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I need some understanding.

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knightsbff posted 6/2/2013 15:31 PM

I don't want to examine flaws on my BHs thinking or try to tell him what to think, I just want to try to understand.

We went on a long walk the other night and he was talking about how his school days weren't fun for him. High school was hell for him and college was hard work. He missed out on things like prom and he never really dated much.

I think my A has made him look back with bitterness because he worked very hard to make sure his married life would be good one day. And he ended up being burned by infidelity anyway.

In contrast, I was a party girl in high school and college. I was divorced and a single parent when my BH met and fell in love with me. He was a virgin because he chose to wait until married.

He looks back on his school memories with pain because they were hard. I look back on mine with pain because I can see the crappy decisions fueled by my need to hide from my demons.

Back to the walk....he was saying how he has never gotten to really enjoy life. It has always been hard work for him. Instead of just listening I initially defended that he does fun things now... We travel a little, we go to concerts, etc... He says everything we do now is tainted by the A.

I would be fine with hunkering down in the house (I'm sure I'm depressed) but he really wants to go out and do these things. He loves OLD rock bands... But every thing we do is tainted. And I can see him enjoying himself a bit but still hurting and angry. And there are ALWAYS trigger songs. I believe what he's telling me...everything IS tainted.

He has worked hard. He deserves some good times now. We suffer my consequences together. Do we hold on to each other and make the best of things while waiting for T.I.M.E. to make things better? Will we be watching Lynyrd Skynyrd or Bad Company one day and the taint will just be gone?

He is in IC working through EMDR right now.

All I can do is listen and say, "I'm so sorry I screwed this up for us. I promise I will continue to do the work so we never have to suffer through anything like this again."

Please, I would love input from any of you who have BTDT.

wifehad5 posted 6/2/2013 15:52 PM

I can relate to a lot of what your H is saying and going through. There is no magic bullet to take this all away. You're still pretty early in this ride. When we were ion that timeframe, if felt a lot like he does now. Six years later, I don't. It took time, but it got continually better

About a month after our last D-day where I got the full story (5 or so months after our initial D-day) we went to see ZZ Top in concert, one of my favorite bands. There were two opening acts, and some of the songs triggered me hard. As I was spiraling down, I decided that I wasn't going to let what happened take away something I loved. Somehow I was able to control it for that night. It was a great feeling

That level of control wasn't always possible, but once in a while. Keep working at it. It does get better

Card posted 6/2/2013 17:14 PM

You are way early in this recovery process.

Adultery plays havoc on the past memories. Many are tainted. It is a reality we can allow to trap us or one we can use to lite a fire under us, driving us forward.

My job was to go out often with my wife, creating new memories that could be untainted. This is a time process that has taken 5 years for us. We have built a great deal of wonderful memories in the process of recovery.
Using the marital recovery program my wife chose required that we commit 15 hrs of time together each week. Undivided attention time. It is time we look forward to today and we enjoy it immensely. We've rebuilt our marriage and built new memories as a result of this time together.

hatefulnow posted 6/2/2013 19:03 PM

May I ask how long was the A? My WW was on & off for about 12 years. There are a lot of things that I got into, hobbies, that I feel 2 ways about now. I enjoy them but sometimes I think, when I was off doing this she was off doing HIM! I fight those thoughts as they are not productive.

My point is we are trying to make NEW memories. Things that aren't 'tainted'. It's difficult but we are managing. My FWW is working her ass off, proactive, supportive, etc. For example, I took up fishing and hunting during her A. I recall her at times being happy I was gone. I thought she was happy I food something I enjoy, or maybe that I wasn't under foot, but she had other motivations. I stopped going because it made me trigger. Guess what? She set upmarket hunting and fishing trip for the both of us w/ o the kids. I didn't want to go but our therapist convinced me. She was working so hard. I thought it would be triggersville but I had a great time. She catered to me, no complaining, even learned how to set a trot line before we went so I wouldn't have to do it.

I guess my point is that it takes time but new memories can be built and old ones can be reclaimed.

knightsbff posted 6/2/2013 19:56 PM

The A was about 3 years. And there are a lot of things my BH used to enjoy doing that he just can't stand to do any more due to that same thought process. He was doing whatever activity while I was with OM...

We are working on new memories as well but the things we do now are still tainted.

He often think I wouldn't be doing some enjoyable activity with him if it weren't for the A and that sucks the joy out of things for him.

(Edited to add and for clarity)

When we do things together now for me it's because I want to spend time with BH. I enjoy the opportunity. He doesn't see it that way because during the A I didn't enjoy spending time with him.

[This message edited by knightsbff at 8:06 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)]

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