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jojo42 posted 6/2/2013 18:01 PM

Well I don't really know where to start. I came on here in November after finding out about an EA with a coworker of WH. Decided to reconcile, though he continued to work with OW. I have had suspicions that things are still going on since but no proof until it all came crashing down today- a full-blown affair in which he was lying to her about the state of our marriage the whole time...oh, and the kicker is I'm 6 months pregnant. I desperately don't want to be a single mom...what the hell do I do now...

jojo42 posted 6/2/2013 18:02 PM

Is reconciliation even possible after all this???

Holly-Isis posted 6/2/2013 18:13 PM

He's been cheating most of your M.

Please don't come at R from a place of desperation. Nobody envisions having a child of D, but IMO that's better than going into the rest of your M letting him call the shots rather than setting out your deal breakers and boundaries and standing strong so he either agrees or leaves.

Read the BS FAQs #11 in the Healing Library. Do the 180 to help get emotional strength.

What were the consequences of him breaking NC? Having a continued A? Whatever they were, stick by them. Even if its to file for D. You can also stop the process or remarry him. What you can't do is make him take you seriously if you keep redrawing your line in the sand...as BS's, we tend to do that initially.

Get tested for STDs, even the ones they don't normally test for. Out the A to the OWs BH or BBF if she has one. Decide what your WH needs to do to earn his way back into the M. I'd start with find a new job.

More people will be along to give better advice.

I'm so sorry you're back here with this news when you should be having a wonderful time of growing into motherhood and building a family.

getting_stronger posted 6/2/2013 18:32 PM

I am so sorry.

de.va.sta.ted posted 6/2/2013 18:50 PM

Ok, so stop and take stock.

Now more than ever before you are going to have to harness your emotions, and start being really practical and smart about your next steps, for your sake and for the baby.

- how is he behaving right not?
- is the affair ongoing?

If yes: hard 180. See lawyer, look into the financial implications of divorce right now, including child support.

If no: same as above. You will need all that information to make informed decisions, should you decide to leave.

Can you seek out counseling? That would be really helpful at this point. IMO it should be for you alone, not couples counseling.

I know you know this, but make sure to take care of yourself physically. If you aren't sleeping, you might want to mention that to your dr. at your next appointment.

There are worse things in the world than being a single mom. Like going through the first year of your babies life with an unremorseful spouse who is having an affair.

I'm so sorry he's been such a dick, during a time when you should have been enjoying your pregnancy.

jojo42 posted 6/2/2013 18:56 PM

Thank you for your replies...now that the OW knows that he was never planning on leaving me I don't think she wants anything to do with him. He is quitting tomorrow, which puts us in a pickle financially and with health insurance...we have an appointment with a counselor on Tuesday...I'm just so numb

jojo42 posted 6/2/2013 19:20 PM

I don't even feel like asking him to leave or leaving...is that strange?

jojo42 posted 6/2/2013 19:30 PM

How do you stick to your guns and follow up on threats to leave if that's not what you truly want?

mainlyinpain posted 6/2/2013 19:38 PM

No, that's not strange. He has been the person you have relied on for comfort and you still feel that way. It doesn't go away in an instant. You can hope for reconciliation but think it through and see what happens, you probably have more intense emotions now because you are pregnant and your instinct is too nest and build a home for your baby. I am so sorry that this is happening to you. (((Hugs)))

so_lost posted 6/2/2013 19:39 PM

Go with your gut for now jojo. If you want to stay, stay. You'll know when enough is enough.

For now, focus on your health and the health of your baby. Keep eating. You don't want to lose 30 lbs. like I did.

And like I said in another post, if he's not fully NC then make sure the OW's significant other knows everything. For me, both parties knowing about the affair ended everything between the wayward spouses.

Give it time and don't make any rash decisions. Like I said earlier you'll know when enough is enough.

(((jojo)))

jojo42 posted 6/2/2013 19:48 PM

She isn't in a relationship- she's 25...she thought he and I were going through a divorce and they were going to be together. But I think she's disgusted enough by his lies that she's done with him. I'm jealous of her because she can just walk away...chalk it up as a mistake in judgement, move on with her life...

I have his child growing inside me, his name, a life with him

Althea posted 6/2/2013 19:53 PM

I'm so sorry you are here jojo. I would strongly consider canceling MC and concentrating on IC, make it a condition of staying with you that he immediately enroll in IC and make it clear that you are making no decisions regarding whether you will stay with him.

After Dday, I was totally numb too, angry for a while, but then just dove into trying to fix our marriage for the sake of our small children. My WH said he wanted to be married and so I just blindly went with it. It was WAY too easy, and I basically ended up giving him a free pass to continue to lie to me, lie to the MC and keep up the selfish behavior that led to the A. He was cheating anymore, but our marriage was still destroyed and no one was healing.

You have to shift your mindset away from him and toward protecting yourself and your baby. This is what the 180 is all about.

If your WH is a man you truly want to be married to, he will do the work needed, you will see the changes and you will then be able to move into MC. Don't rush it.

By the way, I'm 6 months pregnant too, and understand well how vulnerable you are feeling. Take care of yourself.

jojo42 posted 6/2/2013 20:04 PM

Hm...well I told the MFT the situation. We are going in for a free 60 min session together, and she will decide how to continue in terms of who needs what kind of counseling to continue forward....does that sound like an ok idea...

For the record, he was going to counseling about 4-5 months ago but stopped because he said he didn't like the counselor and he felt like he wasn't getting anything out of it

MoreThanMe posted 6/2/2013 20:10 PM

I'm so sorry. Betrayal is bad enough- but then to have to deal with a betrayal while you're pregnant- when you should be thinking of you and your baby- so so shitty. I have largely forgiven my WH for his ONS- but I will NEVER truly forgive his doing that to MY life while I was pregnant with my precious DD.
Have you talked to an attorney? You're not helpless- and being a single mom is a hellavalot better than being like a single mom but with a husband with his head up his arse. Easy for me to say- my WH- remorseful- told me the truth all along. If he hasn't Im not going to pretend to know what I would/would not do.

[This message edited by MoreThanMe at 8:17 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)]

RockyMtn posted 6/2/2013 20:13 PM

he felt like he wasn't getting anything out of it

Maybe because he was still lying to you and not putting in the work? He isn't going to get shit out of a situation like that. He was probably lying to the IC, too.

she will decide how to continue in terms of who needs what kind of counseling to continue forward....does that sound like an ok idea...

Sounds good to me. WH needs IC but he needs to WANT IC because of what happened last time. If he's half-assing it, it is just a waste of money. Normally, I would recommend lots of IC before MC but you have a baby on the way. Even strong marriages are rocked by a child.

I am so sorry.

phmh posted 6/2/2013 20:30 PM

I'm so sorry that you find yourself here again.

You can pretty much bet that this:

But I think she's disgusted enough by his lies that she's done with him.

is not true. She's likely to take it as a challenge and try to get him to leave her. I hope for your sake that's not true, but be sure to watch your WH's ACTIONS and don't just listen to his WORDS.

jojo42 posted 6/2/2013 20:46 PM

At this moment she is continuing to send me screen shots of texts from him "to use as proof if I need it"....it's getting to be a little much

fourever posted 6/2/2013 21:01 PM

If he's quitting, and they are coming from a work e-mail, then send them to her boss, with info that you are pregnant and ask them to please have her stop.
He should be unglued that she's doing this.
I think it would be wise for you to have a little time to yourself to sort out what's really going on.
Please see an attorney, to insure you and your baby are protected.
This is awful, I'm so sorry. Please play hard ball, you must.

Ladyogilvy posted 6/2/2013 23:23 PM

Is there anywhere you can go to get away from him and get real support? My WH was an ass when I was pregnant. As far as I kow his only mistress then was vodka. But, I will never forgive him for not supporting me when I was pregnant. We deserve for that to be a special time in our lives.

jojo42 posted 6/3/2013 01:18 AM

Thank you for your replies...he was actually being the model father and husband for the pregnancy...he was living a double life

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