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Why is it so odd / unacceptable to others to not date

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bestrongforyou posted 6/2/2013 13:15 PM

I am 4 years out and not in a relationship and I swear to god one day I am going to explode I like my life as it is right now - I have my own house, 2 fab kids - a new job I like - so why oh why can people not stop wondering / asking why I am not dating???

I meet new people and the first question - where is your partner from? Oh you are "alone"? how long ? - 4 years??? - then the pity look followed by the comment - don't worry it will work our for you

It is actually funny reading it back now but in the moment it is just annoying

Why is it so important to people that I have a partner? I will for my life not understand it - ever...

time2grow posted 6/2/2013 14:01 PM

the pity look

In my opinion they are denying their own issues and it's nothing more than egocentric superiority. I don't need people like that in my life.

Its been 2 1/2 years for me, I've run into it a couple of times. I've learned to smile inside and be thankful I don't have the problems they do.

inhishands55 posted 6/2/2013 14:15 PM

Don't worry about what others say...It took me 5 yrs after the D before I even considered seeing anyone...It is your choice and that way you can focus on you and your children...

Everyone always thinks they know what is best for you..My brothers and friends were always wondering why I didn't have anyone in my life...It was my time for me...When and if you decide to have someone you will..

If you keep a smile on your face people will wonder what you are smiling about...It isn't so bad to be without a relationship...You don't have to clean, cook or answer to anyone...There is advantages to being single...

InnerLight posted 6/2/2013 15:31 PM

Maybe they are active love and sex addicts and think they would die if they weren't hooked up?

Congratulations on having so much together after 4 years. Good for you! That's so great.

I see my SO 1-2x a week and people look at me sadly like this is not a real relationship and something must be wrong. It makes me second guess myself and us sometimes and then I feel annoyed too.

I think if people can imagine that you have problems or imperfections then they momentarily get themselves off the hook for where they feel unsatisfied or unfulfilled.

Sad in AZ posted 6/2/2013 17:48 PM

you are "alone"? how long ?

Strangers seriously ask this question??? Jeez; they'd just get the evil eye from me. That is incredibly rude. I would just not engage with these idiots.

OnceInALifetime posted 6/2/2013 21:16 PM

I've never felt outside pressure to find a romantic partner. Plenty of internal pressure, but that's a different matter.

Maybe this stems from an old sexist attitude that a woman is incomplete without a man? Are these people who give you this nonsense attitude particularly old-fashioned?

hurtinky posted 6/2/2013 22:18 PM

I get this a lot also. It is irritating. It feels like I'm being put on the spot, to explain my personal life to people.

I can't imagine asking people these same questions, or asking a married person, "Are you still married? How's it going?"

The way I look at it, if someone wants me to know something about their personal life, they will tell me. Otherwise, it's really none of my business. But, clearly, not everyone sees it that way.

When people question me about it, I just tell them I'm not seeing anyone and then drop it. I don't owe them an explanation about my personal situation.

What drives me bonkers is when people ask me about my ex's personal life. That's just beyond rude. My standard response, because it's the truth, is, "I have no idea and I don't care what he's doing."

tesla posted 6/3/2013 06:56 AM

I love it when my grandma looks at me with sadness and says, "Don't worry, you are good wife material, someone will snatch you up soon."
But that's grandma.

Strangers commenting on my lack of a partner? Jeez, I would find that incredibly rude and I'd probably have to give them a raised eyebrow and dare them to continue their line of inquiry.

bestrongforyou posted 6/3/2013 07:49 AM

You see I am German living in Ireland and my STBXH is Irish now living abroad with OW and twins , so the first question I get all the time - is your partner Irish or German? I would never assume someone is in a relationship, ever, but everyone does - probably because of the kids and when I clarify that I am separated I am getting that look - many, many times

That's mostly people I just meet - and people who know me better either suggest very strongly online dating or casual sex at least
I just don't get it - what does it matter to them how my life looks like - it's similar to the situation I encountered after we split 4 years ago - I decided for the first time in my life not to work for a few months and to be there for the kids after their dad decided not to come home anymore. The grief I got my goodness - not my closest friends thank god but acquaintances mainly... and you know what - it was the best thing I ever did - I stayed home for 9 months and then got a new job after they were ready and I was ready

It felt like it was not acceptable to not work even if by choice

[This message edited by bestrongforyou at 7:49 AM, June 3rd (Monday)]

need_hope posted 6/3/2013 08:38 AM

followed by the comment - don't worry it will work our for you

The appropriate response to this is "Thanks. It already has." And then smile a mysterious smile and move on.

nowiknow23 posted 6/3/2013 08:47 AM

Of course people find it odd. Most people are programmed from very early by society, media, etc. that single is a temporary state and the goal is to be paired up.

Single and happy is not something they see portrayed or modeled.

7yrsflushed posted 6/3/2013 14:43 PM

I love it when my grandma looks at me with sadness and says, "Don't worry, you are good wife material, someone will snatch you up soon."
But that's grandma
This had me cracking up because if my Grandmother were still alive I would hear the same thing along with her trying to hook me up with every single woman in the church. My Mother actually told me this when I told her I was getting a D.

Back on topic, I believe many people don't have a clue how to be happy by themselves. Jerry MacGuire was wrong. No one should "complete" you. Your significant other, if you choose to have one, should complement you. You are complete in and of yourself.

People can add or take away from your level of happiness with their actions and how they interact with you but ultimately you are responsible for your own happiness. Just my 2 cents.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 2:45 PM, June 3rd (Monday)]

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