Or you can call a friend or family member to take you to the hospital.
You've gone through a lot, and had some big shocks along the way. You need someone to help you. Please reach out for some help.
I tried to kill myself on January 31, 2012. I failed. Even though I am still having difficulty with depression and social anxiety, I am glad to be alive.
Recovery may take a while, but it will happen. Please give it a chance to do so!
The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous!
[This message edited by nolight at 4:26 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)]
I am so sorry for your heartbreak and I know this is very overwhelming for you.
But, please focus on you and your upcoming exams. If your partner is the least bit caring right now, he will do anything to ensure that you have everything you need to pass your exams.
I know this is hard but please try to stay hydrated and eat to keep your strength and mental awareness and get plenty of rest.
If you ever do feel suicidal, please realize that you're not thinking right, and need some help. There are more people than you think (including complete strangers) who would like to help.
because "you acted like you never gave 100% emotionally to him, and he always felt he could be easily replaced".
Don't take any responsibility for it at all. It's all on him. Remember it's from the cheater 101 book.
I was engaged to xf for 7 years. At Dday I accidentally found out, asked him, and he said "about a year." Well, with my own figuring, I think it was at least 2 years plus. The sudden shutting of the laptop when I showed up, the withholding (of real attention), progressive refusal to go into the grocery store with me, and the long bathroom stints that he must have been texting, off and on iritability and more. And yet, he still acted like he cared and told me he loved me every day. Double life, and in the early few years he doted on me and we were best friends the whole time. Who would have thought.
Something made me not want to "rush" into getting married, and he had gotten down on his knees on Christmas Eve in front of my parents to ask me.
Now I know he was a sneaking, lying, POS. (Can't believe I'm saying that). He traveled for work, and told his friends/family he was "dating someone else now". Unbeknownst to me. Felt like such a fool that I hadn't a clue. I also figured he took her to our vacation spot we had gone to 4 times. Had to put two and two together with his behavior at a certain time. Like an ah, ha! moment.
Anyway, read that yellow box at the top. Don't blame yourself. Nothing, absolutely nothing you did deserved the worst possible behavior one could do to a loved one.
I understand your dilemma about school. This stuff knocks you on your butt and wipes the brain out of commision. It actually helped me to work more, but my memory for all kinds of things did get bad and embarrassed me.
[This message edited by Thinkingtoomuch at 11:09 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)]
Also while you say it is not what you want, it can be a very spontaneous regret. Please have a phone number of a friend/relative/counselor you can call at any time day or night. I had access to a weapon right around DDay & a a very good friend tokk it and locked it up away from me. Dark places can creep on you.
I think you need to do some reading - 180 & start to get you dealbreakers in place. Do not let him blame shift on this, if he was that unhappy he should have told you or left. He chose to do neither but to be decietful & a liar.
I just remember telling my FWSO that anytiome he thought to blame this on me in anyway - remember who started this, who brought it to our door.
Stay strong. Read about the 180, focus on school. You sound like a wonderful person with a bright future. Fight for your future, everything else will come.
So sorry you are going through this.
You're smart and in medical school, for gosh sakes. Think about what you want your life to look like in 5, 10 years. You have your whole life ahead of you and NOTHING, thank the good lord, to tie you to this jerk. Kick him to the kerb and don't even hang around to watch him bounce.
I know you don't feel like it now, but in reality he has given you a tremendous gift of showing you who he is. BELIEVE him. Do you want to be dealing with this crap with a baby or two in tow, and trying to get your practice started?? Hell to the no!
Yes, it was seven years. Yes, you loved him. Find a good IC, grieve, study, focus on YOU and move on.
Lemme tell ya, I'd love to be 25 and in medical school. Focus on you and creating a wonderful future for YOU, doc.
Oh, and there is great support here. Check out new beginnings, the forum down below. You will survive this!
[This message edited by seekingright2013 at 2:53 PM, June 17th (Monday)]
Here are SOME of the things I did. Found a therapist and started seeing her weekly. Read lots of books, one of the best ones was Getting past your breakup by Susan Elliott. There are lots of writing exercises in there, and i found those to be helpful. I leaned on girlfriends. I tried to be very good to myself.
Check out also the healing library ... Upper left of screen, yellow box. There is info there on detaching emotionally.
The plain truth is, it's hard and it takes TIME to work through it.
Are you close to your family? Or do you have some friends you could go visit? Maybe getting away for a few days would help?
Hang in there, Shaz. I'm SO glad you got the extension. You have SO much to look forward to, even if you can't *feel* it right now.
[This message edited by seekingright2013 at 5:23 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)]
And he's pulled the oldest break-up trick in the book. Cowards who don't want to end it just act like jerks so that they can say that you're the baddie, you're the one who chose to end it.
Hard to believe it now, but you will look back on this as a huge, huge blessing. You got this jerk out of your life. Who needs someone like this, someone who makes you feel terrible? That is NOT what love is about. He is not being loving in any way, shape or form. He doesn't know HOW to love.
Do you have some friends or family to lean on? You need folks to hug you and tell you how wonderful you are, and how much you deserve to be loved properly. Please, please reach out. So glad you got your exams deferred. FTG and rock them! That'll show him! (But that's for later. Right now, you can grieve.)
You hold your entire future here in your hands. Don't let this heartless creep take your golden career away!! Please!!
Get back to those books and promise yourself you will delay your grief [and any final decision], until after you have passed this years exams in September.