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Ladyogilvy posted 6/2/2013 22:35 PM

We're planning a family trip to the UK next Summer, before the boys are too old to want to travel with us anymore. We spent a week in London a couple of years ago. We were all very sad when it was time to go. We had a good time there but I suspect WH was missing OW at the time. Early in the trip, we took a special tour to Stonehenge. WH was horrible to me that morning. So horrible, I remember thinking, "that's it, it's over between us." I didn't know about OW at the time. I was upset all day. Couldn't hide it from the boys. I just tried to keep to myself. WH video taped the whole day, including me being miserable. I figure he probably showed it to OW to show her what a spoilsport I was but he was the one who ruined the day. I told him that's what I thought. He ignored me. Today he was looking back on that day fondly, what a great experience it was to enter the stones at Stonehenge. That's how it started. I triggered. He withdrew into his shell. He said he'd heard it before. This time I said, "here's where you say you're sorry." (Because he needs a script to follow). So he said he was sorry but with no sign of remorse. I asked him if he actually had any empathy and if so why he would hide it from me. He ignored me. I demanded an answer to the question. He said he didn't understand the question. I repeated myself. He said it didn't make any sense. That's the abbreviated version but you get the idea. I trigger every day and as long as I say nothing about it, it's fine. I know what next week's MC topic will be. This week, MC told WH something to the effect of his needing to use his emotional IQ and take some initiative regarding these kinds of situations. WH and I both laughed and told the MC he was asking a lot. Well, I guess we agree on one thing. At least he admits he's emotionally retarded. That's progress I suppose. But right this minute, the only thing keeping me here is the kids. And, if it weren't for being worried about the future of my autistic son, I'm not sure that would be enough. WH hasn't even been doing the minimum required comfort routines the last few days even when reminded. I swear, sometimes he wants me to yell at him. That's probably part of my response to triggering.

[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 10:38 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)]

Ladyogilvy posted 6/2/2013 23:52 PM

Reading other people's posts here tonight has been so helpful. People being strong and moving on. People talking about feeling like WH steps are "too little too late." I can relate. I can't leave but I can relate.

I am taking the boys camping. We'll leave Sunday and be gone for a week. We won't be here for WH's birthday. That's okay. I would feel like I needed to do something nice for him. Set a good example for him while he tries to learn how to be a decent human being after 40 years of being drunk. I don't feel like setting a good example. I don't feel like putting up with what looks to me like pathetic attempts by him to do the bare minimum to keep me around. Truth be told, I feel trapped. But I dealt with being trapped in a marriage to an alcoholic for 18 years better than I've dealt with WH since his A. I never took his emotional abuse personally. I knew it was his problem. At least he was loyal and took care of his family... So I thought. I lived my own life without him even though we lived together. I guess I was pretty good at 180 back then but only when WH was being an ass. I've always felt that maybe my 180 was part of what made WH have an A. Like, if I acted more like I cared, hadn't stopped letting him get to me, maybe he wouldn't have looked for someone else. But... I liked myself more then. Maybe I should try it again.

[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 11:53 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)]

thebighurt posted 6/3/2013 03:17 AM

I'm so sorry, Ladyogilvy. And I understand completely. I've learned that this is mental/emotional abuse.

I trigger every day and as long as I say nothing about it, it's fine.

Xpos got very upset and things between us got even uglier if I dared to say anything that could conceivably be interpreted as criticism of him, even if others were lovingly harassing him and I joined in. He laughed at others' picking, but got very angry with me. And forget it if I dared to ever show any anger! I learned to keep quiet and squelch my feelings in order to not make waves.

It made me feel awful. It felt like a heavy weight crushing my chest. Miraculously gone the minute he was!! I could breathe again without the pain in my chest.

(((hugs))) This totally sucks!

wifeno2 posted 6/3/2013 04:22 AM

Things are all good here too as long as I have no triggers, don't mention the A and act like a happy, devoted wife. He has no empathy and still has horrible boundaries with women. The 180 would have driven him straight to an A, he would have used it to prove that I don't love him enough...

Last week my DS1 brought me flowers for mother's day. WH said "Those are nice, but are they going to make you trigger?" He said it not nicely, not caringly, but sarcastic and snide. And I didn't care.

I wish I could tell you what happened, I know when. I know the exact moment when I saw who he was on the inside. He has shown me over and over the last two years. I don't know what was different that day, but it was like a little bubble popped. And just like that I no longer cared. He no longer upsets me. And I know I will D as soon as possible and be fine.

I hope you get to this point too. Being married to someone that doesn't fully meet your needs is one thing. Being married to someone that makes you miserable is another.

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