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Sex is complicated

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Caldwell posted 6/2/2013 22:18 PM

We didn't have sex, off and on , throught he whole marriage...sometimes for years at a time-- horribly painful to me. I am the one who gets the most attention from the opposite sex, but I learned early on to not invite or encourage it.

Then the affairs come out, we had HB. and I released this alter ego of sorts that was much more sexually adventurous, slutty, dirty-talking during sex, get the picture.

As I'm coming back to my "healthy" self, those aren't the things I really want. I want to please him, so I do them. I don't trust WH, so I am rarely authentically "into" the new kinky stuff.

As we work toward R, I'm beginning to see that the spiritual connection that's never been betwen us is really important to me. To be carrying on this way in the bedroom would be fine, had we been exploring each other and learning about each other on the journey together all these years.
Instead, I learned new information about sex from my OA, brought it to the bedroom . WH thinks it's great and loves it. And here I am,just wanting a clean, spiritual renewal in my heart and life so I can live honestly with myself.

I'm finding that I can't really talk to him about my feelings without him getting really upset and pouting. The last 3 times that happened, I kind of felt like, well, I'm done. I just don't know how to leave.

He has changed a lot and works hard at the marriage now. But honestly? I feel ripped off that I didn't get what I was promised to begin with ( a faithful, Christian husband)..instead I got a sexually and emotionally rejecting cold person who woke up after 2 affairs with subordinates( that got nice raises out of the deal.) and I'm left feeling like a scared who pretends she's into it when this way of being and living doesn't suit me at all.
Who knows if this made sense to anyone out there. I'm just glad you're here.

somanyyears posted 6/2/2013 23:05 PM sure as hell is!!

..what you became during HB is not relevent to who you really are. was an attempt to reclaim your marriage.. but not your 'normal'. advice is 'be true to yourself' and be the best you can be to yourself. and you alone know yourself best.. so just be who you are. ..stand by your boundaries and your standards.. then you can be proud of yourself.


this alter ego of sorts that was much more sexually adventurous, slutty, dirty-talking during sex,...

..not you.. therefore, not healthy for you. not let your WH manipulate you into becoming this 'kinky' order to promote your 'R' with him..

..make him become the better WH for YOU!


Caldwell posted 6/3/2013 10:36 AM

Thank you for responding, smy. Your statements are spot on.

BW2639 posted 6/3/2013 11:58 AM

I dont have any advice for you but your post cetainly made me feel sad. I hope it gets better. No one should be made to feel that way...


letitout posted 6/3/2013 12:39 PM

This isn't much help but my H sexuality is complicated. I M this nurdish sort of guy and we had straight up normal type of sex. Then I find out that he hid porn throughout his life and our 30 y together. Then came the prostitutes and group house parties and wham, who is this guy? He doesn't ask me to do anything uncomfortable in the bedroom, but I want to please him and wonder what he needs. I feel like I can't enjoy sex as much always wondering what he needs and what I feel comfortable with. We rarely talk about it because it makes him upset, has something to do with his childhood. I wonder if there is some sort of compromise? It's hard when you feel you can't talk about it. In my case I am seriously thinking about MC to help.

Ostrich80 posted 6/3/2013 13:48 PM

I really understand what your getting at. I think during HB, we are sometimes just holding on by a thread and are willing to conform, hoping that's what's needed to fix things. It isn't though because we aren't the broken ones. I knew ow had been single for awhile and been out in the dating world where I had been with the same man since hi school. I tried to change myself to fit what I thought made him go seeking but it had nothing to do with me and he still would.t cut her loose. I ended up feeling like a fake. I don't have an answer, guess I just wanted to say, your not alone. If I chose to stay with ws, I don't know if he could go back to the man I married. He's deeply addicted to porn and I feel like I don't have what it takes to deal with who he is now.

Caldwell posted 6/6/2013 08:28 AM

Judging from the posts above, sex is not only complicated, but a very painful subject for some of us in the situation.

Does anyone know if there is a thread buried somewhere that deals with aspects of sex after betrayal?

It made my heart ache to read your responses. Thank you for taking the time to read and respond.

sisoon posted 6/6/2013 15:50 PM

My heart goes out to you. Sex is very important to me, too, and my W has been afraid of sex all her life (for a good reason, unfortunately).

I urge you to be authentic and to demand authenticity from your H.

Do you see possibilities of your H changing for the better?

selkiescot posted 6/6/2013 16:35 PM

When I I felt my WH slipping away(the first time) I did some kinky sexual stuff too. Not me and I hated it. But I though I could reall him back by doing that. I lost respect for myself. I was so ANGRY at me and him. Some 1 2 years later I feel pretty good about me and not so good about him. Forgive yourself Caldwell and walk in the light.

64fleet posted 6/6/2013 16:38 PM

I feel exactly the same here. We still have sex, but it is not often-it really doesn't mean much to me anymore, it is simply a release.

[This message edited by 64fleet at 4:46 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]

keeponkeepingon posted 6/6/2013 16:57 PM

It's all screwed up for me too.

We have had lots of HB too. Not sure if it is even that anymore because this has been going on for almost a year now since we decided to R. Not sure if this is our new normal. We split for a year with no sexual contact between us. He continued the A with out of state OW.

The sex has been amazing. I am more adventurous. I am the one who asks more. If we go a week without I end up making comments about it.

That said, it is so messed up. I was never a drinker before DDay. Now I do. I drink before sex. I almost always have a buzz going for it. This is very unhealthy, I know. I drink because it helps with the mind movies. At least most of the time.

It just is all so weird.

Caldwell posted 6/6/2013 20:43 PM

Keeponkeepingon- that is so interesting about the drinking. I, too, have been drinking before sex, which is new for me. For the same reason too...those mind movies. Ugh.

sadandtrying posted 6/7/2013 06:20 AM

My H and I have very different sex drives - he would have sex every day, and I am happy with 1-3 times a week.
He wants kinky sex (not all the time, but often), and I want loving, connecting sex most of the time, and occasionally kinky sex.

We had A LOT of HB early on after dday, and like you, I was uncharacteristically kinky and wild during that time, but over time have "settled into" what I feel is really me...a moderately sexual and passionate person....and one who would like more intellectual and spiritual connection with my H.

As we work toward R, I'm beginning to see that the spiritual connection that's never been betwen us is really important to me. To be carrying on this way in the bedroom would be fine, had we been exploring each other and learning about each other on the journey together all these years.

My H loves me and is committed to our M, but I think he is feeling "disappointed" that the HB wife he so enjoyed, has "calmed down"....
It is tempting to "ramp it up" for him, but when I'm not genuinely feeling it, it feels, as you say, "phony"...(btw, his A was ALL about wild sex...)

How much is healthy compromise and the give and take required of M - and how much is dishonest and unhealthy compromise? I'm trying to sort this out and honor my own needs all the while.

I guess all this stuff is why sex is complicated!!

I don't feel I've been helpful to you, Caldwell, but I SO hear you, and hope you can come to some resolve.
And I really hope your H is able and willing to help you out with this - this would truly feel loving to you...

MrsDoubtfire posted 6/7/2013 06:39 AM

This resonates with me because, pre FWH A I desperately wanted our wild sexual acts to be more spiritual. He always wanted the hot sex as opposed to Godly sex as that turned him on more.

Now? He's desperately trying to get that spiritual connection going during sex ( he wants the deep looks into my eyes, he wants to tell me how much he loves me, he wants to kiss and caress me etc) but I'm not there yet!

For me? Sex is a release and I've become a predatory female in our sex life because, as soon as I'm 'in the mood', I just take what's mine (him) until I'm sated.

Don't get me wrong here. He gets to come too. He enjoys it too as I make sure he gets to finish etc but for me- its almost like I just scratch that itch until I'm done.

Sex isn't just sex. I know that as the thought of scratching my itch with anybody else repulses me. I know HE has to be the one to do it which gives me hope that the spiritual connections can come in the future.

As for HB etc. I couldn't HB but did continue having sex with FWH after Dday and when we were S as I really believed that if I stopped then he would go to ow !!!! Skewed thinking eh?!!!!

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