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After the Affair

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headVSheart posted 6/2/2013 20:44 PM

My husband and I have been attending MC at the local university; our counselor is a graduate student who is overseen by a fully licensed clinician. During our last session, our counselor mentioned that her supervisor recommended reading the book After the Affair. She was quick to say that she had not yet read the book herself, but would like to read it along with us.

I looked it up on Amazon and noticed several 1 star reviews mentioning that the author essentially blames both spouses for the affair and expects the BS to assume responsibility/blame for the affair along with the WS. Is this the case with this particular book? Would you personally recommend it or not?

I own my share of the problems in our marriage, but I will not take responsibility for my husband's decision to have an affair, and I have no interest in reading a book whose author encourages me to accept blame. I am looking for something that will help both of us understand the other's unique position... So is this book it, or are there better options out there?

I'm new on SI, so I apologize if this topic has already been discussed. Thanks in advance for your help!

Lyonesse posted 6/2/2013 21:13 PM

I felt that it expected the BS to assume responsibility for the affair. I did not like it, although the book on forgiveness by the same author was useful to me (How Can I Forgive You? by Janis Spring).

The two most recommended books I see here are Not Just Friends (Shirley Glass) and How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair (Linda MacDonald). I found both useful.

And welcome to SI!!!

ETA: Just saw you are looking for a book that examines both sides of the infidelity - Not Just Friends would by a good starting point for that.

[This message edited by Lyonesse at 11:25 AM, June 3rd (Monday)]

didiknow posted 6/3/2013 00:27 AM

I just read it and there's some good info in there but I also felt that it put some blame on the bs for the affair.

circleoflife posted 7/22/2013 12:20 PM

I just started IC, my first session and she gave me this book to read. I'm only a third way thru and I find she does ask the BS to take their part of responsibility for the affair. It's also written in 1996. I so far find it to be dated and I'm not on board with taking responsibility for his choice to betray me. Our relationship may not have been the best but my choice wasn't to stray, even if I was unhappy.
Headvsheart did you end up reading it?

headVSheart posted 8/8/2013 10:02 AM

I did not end up reading After the Affair; I read Not Just Friends instead. Many people had said that NJF covers the better points of ATA while avoiding placing blame on the BS, and also being more current. I enjoyed reading NJF; it made me feel like I wasn't crazy for thinking/feeling certain things, and gave me comfort in knowing that many other people experience the same things I was/am going through.

Rebreather posted 8/8/2013 12:54 PM

I think Not Just Friends is much better. Much.

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