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Too little too late

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Lostinthismess posted 6/2/2013 17:48 PM

Does anyone else deal with the 'too little too late' mentality toward their ws' changes? My wh has done everything 'right' (minus the whole sex with someone else) and every effort on his part I just feel like yeah, lot of good that does. All the owning up and changes don't really do anything for me. Does this pass with time? Am I just turning myself into a cold fish to protect myself?
Part of it is I think his reasons for the affair are drunk, poor boundaries and selfishness.... Which again, boohoo for you. I didn't do anything so I just get the shitstorm and am expected to accept his efforts to fix his mess. I'm just not feeling it. I know if we didn't have 5 kids I would have walked. I feel stuck in the I can't leave but not commited to r

Area2 posted 6/2/2013 18:47 PM

I share your feelings. His response reminds me of a guilty child trying to be extra good temporarily to avoid punishment then it will be back to usual. I find I just can't be impressed by this new-found attitude.

41andthankful posted 6/2/2013 19:05 PM

I am in the same boat. I see changes and hard work on his part. I just don't care. I think of all the time I spent trying to work on us and he wasn't interested. I feel that now that he's slept around and destroyed what we had he wants a committed relationship and thinks I should be on board because the life we built is so beautiful to him now. I only think of getting away. (Hugs)

allfalldown posted 6/2/2013 19:09 PM

I am so checked out...legally married for all of my reasons- financial, children, family, etc.

I feel divorced emotionally.

lilflower1000 posted 6/2/2013 19:20 PM

I definitely feel you! I go back and forth. He seems so wonderful now, then I think about how he was able to treat me so horribly and I just donít know if I can or should stay. I mean things were not perfect, but I could not treat my worst enemy the way he treated me. I am supposed to believe that a few months later he has totally changed? He cheated when I had just given birth and still had several other children to care for. We had some other issues as well, but nothing I saw as that serious. I am just afraid that when this little honeymoon period is over and maybe I have other things to focus on he will do it again. Right now I feel like I am putting everything to the wayside, including my work and to some extent my children to work on the marriage. What happens if something else comes up where I need to take some of the focus off the marriage? Will he do this again? I am sorry that you are feeling this way. I hope it gets better.

Lostinthismess posted 6/2/2013 19:30 PM

I'm sorry you guys relate but glad I'm not alone. WH says I need to meet him a little, which I'm sure is true, but I scream a big f you in my head!! I didn't screw us up, you did!! We were happy, he can't even try to blame it on a bad marriage. Like there was something missing that I should be stepping up too. I gave everything the first go round and now he wants me to do it again?? Umm... No. Sucks he screws up so bad and yet I feel guilty for not fixing it.

Skan posted 6/2/2013 23:05 PM

I did initially. His efforts were looked at by me, with an extremely jandiced eye, and rightfully so. After all, who knew if it was real, if it was a fake, or if it was going to last. All I could think about, when I looked at him was, but you fucked someone else. Didn't matter if we were in MC, he was telling me about his IC, he was walking me through his day, making dinner for me, whatever. I would look at him and all I could thinkg was, but you fucked someone else. Over and over again in my brain. Cold? Oh yes. Withdrawn, isolated. It's all to protect yourself and again, is very understandable.

It took a long time until I was willing to start trying to think about trusting again. And it took consistant, constant, unwaivering actions on his behalf. I was ready and willing to run. Dying to, frankly, at times. Had a lovely little life all planned out in my head with no one else there. But he did and is doing the work. And even with stumbles along the way, its better every day.

Hang in there. Be cynical and protect yourself, but also look for the long-term consistant actions. That is what will tell you if this is true remorse or simply regreat for being found out and trying to minimize the damage.

Blameitontherain posted 6/2/2013 23:06 PM

I don't know if it passes with time but it is completely normal. Now you want to be present in the marriage? Now you don't want to neglect me or the kids? Now you care? Now you see what a jerk you have been? Ugh. Now I am dealing with this shit sandwich you served and I resent the hell out you. This is part of the big job of accepting that the scales will never be even. Never. And this is yet another shit sandwich the bs has to deal with and eventually accept in the R process. It takes time. Or at least that is what I keep hearing, I sure am not there yet.

Ladyogilvy posted 6/2/2013 23:37 PM

I'm sorry you're feeling this way but it's helpful to hear from you and others feeling this w tonight. My WH has been the model of what not to do after an A. But, he has come a long way from the completely psycho, narcissistic sociopath he was to who he is now. So, I often feel like it's too little too late. Today is one of those days.

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