"I'm still standing better than I ever did. Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid" Elton John
This last week has been the absolute worst.
H and I are in IC and MC. It is not working. He does not understand what it takes to get through this. I know if I would just shut up and pretend to be happy he would be fine. I also know that I cannot sell myself so cheaply and if I were to do so the cycle of abuse and ultimately betrayal will be repeated.
This morning I gave him again my deal breakers.
AA, no drinking, he becomes abusive and it has escalated recently, one time to being physical because I no longer back down and take it.
His response is he will stop drinking but is not sure he is willing to commit to AA.
Read, learn, be proactive. I cannot heal this marriage alone. He needs to do this, to prove to me he is serious about creating a better marriage. I sure as hell don't want the old one back. I feel this is one small concrete gesture that he can do for me, I understand it makes him uncomfortable, but if I am willing to go through this hell to reconcile with him he can feel some discomfort. By refusing this request, it shows that I am just not that important to him.
His response again I will. He is not sure he is capable of giving the support that I need from him. At least he is being honest and not blaming me for choosing my pain.
Also there is the standard, NC, passwords, knowing his whereabouts. It's funny but to me the emotional openness seems so much more important. It means so much to me.
If I don't know what you think or what you are feeling I don't know who you are. Does that make sense?
8am tomorrow MC appointment. This is what I want to focus on. Can he commit to these things or not? I cannot go on like this any longer. My patience is waning, I am hurting and he continues to hurt me. One more time of drunken cruelty, I am done. He will have to move out. I told him it is like dying of thirst in the desert and you are holding the water out of my reach. He told me he hates analogies.
He isn't sure he is able to face the damage that he has created. He said it is too painful, not who he should be.
He should have thought of that before he chose to leave me for his "soulmate".
Just venting, hard, hard day.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
I attempted R, he was a li