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cantaccept posted 6/2/2013 13:29 PM

This last week has been the absolute worst.

H and I are in IC and MC. It is not working. He does not understand what it takes to get through this. I know if I would just shut up and pretend to be happy he would be fine. I also know that I cannot sell myself so cheaply and if I were to do so the cycle of abuse and ultimately betrayal will be repeated.

This morning I gave him again my deal breakers.

AA, no drinking, he becomes abusive and it has escalated recently, one time to being physical because I no longer back down and take it.

His response is he will stop drinking but is not sure he is willing to commit to AA.

Read, learn, be proactive. I cannot heal this marriage alone. He needs to do this, to prove to me he is serious about creating a better marriage. I sure as hell don't want the old one back. I feel this is one small concrete gesture that he can do for me, I understand it makes him uncomfortable, but if I am willing to go through this hell to reconcile with him he can feel some discomfort. By refusing this request, it shows that I am just not that important to him.

His response again I will. He is not sure he is capable of giving the support that I need from him. At least he is being honest and not blaming me for choosing my pain.

Also there is the standard, NC, passwords, knowing his whereabouts. It's funny but to me the emotional openness seems so much more important. It means so much to me.

If I don't know what you think or what you are feeling I don't know who you are. Does that make sense?

8am tomorrow MC appointment. This is what I want to focus on. Can he commit to these things or not? I cannot go on like this any longer. My patience is waning, I am hurting and he continues to hurt me. One more time of drunken cruelty, I am done. He will have to move out. I told him it is like dying of thirst in the desert and you are holding the water out of my reach. He told me he hates analogies.

He isn't sure he is able to face the damage that he has created. He said it is too painful, not who he should be.

He should have thought of that before he chose to leave me for his "soulmate".

Just venting, hard, hard day.

Area2 posted 6/2/2013 13:38 PM

Hugs to you... Stay strong, you are so worth the effort and let's hope the MC can make him see this. Don't give in on your demands. I lowered my expectations and he barely met those. I wish I'd had the strength to insist on him meeting my requirements instead of giving up. Don't repeat my mistake.

ButterflyGirl posted 6/2/2013 13:49 PM

I'm so sorry honey. One time of physical abuse is too many. Completely unacceptable.

And being drunk is not an excuse, but even if it was, then why isn't he willing to do everything he can to prevent it from happening again? Being wishy washy on AA sounds like he's wishy washy on whether he cares if he hurts you again. Completely unacceptable..

You decide when this ends. Put up your boundaries and be firm and follow through on the consequences for breaking them..

Huge hugs..

Skan posted 6/2/2013 22:49 PM

If he doesn't commit to everything that you're asking, which is beyond reasonable, tomorrow, then boot him out.

He isn't sure he is able to face the damage that he has created. He said it is too painful, not who he should be.

Boo, frigging, hoo. Wha Wha Whaaaaa. He shat upon the floor and can't face cleaning it up? Cue the crying baby sounds again. This is not who he should be? What he should have been was someone who could keep his pants zipped up. What he should have been was faithful. What he should have been was truthful. What he should have been was a MAN vice a puleing baby.

He's shortchanging you. You are worth far, far more than that.

jb3199 posted 6/3/2013 05:06 AM

He isn't sure he is able to face the damage that he has created. He said it is too painful, not who he should be.

This is what you have to learn to accept.

Take it from the BS of a recovering alcoholic---if he doesn't WANT to go to AA, and commit himself to it, then it will never work.

As a matter of fact, you can compare his sobriety to your marriage. Neither will succeed without his total commitment. Period. That has to come from himself.

Whether he isn't ready to make wholesale changes now, or ever, is what you have to make your future decisions upon. Can you accept the status quo? I assume not. Can you allow more time for your WH to "come around"? That is entirely up to you.

My WW is committed to AA....this time around. A few years ago, she went---not necessarily with reluctance or defiance---but definitely without commitment and desire. And the results are what most people would expect---she was a dry drunk. Sober for a year. But it did nothing positive....probably the opposite.

It just happens that her awakening came at the time of my largest emotional detachment from her---I was lining up my divorce---and she realized that she needed to sober up whether or not we stayed together. Her "aha" moment, if you will. But not necessarily due to my actions.

Your WH needs to find this. I believe the best chance of that is when you not give him an ultimatum, but when you distance yourself, and realize that you will survive without him. Maybe even thrive without him....because you can't and shouldn't have to live like you currently are.

When I first came to this site over 3 years ago, I kept reading that you have to take care of you first. And I never really believed that....until a long time later. But it is true. It is paramount. You have to be selfish(taking care of your healing first) for the right reasons. Everything else will fall into place when you are healing and moving forward from the current quagmire that you are standing in.

The best way to help your WH is to leave him no option but to deal with his own problems.