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Did they immediately give up the OP?

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getting_stronger posted 6/2/2013 19:12 PM

My WS is still in contact with the OW while he tries to decide what he wants. I keep torturing myself looking at call logs.

If you are in R, did they give up the OP right away? Or did it take them a while to decide?

Uneek posted 6/2/2013 19:19 PM

He immediately gave her up. There has been NC since the day I discovered it.

Of course, TT taught us that my husband had a second mistress named "pornography" and that just came to light last night. Time will tell if she goes away immediately or not.

Althea posted 6/2/2013 19:20 PM

Within minutes of me finding out about the A and packing up our kids and leaving, my WH emailed OW and told her they would no longer be in touch. Four months later when he told me the whole truth regarding the extent of the A he also admitted that although he was NC he was still fantasizing about OW during that time.

Going NC is an important and necessary first step, but I learned the hard way that having it doesn't necessarily give you R.

I'm sorry your WS is torturing you like this. I can't imagine being so hurtful to another person.

Jospehine85 posted 6/2/2013 19:23 PM

WH gave up AP immediately without me asking. I threw him out, he wouldn't go. MOW was texting and skyping him non-stop, unaware of what was going on. He never responded to her.

36 hours later I relented, agreed to attempt R and a NC email was sent.

During that 36 hours he had not responded to a single one of her contact attempts, even though usually the only time they went more than 20 minutes without "chatting" was the 6-7 hours during the night that MOW was asleep.

Jospehine85 posted 6/2/2013 19:26 PM


This should not be his choice to make. This is YOUR choice. Do you want to be with a man with a mistress or not? Cause right now he has one.

If you do not want to be in a 3-way relationship, then I suggest you wage a shock and awe campaign. 180 him. File for divorce. You can find someone new who is not a cakeeater.

so_lost posted 6/2/2013 19:28 PM

After my D-day, my FWH gave up the OW immediately. I know the OW's BH knew something more was going on months before. It wasn't until I also found out that my FWH went NC.

My advice to you...if the OW has a significant other and he doesn't know about the A, I would call him and tell him the truth. IMO it's your best shot at NC and getting your WH out of the fog.

tryinghard2013 posted 6/2/2013 19:28 PM

Mine called her immediatelyvon speaker phone and told her it was the second biggest mistake in his life (his affair was with his ex wife) the first was ever marrying her but it was instant no contact from that day however we did have to put an order of protection on her cause she wouldn't go away.

Knowing posted 6/2/2013 19:37 PM

fWH dumped her immediately as his AP but not as his boss on potential future projects, that took another 2.5 months.

BeyondBreaking posted 6/2/2013 19:43 PM

WF was not attached to any of them at all. I don't think he even remembers their names (thank god).

In the past, I have found that a lot of the time, they don't immediately cut to OP off- and some will do a slow faze-out, while others don't even do that.

Sounds like your H is still very much in a fog. Why are you letting him live with you if he doesn't know what he wants to do?

Zayda1 posted 6/2/2013 19:47 PM

He dumped her on D-day (WH confessed). There was no love between them (so he says) and it was just sex, so he says there isn't anything to miss.

If he hadn't dumped her I would have dumped him...end of story.

crestfallen posted 6/2/2013 19:51 PM

Husband called OW next morning and claimed to dump her like a hot potatoe, but continued to respond to her phone calls for another 7 months for fear of being vulnerable. He was her boss...

I call it bullshit! I can't stand him!

Lyonesse posted 6/2/2013 19:58 PM

I don't think you can actually be in R unless the OP is completely out of the picture.

LivinginLimbo posted 6/2/2013 20:11 PM

Not only did he dump her, he told me he was "relieved" that I found out as he was trying to end it. (I was less than thrilled that he made it sound as if I helped him.)

I cannot understand how you tolerate contact for well over a year. It may be time to rethink how you're approaching this. It sounds as if he really did a number on you. I hope you find the strength you need to get out of the nightmare you're living.

allfalldown posted 6/2/2013 20:11 PM

MOW sent WH a NC which ended their A. He has not seen her but I know he still hasn't given her up in his mind...

NoraLee posted 6/2/2013 20:14 PM

My H took it underground for a month. Upon discovering their continued relationship AND how it was a lot more involved than he originally confessed, I turned all business and rationally discussed separation and divorce. THAT was when he went NC to an extreme. Took a 6 week leave of absence from work - sent NC text - changed phone number....

I firmly believe you have to shock them into the reality of their situation. My H told me that had I taken a hardline after Dday 1 - he would have ended it immediately. Of course - I didn't take a hard line because he'd only given me the vanilla version of the EA.

Sal1995 posted 6/2/2013 20:19 PM

My WS is still in contact with the OW while he tries to decide what he wants.

This was infuriating to read. I don't know what he wants, but what deserves is to be tossed out on his ass. Easy for me to say, I know. I wish you the best.

RockyMtn posted 6/2/2013 20:26 PM

If you want to R despite his needing time to make a decision, that's fine. Lots of us here have accepted shit that others could not imagine. 2nd D-Days, underground As ("at least" you know he is still in contact with her), addiction, etc. Its your choice.

However, I think the others are right that you shouldn't consider yourself in R right now. You're not even one step into it because he's "deciding." Nor should you expect this cake-eating/3-way relationship to end unless YOU end it. Toss his ass. 180. Get healthy so that, if/when he comes back, you're in a clearer state of mind to make the decision to R if that's what you really want. Staying where you are isn't going to get you any closer to R.

sailorgirl posted 6/2/2013 20:41 PM

When I discovered the A, WH was at work. I told him not to come home unless he was completely done with OW. He threw her under the bus without a second thought.

When she started fishing, WH blocked her number and email. We wrote an NC letter and he sent it. Then, OW showed up at his work. He didn't say a word to her. She followed him to his car crying hysterically and tried to prevent him from leaving. He ignored her, got in his car and drove home. She had colleagues and even her mom try to contact him. They all got NC.

WH was so relieved to be rid of her.

If you are in R, did they give up the OP right away? Or did it take them a while to decide?

Married people have already decided. When WS's are confused about who they want, they are no longer married in their hearts. Make it official and file for divorce. (I know, easier said than done, but I am pissed for you, getting_stronger!!)

getting_stronger posted 6/2/2013 20:53 PM

Thanks everyone. We definitely aren't in R yet, I know. I was just curious.

I know I need to be strong, 180 him and protect myself. But I can't. I know, pathetic. We've been down this road before, and I want the chance to fix it the way we should have before. If then my marriage fails, then I know I did everything possible,

This just really sucks.

TrustGone posted 6/2/2013 21:19 PM

No. My WH#2 did not give up the OW on DDay#1. He pretended to go NC, then took it underground for almost another year until she outed him again. This time I have done more with his consequences if he breaks NC again or has another affair, we are through. He no longer has a choice when it comes to me. With that said, if he had ever said he was trying to decide between us, I would have filed for D immediately. He doesn't get to choose between his wife and his GF. I will make that choice for him because I damn sure don't want anyone that doesn't want me. Like I told him, if he wants her, don't let the door hit him in the ass as he leaves. You do not deserve to be treated in this disrespectful manner, nobody does. Until you say stop he will continue to cake eat and you will continue to be hurt and confused. Put your foot down and tell him it stops now!!! You can do it and it might make him pull his head out of his ass.

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