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jojo42 posted 6/2/2013 18:07 PM

I just found out my husband has been carrying on a 9 month affair that has gone very deep. They have had multiple sexual encounters, he told her he planned to divorce me after our baby was born, while at the same time has been trying to be a model husband to me. Is it pathetic that I don't want to leave and I don't want him to leave...I just want my husband back...

RightTrack posted 6/2/2013 18:53 PM

You are probably still in shock. Take care of yourself and your baby first, don't move too fast in any one direction or feel the need to make any final decisions now.

getting_stronger posted 6/2/2013 19:03 PM

Not pathetic at all. I'm so sorry.

Undone1 posted 6/2/2013 19:06 PM

jojo..of course it is not pathetic. You will have all kinds of feelings from loving him to hating him. Those feelings will change from minute to minute, hour to hour and day to day. Take care of yourself. Focus on eating, breathing, and putting one foot in front of another for the time being. Don't make a decision for at least 6 months to a year.

((((jojo)))) (hugs)

Tiredofthepain posted 6/2/2013 19:11 PM

I don't have much to add but I am so sorry you are here :(

It is never pathetic to love someone, they are the ones who are pathetic, not us.

jojo42 posted 6/2/2013 19:32 PM

So in the meantime, I continue to live my life with him, in our home. Going through the daily life of a married couple, all after this ultimate betrayal? And then just sort through it as we go??

jojo42 posted 6/2/2013 20:48 PM

anyone have any insight to those questions?

TrustGone posted 6/2/2013 22:00 PM

Whether you make him leave or let him stay is a decision only you can make and I would say that is largely based on his actions. Has he went NC with the OW? Is he remorseful and wanting to try to R and save the marriage. Is he willing to do the hard work that R takes? Is he willing to help you heal? Can he be totally transparent (phone, computer, bills, pay stub, etc.)?. Does he totally take the blame for the A or is he trying to blame you or the marriage. Is he willing to go to IC and figure out what is broken in him that allowed him to cheat? All of these and more are questions you will need to ask yourself and your WS. Please read in the healing library in the upper left corner. It has lots of great articles that can help answer some of your questions. When people say not to make any rash decisions that does not mean that you ignore the elephant in the room. It must be dealt with and not ignored. Do not rug sweep his A and do not allow him to either. BTDT. Post often for support. Weekends can sometimes be slow on responses, but you will get them. Take care. (((HUGS)))

Jospehine85 posted 6/2/2013 22:03 PM

(((jojo42))) Weekends are slow. There will be more people online during the week to answer.

You have been betrayed. You have suffered a HUMONGOUS trauma. Please expect your emotions to be all over the place for several months.

It is not pathetic for you to not want to leave. It is not pathetic for you to not want him to leave. It is NATURAL for you to want your husband back.

The next few months are going to be about you coming to terms with the fact that you are not going to have the same marriage or the same husband. It is all changed now.

You have 2 choices right now: Stay together and sort through it as you go. OR separate and work on yourselves individually.

Neither choice is wrong. Either choice will eventually lead you to happiness. Both choices will take time.

My advice to you right now is to focus solely on YOU and your baby. Do not expend energy on your WH or his issues. You can't fix him. He has to fix himself. And if almost losing his wife and unborn child isn't enough to shock him in to fixing himself... than you know what you are dealing with.

jojo42 posted 6/3/2013 01:23 AM

Thank you for your reply...I guess I am feeling pretty numb right now but I know in my heart that leaving or kicking him out isn't the answer for me at this point...we'll see what the counselor has to say on Tuesday

jojo42 posted 6/3/2013 07:40 AM

TrustGone: yes to all your questions...finally

sisoon posted 6/3/2013 12:22 PM

Not pathetic at all, especially given your sitch. Especially with your 'yes' answers to TG's questions, R is a real possibility for you.

Remember, your H's A is about him, not you.

1Faith posted 6/3/2013 13:19 PM

No, you are not pathetic. You are hurt and you love your husband. All completely normal.

Please, please take care of yourself and you precious baby. This is such a stressful time. I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

What does your husband says he wants now that you know?

Hang in there and look for a good IC. You will need help dealing with this. They are hard waters to navigate.

Sending hugs

jojo42 posted 6/3/2013 19:06 PM

He says he wants to work on it, and finally live without secrets and lies...he's says he's so relieved it's all out...he wants IC and MC to figure it all out...I see a counselor tomorrow to get the ball rolling....bring on the bills

sailorgirl posted 6/3/2013 19:18 PM


Best wishes for your counseling session tomorrow!

I would suggest that your H read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald.

As long as he is doing everything you ask, answering your questions honestly, and behaving remorsefully and gently, then I would say yes, you can keep your family together while you tackle this huge problem.

I would also think about individual counseling for him. Cheating does not happen because something is wrong with the betrayed spouse or the marriage. It doesn't happen because the affair partner is so wonderful. It happens because something is broken in the cheater. Your H will need to figure out why he gave himself permission to lie, break his wedding vows and risk his family.

Btw, Reconcilliation is not pathetic. It's incredibly hard. ((jojo))

jojo42 posted 6/3/2013 20:17 PM

Thank you for the suggestion- I'll be sure to check it out. He definitely wants to try IC too-he admits there is something broken inside of him and he wants to fix it- he just wants to live a normal life with a normal family; at the first consultation tomorrow, she's going to hear the whole story and help us take the path we need to. Thanks for the hug

Lucky posted 6/3/2013 20:40 PM

There is nothing pathetic about loving our WS and wanting to R with them.

FeelingSoMuch posted 6/3/2013 22:57 PM

I'm a BH whose WW also had a nine-month affair.

At first I heard the same things about her wanting to leave for the OM, etc. Then reality set in and she's determined to work on R.

We're going to IC and MC. They're well worth the money and we would've failed without that help.

I'm still not sure that I can live with this pain. There are times when I consider D and times when I want to continue R.

It's been 3.5 months since d-day for me. The mind movies didn't get better until the second month and the pain didn't start to change into something manageable until the third.

I'd say that at work I'm not at about 85 per cent and have returned to the gym.

Good luck to you. You're not pathetic and you're in a similar position to a lot of us.

It's painful and it's horrible.

Stay strong and give it time. You don't have to make decisions at this time. For now, just keep on surviving until you feel stronger. It might take some time. Months, not years. At least that's how it's going for me.

jojo42 posted 6/4/2013 17:10 PM

Thank you for all your supports and comments.

Wonderingwhy11 posted 6/5/2013 00:28 AM

jojo - it is not pathetic to want your marriage to work and you don't want to leave. I spent time thinking I must be so weak to stay in the marriage. I realize it takes strength to try to R. I found MC has helped us work through our problems and the A. It is encouraging when WS wants to fix the relationship. As long as you are both willing and honestly want to R then it will happen. It takes time to work through the emotions. It does get better but it is a rollercoaster ride to get there. We are still working on improving our marriage.

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