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Newest Member: Kapooie (46002)

User Topic: I'm back
jojo42
♀ 37583
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I don't really know where to start. I came on here in November after finding out about an EA with a coworker of WH. Decided to reconcile, though he continued to work with OW. I have had suspicions that things are still going on since but no proof until it all came crashing down today- a full-blown affair in which he was lying to her about the state of our marriage the whole time...oh, and the kicker is I'm 6 months pregnant. I desperately don't want to be a single mom...what the hell do I do now...


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
jojo42
♀ 37583
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is reconciliation even possible after all this???


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
Holly-Isis
♀ 13447
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's been cheating most of your M.

Please don't come at R from a place of desperation. Nobody envisions having a child of D, but IMO that's better than going into the rest of your M letting him call the shots rather than setting out your deal breakers and boundaries and standing strong so he either agrees or leaves.

Read the BS FAQs #11 in the Healing Library. Do the 180 to help get emotional strength.

What were the consequences of him breaking NC? Having a continued A? Whatever they were, stick by them. Even if its to file for D. You can also stop the process or remarry him. What you can't do is make him take you seriously if you keep redrawing your line in the sand...as BS's, we tend to do that initially.

Get tested for STDs, even the ones they don't normally test for. Out the A to the OWs BH or BBF if she has one. Decide what your WH needs to do to earn his way back into the M. I'd start with find a new job.

More people will be along to give better advice.

I'm so sorry you're back here with this news when you should be having a wonderful time of growing into motherhood and building a family.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11334 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
getting_stronger
♀ 32858
Member # 32858
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry.

Posts: 62 | Registered: Jul 2011
de.va.sta.ted
♀ 22922
Member # 22922
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, so stop and take stock.

Now more than ever before you are going to have to harness your emotions, and start being really practical and smart about your next steps, for your sake and for the baby.

- how is he behaving right not?
- is the affair ongoing?

If yes: hard 180. See lawyer, look into the financial implications of divorce right now, including child support.

If no: same as above. You will need all that information to make informed decisions, should you decide to leave.

Can you seek out counseling? That would be really helpful at this point. IMO it should be for you alone, not couples counseling.

I know you know this, but make sure to take care of yourself physically. If you aren't sleeping, you might want to mention that to your dr. at your next appointment.

There are worse things in the world than being a single mom. Like going through the first year of your babies life with an unremorseful spouse who is having an affair.

I'm so sorry he's been such a dick, during a time when you should have been enjoying your pregnancy.


Me: BW mid 40's Him: WH mid 50's
D-Day: 2009
There is a crack in everything,
That's how the light gets in...

Posts: 856 | Registered: Feb 2009
jojo42
♀ 37583
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your replies...now that the OW knows that he was never planning on leaving me I don't think she wants anything to do with him. He is quitting tomorrow, which puts us in a pickle financially and with health insurance...we have an appointment with a counselor on Tuesday...I'm just so numb


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
jojo42
♀ 37583
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't even feel like asking him to leave or leaving...is that strange?


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
jojo42
♀ 37583
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you stick to your guns and follow up on threats to leave if that's not what you truly want?


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
mainlyinpain
♀ 39134
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, that's not strange. He has been the person you have relied on for comfort and you still feel that way. It doesn't go away in an instant. You can hope for reconciliation but think it through and see what happens, you probably have more intense emotions now because you are pregnant and your instinct is too nest and build a home for your baby. I am so sorry that this is happening to you. (((Hugs)))


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2013
so_lost
♀ 7726
Member # 7726
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Go with your gut for now jojo. If you want to stay, stay. You'll know when enough is enough.

For now, focus on your health and the health of your baby. Keep eating. You don't want to lose 30 lbs. like I did.

And like I said in another post, if he's not fully NC then make sure the OW's significant other knows everything. For me, both parties knowing about the affair ended everything between the wayward spouses.

Give it time and don't make any rash decisions. Like I said earlier you'll know when enough is enough.

(((jojo)))


D-day April 2005, R.
Me-BS 37
Him-FWH 37, 8 month EA/PA with coworker. Married 2 yrs at the time.
2 kiddos after D-day, Married 11 years.


Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2005
jojo42
♀ 37583
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She isn't in a relationship- she's 25...she thought he and I were going through a divorce and they were going to be together. But I think she's disgusted enough by his lies that she's done with him. I'm jealous of her because she can just walk away...chalk it up as a mistake in judgement, move on with her life...

I have his child growing inside me, his name, a life with him


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
Althea
♀ 37765
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry you are here jojo. I would strongly consider canceling MC and concentrating on IC, make it a condition of staying with you that he immediately enroll in IC and make it clear that you are making no decisions regarding whether you will stay with him.

After Dday, I was totally numb too, angry for a while, but then just dove into trying to fix our marriage for the sake of our small children. My WH said he wanted to be married and so I just blindly went with it. It was WAY too easy, and I basically ended up giving him a free pass to continue to lie to me, lie to the MC and keep up the selfish behavior that led to the A. He was cheating anymore, but our marriage was still destroyed and no one was healing.

You have to shift your mindset away from him and toward protecting yourself and your baby. This is what the 180 is all about.

If your WH is a man you truly want to be married to, he will do the work needed, you will see the changes and you will then be able to move into MC. Don't rush it.

By the way, I'm 6 months pregnant too, and understand well how vulnerable you are feeling. Take care of yourself.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 464 | Registered: Dec 2012
jojo42
♀ 37583
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hm...well I told the MFT the situation. We are going in for a free 60 min session together, and she will decide how to continue in terms of who needs what kind of counseling to continue forward....does that sound like an ok idea...

For the record, he was going to counseling about 4-5 months ago but stopped because he said he didn't like the counselor and he felt like he wasn't getting anything out of it


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
MoreThanMe
♀ 25451
Member # 25451
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry. Betrayal is bad enough- but then to have to deal with a betrayal while you're pregnant- when you should be thinking of you and your baby- so so shitty. I have largely forgiven my WH for his ONS- but I will NEVER truly forgive his doing that to MY life while I was pregnant with my precious DD.
Have you talked to an attorney? You're not helpless- and being a single mom is a hellavalot better than being like a single mom but with a husband with his head up his arse. Easy for me to say- my WH- remorseful- told me the truth all along. If he hasn't Im not going to pretend to know what I would/would not do.

[This message edited by MoreThanMe at 8:17 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)]


Brevity, typos & misspellings provided by my ipad and fatigue.
It's been 4 years, SA husband sober. We're doing okay. Today.

fWH had ONS with High School Principal he met on Ashley.com. 08/25/2009


Posts: 696 | Registered: Sep 2009
RockyMtn
♀ 37043
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he felt like he wasn't getting anything out of it

Maybe because he was still lying to you and not putting in the work? He isn't going to get shit out of a situation like that. He was probably lying to the IC, too.

she will decide how to continue in terms of who needs what kind of counseling to continue forward....does that sound like an ok idea...

Sounds good to me. WH needs IC but he needs to WANT IC because of what happened last time. If he's half-assing it, it is just a waste of money. Normally, I would recommend lots of IC before MC but you have a baby on the way. Even strong marriages are rocked by a child.

I am so sorry.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
phmh
♀ 34146
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry that you find yourself here again.

You can pretty much bet that this:

But I think she's disgusted enough by his lies that she's done with him.

is not true. She's likely to take it as a challenge and try to get him to leave her. I hope for your sake that's not true, but be sure to watch your WH's ACTIONS and don't just listen to his WORDS.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3534 | Registered: Dec 2011
jojo42
♀ 37583
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At this moment she is continuing to send me screen shots of texts from him "to use as proof if I need it"....it's getting to be a little much


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
fourever
♀ 30631
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he's quitting, and they are coming from a work e-mail, then send them to her boss, with info that you are pregnant and ask them to please have her stop.
He should be unglued that she's doing this.
I think it would be wise for you to have a little time to yourself to sort out what's really going on.
Please see an attorney, to insure you and your baby are protected.
This is awful, I'm so sorry. Please play hard ball, you must.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 906 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
Ladyogilvy
♀ 31558
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there anywhere you can go to get away from him and get real support? My WH was an ass when I was pregnant. As far as I kow his only mistress then was vodka. But, I will never forgive him for not supporting me when I was pregnant. We deserve for that to be a special time in our lives.


Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1536 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
jojo42
♀ 37583
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 1:18 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your replies...he was actually being the model father and husband for the pregnancy...he was living a double life


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
Topic Posts: 45
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