , I really appreciate the advice and support . I feel so emotionally tied up with the WBF and I'm in a state where I can't imagine life without him as pathetic as it sounds . How do u begin to let go .... I'm pretty sure that during this 'break/breakup' that he's sleeping with the world ! Whilst I'm here crying and thinking about him all day . How do u forget him ... I feel like he has my heart in the palm of his hands and he's just squeezing as much as he can out of it .
How can someone who claims to love you be so cold and evil ... How can they believe u deserve that ?

seekingright2013 posted 6/18/2013 05:21 AM

Shaz, I remember those feelings. I broke up with asshat-shit weasel last Nov. and I STILL occasionally feel that way.

Here are SOME of the things I did. Found a therapist and started seeing her weekly. Read lots of books, one of the best ones was Getting past your breakup by Susan Elliott. There are lots of writing exercises in there, and i found those to be helpful. I leaned on girlfriends. I tried to be very good to myself.

Check out also the healing library ... Upper left of screen, yellow box. There is info there on detaching emotionally.

The plain truth is, it's hard and it takes TIME to work through it.

Are you close to your family? Or do you have some friends you could go visit? Maybe getting away for a few days would help?

Hang in there, Shaz. I'm SO glad you got the extension. You have SO much to look forward to, even if you can't *feel* it right now.

seekingright2013 posted 6/18/2013 05:21 AM

Oops double post crunchy goodness, sorry

[This message edited by seekingright2013 at 5:23 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)]

Blobette posted 6/18/2013 13:39 PM

Try to think about what this guy is doing for you -- NOTHING. Is he kind to you? Considerate? Support you when you're down? Clearly not. He did something truly shitty to you by cheating -- is he sorry? No, he blames it on YOU. To deflect the conversation from his heinous behavior. You really don't need this. You need someone who genuinely cares about YOU and supports YOU.

And he's pulled the oldest break-up trick in the book. Cowards who don't want to end it just act like jerks so that they can say that you're the baddie, you're the one who chose to end it.

Hard to believe it now, but you will look back on this as a huge, huge blessing. You got this jerk out of your life. Who needs someone like this, someone who makes you feel terrible? That is NOT what love is about. He is not being loving in any way, shape or form. He doesn't know HOW to love.

Do you have some friends or family to lean on? You need folks to hug you and tell you how wonderful you are, and how much you deserve to be loved properly. Please, please reach out. So glad you got your exams deferred. FTG and rock them! That'll show him! (But that's for later. Right now, you can grieve.)

OK now posted 6/18/2013 20:36 PM

Shaz believe or not if you don't quickly pull yourself together and concentrate 100% on your exams, you will look back in disbelief in a few years time that you threw away your medical career with tears wasted on this cheater. I wouldn't be surprised if your partner doesn't feel threatened and jealous of your success to the point of being pleased that you may fail.

You hold your entire future here in your hands. Don't let this heartless creep take your golden career away!! Please!!

Get back to those books and promise yourself you will delay your grief [and any final decision], until after you have passed this years exams in September.

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