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The WS Why

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hopeful18 posted 6/2/2013 14:17 PM

I have often read that wh is broken and needs to find out how they are broken in order not to repeat the cheating. So my wh as of now has come up with that he was just not happy because he was not attracted to me. He has proclaimed that it is not an excuse and feels that it sounds shallow but he is being honest. Obviously many people are unhappy in this regard and do not cheat. He is in ic and I am sure they will figure if out. My question is what is broken about WS's. Just seems they are selfish. What reasons did other ws uncover that were able to be fixed? Low self esteem? No healthy communication or coping skills? Just curious what it is that could be broken?

TXwifemom posted 6/2/2013 14:18 PM

Yes, they're selfish.

That's simply what is broken.

Why they are selfish varies.

catlover50 posted 6/2/2013 15:37 PM

There are many different reasons that a WS allows themselves to act out in this particularly devastating way. I, for one, think it is important for the WS to do the work to figure out their why. My fWH wrote me a 5 page narrative on his whys, starting with his childhood. In his case it was very complicated and his work at understanding helped us both. And yes he is working to fix himself and has become all I could have hoped for.

Others may have simpler answers, but knowing that simple why doesn't explain how they allowed themselves to make that choice, out of all other options. And I think that is important.

Good luck.

AFrayedKnot posted 6/2/2013 16:27 PM

I think that if the why's include anything outside of themselves it is blame shifting.

Tripletrouble posted 6/2/2013 16:52 PM

The statistics are daunting. The numbers are as high as 70% of men and over half of women will cheat during a committed relationship. Maybe because society looks at it with a wink and a nod (good grief look at television and the open advertising of sites like Ashley Madison) people get the idea it is acceptable. Or cool. Or no big deal. And In all seriousness - aren't we all a little broken? Does anyone over the age of say, 20, not walk around with some issues? So why do some cheat and some don't? Opportunity? Morals? These are vexing questions.

Ascendant posted 6/2/2013 17:00 PM

And In all seriousness - aren't we all a little broken? Does anyone over the age of say, 20, not walk around with some issues?

Exactly.

Knowing posted 6/2/2013 17:05 PM

I have issues (CSA, incest, abuse & neglect at the hands of my drug addicted alcoholic mother, etc) but I have a long history of seeking counselling and getting help for my problems.

In contrast my fWS has FOO issues and doesn't believe/accept/acknowlege that people have feelings or needs.

ms521 posted 6/2/2013 18:00 PM

Anything that suggests even slightly that the BS is remotely at fault for the cheating is blameshifting. It is not your fault, hopeful. Attraction certainly plays a role in our desires, but it is not a valid "why" to the question of why someone cheated. Our MC suggested that we're not looking for the shallow "why we cheated" answer but the much deeper "what is it inside ME that allowed me to do something I knew was hurtful, dangerous, and wrong?"

The answer to THAT has nothing to do with attraction, sexual desire, marital happiness, stress, finances, kids, coworkers, self-esteem, etc. It's all about whatever it is in the WS that won't heal until it is recognized and addressed.

hopeful18 posted 6/3/2013 11:07 AM

Thanks for the thoughtful replies. In wh case I can't see what is broken yet and therefore worry he can't fix it. I guess it would make me feel somewhat better to know what that issue is. Otherwise he is just a selfish non caring person. Know what I mean? He did not have any trauma in his childhood,etc.

LA44 posted 6/3/2013 11:15 AM

Hi hopefull18, I just posted something like this on this this forum called, Sky-Diving.
My H isn't a selfish, non-caring person which makes this so very difficult to understand. My IC session helped me to understand that this was set to play out long ago.

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