Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

New here

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

vb1984 posted 6/2/2013 14:55 PM

Hi, I'm new to this site and I'll try to post regularly but I'm not the best at message boards. About 2 months ago I found messages between my husband and another woman, this wasn't the first time so I told him I was finished. He was sad for a while and I started thinking that maybe with some therapy we'd be ok. As soon as I changed my mind he was locking his phone, it was because he'd met someone else, now he is staying with her. He says she isn't his girlfriend (because he's still married) and that they have kissed but not slept together. Suddenly he is telling me how he's always been unhappy with me and is done pretending.

We've been married for 9 years and I've been a SAHM for most of it. I've spoken to an attorney and want to do a dissolution rather than a divorce. I don't know what I'm really looking for here other than maybe some advice and encouragement. I'm so lost and so sad that I'll have to leave my babies with someone else and find a job. I have a BA but no experience. My whole life is changing and it's so hard to deal with!

debbysbaby posted 6/2/2013 15:46 PM

I am so sorry you find yourself here. You are likely still in the shock phase of this. Your husband is a douchebag. Make sure you get temporary orders of child support and spousal support so he can't cut you off financially. Go see a good attorney for a (likely free) consultation if you haven't already and post often. I am 8 years out of my divorce. I also have 3 children with my expoopsmear. You can look at my profile for a condensed version. It will get better, but it will take time.


vb1984 posted 6/2/2013 20:14 PM

Thank you. I'm just so confused now, he keeps telling me how happy he is now, it's like he's trying to rub it in my face. He tells me he wasn't happy at all with me and hadn't been for a long time, that's just not true! We have a 6 month old baby, of course I was not paying attention to him constantly lately! Not only did we have a baby (a baby we very much wanted because we were happy together and had a wonderful family) but I was adjusting to taking care of 3 children.

Lyonesse posted 6/2/2013 20:27 PM

he keeps telling me how happy he is now, it's like he's trying to rub it in my face.
Trying to convince himself, it sounds like.

He tells me he wasn't happy at all with me and hadn't been for a long time, that's just not true!

This rewriting of the marriage is typical - otherwise, they would have to admit they are going off the rails for no good reason at all. Much easier to hide from theirselves and try to blame you.

Even though you have realized D/S is the only option if he continues to hide and lie, you may find it useful to read in the Healing Library (yellow box, at right) and also in the forums in JFO and General. The more you read, the more you will see this kind of blameshifting is a very typical dynamic.

Please make sure you and the kids will be taken care of financially - do you give anything up if you do a dissolution? This is the one area you need to be very level-headed about, as it can make a difference in your quality of life post-D. You can fall apart emotionally in IC and on SI, but you need to be a shark about the legal/financial aspect, for your kid's sakes. I am not in D myself at present, but I read here all the time because the folks are very clear-sighted and full of good advice.

Weekends are slow, but you will get lots of support and advice if you continue to post.

Welcome to SI. I am sorry you need to be here, but it is a great resource for you.

Added: if you need a little encouragement, you might check out this thread:

[This message edited by Lyonesse at 8:31 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)]

tryingagain74 posted 6/2/2013 20:51 PM

Hi, and welcome. I'm sorry that you're here but glad that you found us under the circumstances.

I have no advice about a dissolution, but please be careful. Like the previous posters said, make sure that you and your kiddos are protected. You are entitled to CS and likely alimony since you've stayed at home and don't have work experience. My situation as a former SAHM is sort of unusual (returned to work part-time before the A occurred), but there are SAHMs on here who have gone through the same thing as you. I'm sure that they can give you all sorts of great advice.

I can say from my experience that my STBX really didn't like the amount of time that I spent on the kids. He is a very needy person and must have been under the impression that I'd give birth to the kids and just stick them in a playpen somewhere while we continued on with our lives as though nothing had changed. When the reality hit him that I was a very busy and tired person who wasn't there to dance attendance on his every need, then he went out and got himself a warm body as well. It's an unoriginal and pathetic excuse coming out of the mouth of an insecure person. Plenty of men are delighted when their children are born and help their wives rather than pout because they don't get as much attention from them.

Please also get tested for STDs. WSs frequently lie about the level of physical activity they've engaged in-- mine also said that they did nothing but kiss, but after further interrogation, I learned that they had unprotected sex on numerous occasions. Don't expect your WH to come clean with information like that; to be on the safe side, make an appointment with your ob/gyn and get tested for everything.

I know it's overwhelming; I never thought that I'd be where I am today (moved out in a great home, making great progress on learning how to care for things myself, managing a work/life balance so that I'm not too overwhelmed, three great kids who are pretty happy with our "new" family most of the time). Just take it one day at a time. Don't think about the big picture. Take care of yourself so that you can take care of your kids.


[This message edited by tryingagain74 at 8:55 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)]

Nature_Girl posted 6/2/2013 20:56 PM

What is the advantage of a dissolution vs divorce? How is there a difference?

Phoenix1 posted 6/2/2013 21:22 PM

What is the advantage of a dissolution vs. divorce?

In our state a dissolution can be a DIY solution. Both parties agree on division of assets/debts, agree to use guideline CS, and agree on everything else. It is literally a fill in the blank document you can get at the courthouse. Fill it out, sign, pay $150 filing fee, have it reviewed in front of a judge/magistrate to make sure they agree it is fair for both parties, and poof, M dissolved. A divorce is the full blown courtroom hearing, discovery, etc. and can drag on for months/years and cost thousands.

Nature_Girl posted 6/2/2013 21:33 PM

Oh. Yeah. I see. I'm definitely getting a divorce, then!

ButterflyGirl posted 6/2/2013 21:41 PM

He tells me he wasn't happy at all with me and hadn't been for a long time, that's just not true!

This is gaslighting, trying to make you believe something that just isn't true, and you can find out more about it in the healing library, which I highly recommend.

It's tempting to argue back with an unremorseful spouse who spews all these lies, but it's really wasting your breath. He is going to say whatever he wants now. You guys are separated, he doesn't sound like he has any remorse or regret, he's emotionally abusing you by rubbing it all in your face, and you are the enemy now, so don't expect him to admit any of his faults or take any blame.. All the blame will be shifted onto you, but prepared to ignore and not let him drag you down. You know the truth..

I agree to get full STD testing. Cheaters lie..

I would also say that dissolution is a good idea and would save tons of money if you really know the finances in and out and don't expect him to be hiding anything. You say you consulted with an attorney, so perhaps this is the best option for you.

But liars cheat, and cheaters lie. By going the divorce route, I'm finding out about LOTS of stuff I didn't know had we not done discovery.. And he's STILL lying and trying to hide stuff.. I would tread carefully.. The way you end the marriage, especially with children, will have effects for YEARS to come. Maybe do some digging around and make sure he isn't hiding anything and you get everything you are entitled to..

Big hugs to you..

vb1984 posted 6/3/2013 08:49 AM

Thank you so much everyone, it really helps to know that the way he is acting right now is normal. Well, at least normal for this type of situation. I really do want to go with a dissolution, as long as he agrees to give us enough money to get by and will continue to do so for a while I see no reason to drag things out. I just wish I could force him to go to therapy and to make sure he takes care of himself for the kids. I'm worried he is on this "high" right now and will eventually crash. He's dealt with depression for a long time and has a very addictive personality, so all he will do is hurt himself and his daughters if he doesn't get help.

ButterflyGirl posted 6/3/2013 09:37 AM

I just wish I could force him to go to therapy and to make sure he takes care of himself for the kids.

Me too.. But we could do nothing about them being shit husbands, so we can do nothing about them being shit dads.. Being a shit dad has definitely been the harder one for me to accept..

You are starting to figure things out and realize how typical this crap is from him and you are letting him go and distancing yourself. That's great.. You realize you can only control you and not change what he thinks/feels/does..

Sad to say this extends to the kids. You can only control you, so this would mean getting them counseling, talking to them, showing them extra love, anything you can to give them at least one good parent.

Unfortunately, being a general lying cheating asshole isn't against the law, but if he's mentally unstable, addicted to substances and using around the kids, or hurting them physically in any way, you can and SHOULD use any resources available to protect them. If you think they are in danger, it's your responsibility to take it to the next level. You can't make him want help. You can only protect yourself and the kids the best ways you know how..

It's tempting to think we can handle this on our own, like if we do or say the right thing they will *get it.* But so many times you just can't. From my experience, I don't think an unremorseful spouse will take any advice from you, ESPECIALLY not parenting advice.. Don't forget, to him, EVERYTHING is still YOUR fault..

vb1984 posted 6/3/2013 10:14 AM

Thank you. He has been sober for 4.5 years (recovering alcoholic). But he does have addictive tendencies still. He is addicted to women and attention, that is for sure. I don't think he is unsafe for the girls to be around right now, I just worry about him putting himself in unsafe situations and drinking again.

TrustGone posted 6/3/2013 16:38 PM

My XWH#1 stopped drinking for a few years prior to our D. He just replaced it with medication. After the D he did start drinking again and had to go into rehab for a while to get himself back together (as much as he will ever be able to). Don't be surprised if your WH doesn't also go off the wagon as things start to come down on him. Just take care of yourself and your kids. Let him take care of himself. (((HUGS)))

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.