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Newest Member: Ibelieved (46047)

User Topic: Is it pathetic?
jojo42
♀ 37583
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just found out my husband has been carrying on a 9 month affair that has gone very deep. They have had multiple sexual encounters, he told her he planned to divorce me after our baby was born, while at the same time has been trying to be a model husband to me. Is it pathetic that I don't want to leave and I don't want him to leave...I just want my husband back...


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
RightTrack
♀ 36976
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are probably still in shock. Take care of yourself and your baby first, don't move too fast in any one direction or feel the need to make any final decisions now.

Posts: 658 | Registered: Sep 2012
getting_stronger
♀ 32858
Member # 32858
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not pathetic at all. I'm so sorry.

Posts: 62 | Registered: Jul 2011
Undone1
♀ 37683
Member # 37683
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jojo..of course it is not pathetic. You will have all kinds of feelings from loving him to hating him. Those feelings will change from minute to minute, hour to hour and day to day. Take care of yourself. Focus on eating, breathing, and putting one foot in front of another for the time being. Don't make a decision for at least 6 months to a year.

((((jojo)))) (hugs)


Undone1
Married 10+ years to my high school sweetheart
DDAY 10/27/12
Me 55
WH 55
Blended Family: 25, 21, and 20
Married 10 years
"The Universe Unfolds as it Should"

Posts: 301 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Missouri
Tiredofthepain
♀ 37932
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have much to add but I am so sorry you are here :(

It is never pathetic to love someone, they are the ones who are pathetic, not us.


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
jojo42
♀ 37583
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So in the meantime, I continue to live my life with him, in our home. Going through the daily life of a married couple, all after this ultimate betrayal? And then just sort through it as we go??


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
jojo42
♀ 37583
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

anyone have any insight to those questions?


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
TrustGone
♀ 36654
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whether you make him leave or let him stay is a decision only you can make and I would say that is largely based on his actions. Has he went NC with the OW? Is he remorseful and wanting to try to R and save the marriage. Is he willing to do the hard work that R takes? Is he willing to help you heal? Can he be totally transparent (phone, computer, bills, pay stub, etc.)?. Does he totally take the blame for the A or is he trying to blame you or the marriage. Is he willing to go to IC and figure out what is broken in him that allowed him to cheat? All of these and more are questions you will need to ask yourself and your WS. Please read in the healing library in the upper left corner. It has lots of great articles that can help answer some of your questions. When people say not to make any rash decisions that does not mean that you ignore the elephant in the room. It must be dealt with and not ignored. Do not rug sweep his A and do not allow him to either. BTDT. Post often for support. Weekends can sometimes be slow on responses, but you will get them. Take care. (((HUGS)))


BW-52
WH#2-53
M-10 yrs T-12 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
DD#4-11/28/14 He ran off to be with OW after assaulting me
Divorcing

Posts: 2514 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Jospehine85
♀ 35971
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((jojo42))) Weekends are slow. There will be more people online during the week to answer.

You have been betrayed. You have suffered a HUMONGOUS trauma. Please expect your emotions to be all over the place for several months.

It is not pathetic for you to not want to leave. It is not pathetic for you to not want him to leave. It is NATURAL for you to want your husband back.

The next few months are going to be about you coming to terms with the fact that you are not going to have the same marriage or the same husband. It is all changed now.

You have 2 choices right now: Stay together and sort through it as you go. OR separate and work on yourselves individually.

Neither choice is wrong. Either choice will eventually lead you to happiness. Both choices will take time.

My advice to you right now is to focus solely on YOU and your baby. Do not expend energy on your WH or his issues. You can't fix him. He has to fix himself. And if almost losing his wife and unborn child isn't enough to shock him in to fixing himself... than you know what you are dealing with.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 1056 | Registered: Jun 2012
jojo42
♀ 37583
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 1:23 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your reply...I guess I am feeling pretty numb right now but I know in my heart that leaving or kicking him out isn't the answer for me at this point...we'll see what the counselor has to say on Tuesday


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
jojo42
♀ 37583
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TrustGone: yes to all your questions...finally


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not pathetic at all, especially given your sitch. Especially with your 'yes' answers to TG's questions, R is a real possibility for you.

Remember, your H's A is about him, not you.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10766 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
1Faith
♀ 38975
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, you are not pathetic. You are hurt and you love your husband. All completely normal.

Please, please take care of yourself and you precious baby. This is such a stressful time. I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

What does your husband says he wants now that you know?

Hang in there and look for a good IC. You will need help dealing with this. They are hard waters to navigate.

Sending hugs


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Apr 2013
jojo42
♀ 37583
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He says he wants to work on it, and finally live without secrets and lies...he's says he's so relieved it's all out...he wants IC and MC to figure it all out...I see a counselor tomorrow to get the ball rolling....bring on the bills


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
sailorgirl
♀ 38162
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jojo,

Best wishes for your counseling session tomorrow!

I would suggest that your H read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald.

As long as he is doing everything you ask, answering your questions honestly, and behaving remorsefully and gently, then I would say yes, you can keep your family together while you tackle this huge problem.

I would also think about individual counseling for him. Cheating does not happen because something is wrong with the betrayed spouse or the marriage. It doesn't happen because the affair partner is so wonderful. It happens because something is broken in the cheater. Your H will need to figure out why he gave himself permission to lie, break his wedding vows and risk his family.

Btw, Reconcilliation is not pathetic. It's incredibly hard. ((jojo))


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
jojo42
♀ 37583
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the suggestion- I'll be sure to check it out. He definitely wants to try IC too-he admits there is something broken inside of him and he wants to fix it- he just wants to live a normal life with a normal family; at the first consultation tomorrow, she's going to hear the whole story and help us take the path we need to. Thanks for the hug


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
Lucky
♀ 6864
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is nothing pathetic about loving our WS and wanting to R with them.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
FeelingSoMuch
♂ 38814
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a BH whose WW also had a nine-month affair.

At first I heard the same things about her wanting to leave for the OM, etc. Then reality set in and she's determined to work on R.

We're going to IC and MC. They're well worth the money and we would've failed without that help.

I'm still not sure that I can live with this pain. There are times when I consider D and times when I want to continue R.

It's been 3.5 months since d-day for me. The mind movies didn't get better until the second month and the pain didn't start to change into something manageable until the third.

I'd say that at work I'm not at about 85 per cent and have returned to the gym.

Good luck to you. You're not pathetic and you're in a similar position to a lot of us.

It's painful and it's horrible.

Stay strong and give it time. You don't have to make decisions at this time. For now, just keep on surviving until you feel stronger. It might take some time. Months, not years. At least that's how it's going for me.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
jojo42
♀ 37583
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for all your supports and comments.


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
Wonderingwhy11
♀ 34782
Member # 34782
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jojo - it is not pathetic to want your marriage to work and you don't want to leave. I spent time thinking I must be so weak to stay in the marriage. I realize it takes strength to try to R. I found MC has helped us work through our problems and the A. It is encouraging when WS wants to fix the relationship. As long as you are both willing and honestly want to R then it will happen. It takes time to work through the emotions. It does get better but it is a rollercoaster ride to get there. We are still working on improving our marriage.


Me BW - 46
Him WH - 53
Together 23 yrs, Married 18
DDay August 2011
2 kids - 13 and 15

Gotta love the life that we livin'


Posts: 376 | Registered: Feb 2012
Topic Posts: 21
Pages: 1 · 2

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